<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>The Fire That Fuels My Desire by Evakkk</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26570452">The Fire That Fuels My Desire</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evakkk/pseuds/Evakkk'>Evakkk</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>SKAM (Norway)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Firefighters, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Nooreva/Yousana, Beautiful moments in between, Day 4: Accident, F/F, F/M, Firefighter Even, Firefighters Jonas Eva Yousef, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Med School Student Isak, Memory Loss, SKAM Fic Week, Smut, Sorry for the pain... it will be worth it, True Love, You know me... I can't hurt them too much, work accident</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 10:49:32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>42,657</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26570452</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evakkk/pseuds/Evakkk</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Even and some of the gang are fire fighters. Isak is in med school. They are deeply in love and recently engaged. </p><p>They've been together for years, and are about to take the next big step, when an accident happens. </p><p>Will they ever get back to where they were before? Will anything ever be the same?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Eva Kviig Mohn/Noora Amalie Sætre, Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen, Yousef Acar/Sana Bakkoush</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>407</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>221</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The Best Fires Burn the Brightest</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I know memory loss fics are nothing new... but I've always wanted to write one, and I'm also on a big firefighter kick thanks to my fav show 911.</p><p>I'm also going to add original elements to hopefully make it something interesting and new! </p><p>I won't be able to get the whole fic out for skam week, because I also want to write for some of the other days. But here is the start, and I hope people will come back for more!</p><p>I hope you guys enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u"> <strong>ISAK</strong> </span>
</p><p><span class="u"></span>"Dude, you're here again?" </p><p>Isak looks up from the webpage him and Even are reading, to find Jonas sauntering into the fire house kitchen. </p><p>This is nothing new. Isak is used to the constant interruptions when he visits Even at work. It's hard getting anything done in a fire house full of other firefighters coming and going. </p><p>But what choice do they have? Even has been working so much lately, picking up extra shifts to help save money. </p><p>Isak feels guilty, every time he thinks about it. It was already bad enough, Even being the only bread winner, working to help put Isak through med school. </p><p>Then Even had proposed to Isak a couple months ago. Even though they are determined to have a small intimate wedding, the costs just keep piling up.  </p><p>Of course, Isak had picked up a side job, but when it started to affect his grades, and his insomnia had come back with a vengeance, Even had insisted he cut back on his hours at work. </p><p>Isak doesn't deserve him. Even would argue that, but Isak knows Even is the greatest human being on the planet. Utterly selfless, kind, literally a hero everyday at work, and he loves and takes care of Isak, as if he's the most precious person in the world. </p><p>He'll never know what he did in a past life, to deserve Even in this one... but he's fucking grateful for it. </p><p>"Hello to you too, Jonas." Isak replies, rolling his eyes at Jonas' rude welcome. </p><p>"Seriously though, this is like the fifth shift in a row you've been here. Do you ever go home?" Jonas asks, voice full of sarcasm. </p><p>"For your information, it's pretty damn hard to plan a wedding when your fiancé is constantly working 24 hour shifts, and you are in and out of med school most of the day. The only time we ever get to sit down and actually hang out together, is between the fire alarms going off in this place." Isak rests his chin on Even's shoulder, giving him his best puppy dog eyes. He knows there is nothing they can do about this situation right now. They both have lives they need to live, and jobs to do outside their relationship. But Isak misses spending more time with Even, it's like a constant dull ache in his chest, whenever they're apart. </p><p>"I'm sorry, baby. You know I wish the hours for this job were different. I miss being home with you more." Even leans down and presses a quick kiss to his lips. </p><p>"Ugh, you two are gross." Jonas interrupts their moment, slamming his coffee cup down on the table, as he sits across from them. </p><p>"And you're just jealous." Isak teases his best friend. </p><p>"Damn straight, I am. You two make everyone jealous. I've never seen two people, who have been together as long as you guys have, who still actually want to spend every available minute together." </p><p>"Well that's what happens when those minutes are limited by work, school, and everything in between. I'm just grateful we have our own rooms in this fire hall. They may be no bigger than a closet, but at least they give us some privacy." Even gives Isak a little wink... or at least he tries to. </p><p>Isak giggles, like he always does when Even blink-winks at him. He's just so cute. </p><p>"Oh my god, enough you two." Jonas rolls his eyes at them. </p><p>"Are they being gross again?" Comes a new voice. </p><p>Yousef comes up to the table, offering Isak a small hug, before heading to the fridge. </p><p>"You know it, man. The love birds can't keep their hands off each other for two minutes." </p><p>Isak flips him off. </p><p>"That's what engagements do to people Jonas. It's like the pre-honeymoon, honeymoon phase. Let them be." Yousef offers. </p><p>"Oh come on, you can't honestly be telling me this is because of the engagement, they've always been disgustingly in love. It's hard for us single people to watch." Pronounces Jonas. </p><p>"Then don't look." Isak says drily, cuddling deeper into Even's side. "Or better yet, get yourself a girlfriend."</p><p>"Like I haven't tried." </p><p>"True... you do kind of suck at getting a date. Surprising really... I mean aren't all girls supposed to love firefighters?" </p><p>Jonas throws a donut at him. "Shut it, asshole." </p><p>They all have a good laugh at their antics. </p><p>Isak tries to get Even to refocus on the website, so they can finally nail down their wedding venue, but of course, 3 minutes later, the fire alarm goes off. </p><p>Even sighs, giving Isak an apologetic smile. "Sorry angel, duty calls." </p><p>Isak tilts his head for a kiss. Not like it's the first time they've been interrupted by that bell. </p><p>"You're off in a couple hours?"</p><p>Even nods. </p><p>"Ok, I'm going to head out. I'll meet you at home. Love you, Evy." Isak snags one more kiss. </p><p>"Love you too, baby." </p><p>And he's gone. </p><p>Isak watches him run off towards the gear closet. Once the ambulance has pulled out behind the fire truck, everything is quiet again. </p><p>Feeling a bit defeated, he piles up his computer and books, and heads home to wait for Even's return. </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">EVEN</span> </strong>
</p><p>Even feels a small twinge of guilt in his belly, the whole way to the medical call. </p><p>He knows they were supposed to get more of the planning done this week. He can tell it's starting to stress Isak out, even though he tries not to let it show. </p><p>Maybe he should have waited longer to propose. They'd never planned on getting engaged while Isak was still in school... but Even couldn't help himself. </p><p>They'd already waited 6 years. </p><p>Even just loves his baby so much. There are always reasons to wait. But being a fire fighter, he'd learnt that you don't always get that extra time. Something could happen to him on the job, or even to Isak for that matter, just walking down the street. You're never guaranteed tomorrow. </p><p>So he stopped waiting. He wanted Isak and the world to know, just how much he loves him. That they would get through all the struggles facing them everyday, together, forever. </p><p>He supposes they could have had a longer engagement. Not rushed into planning the wedding. But that just didn't seem right for them either. They wanted to make things official. Boring paperwork and all. </p><p>So here they are. Trying to plan a wedding, between endless 24 hour shifts, and a med school degree. </p><p>"Yo, earth to Even." Even shakes himself out of his thoughts, as Yousef snaps his fingers in front of his face. "We're here big guy, come on." </p><p>They jump out of the truck, and Even grabs the medical bag. </p><p>Just then someone comes running around the side of the house. "Hey! Oh my god, thank god you're here! In the backyard, come quick!" </p><p>They run after the person, joining them in the backyard. </p><p>"Over here! I think he's been bitten by a snake!" </p><p>Even runs over and kneels by the man. Yousef starts cutting open the man's pant leg, revealing what does in fact look like a bite. </p><p>"Is he dead? Can you save him!" The hysterical woman comes running up and grabs Even's arm. </p><p>He stands up, gently guiding her away from the scene. "Mam, please let us do our jobs. He's not dead. There is only one kind of snake found in Norway, and the bite of a European Adder, is rarely life threatening." </p><p>"Oh thank God." She cries. </p><p>"Eva, can you come help this lady, and check the area to see if we can find that snake." Even commands, heading back over to help Yousef. </p><p>"How we doing?" He inquires. </p><p>"Injected with anti-venom, and just bandaging the wound. Should be good for transport, momentarily." Yousef informs him. </p><p>"Great work." Even pats him on the shoulder. Helping him finish wrapping the leg. </p><p>Once they get the man on the stretcher and packed into the ambulance. They make their way back into the fire truck. </p><p>"Ok, only one hour and thirteen minutes to go. Think we will get away without anymore calls?" Jonas whines. </p><p>"Jonas!" The others all shout at him, at once. </p><p>"Are you crazy! You never say that! You know you just jinxed us!" Even reaches over and smacks Jonas' helmet. </p><p>One hour and thirteen minutes until he can head home, and crawl into his nice warm bed with his fiancé. </p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u"> <strong>ISAK</strong> </span>
</p><p>Isak is woken up by a pair of cold feet pressing into his legs, making him jump. </p><p>"Evvvvven!" He whines, while simultaneously reaching for more of him, to get him even closer. </p><p>"Sorry, baby!" Even chuckles, getting cozy against Isak's back. </p><p>"How was the end of the shift?" Isak asks, sleepily. </p><p>"Not too bad, just one easy medical call."</p><p>"That's good." Isak yawns. </p><p>They are quiet for a moment. Almost long enough for Isak to fall back asleep. </p><p>"Baby?" Even's voice is quiet now. </p><p>"Hmm?" </p><p>"I'm sorry we didn't get more planning done this week. I know you have exams and stuff you need to be focusing on. Maybe we should put on a hold on the planning. I can tell it's adding to your stress." </p><p>Now Isak feels fully awake. He rolls over in Even's arms, sliding even closer, so they are nose to nose, limbs entangled. </p><p>"Absolutely not. I will not wait one minute more than I have to, to marry you." Isak tells him, decisively. </p><p>Even sighs, stroking down Isak's naked back. "Baby, I want to be married to you so badly. I get it. But I don't want this putting too much on your plate." </p><p>"It isn't. It's the part of my day I look forward to. Getting to be with you, planning our special day. I don't care if it takes us a bit longer than we planned, but I'm not putting it aside. We've waited almost 7 years. I want this. Don't you?" Isak presses there foreheads together, let's their noses gently brush against each other. </p><p>"You know I do. More than anything." Even whispers against his lips. </p><p>Isak leans into it, pressing his lips more firmly against Even's. </p><p>"Than stop questioning it, baby." He moans into Even's mouth, as he opens his lips for him. </p><p>Isak pushes forward, tasting, taking what he wants. </p><p>His leg moves over Even's hip, and he uses the position to push Even onto his back, climbing into his lap. Pushing his tongue further into Even's mouth, as Even's hands slide down his back and under the waistband of his boxers, squeezing Isak's ample cheeks. </p><p>Isak grinds down, moaning into Even's mouth when he feels their half hard cocks, sliding together through their boxers. </p><p>"How did I get so lucky?" Even sighs, when they pull apart for air. </p><p>Isak gives him a quick peck. "Shut up. We both know I'm the lucky one." </p><p>He quickly moves to trail his kisses down Even's neck, his torso, kissing slowly along the waistband of his boxers, before pulling them down his legs. </p><p>"Fuck you're so hot." He tells Even, mesmerized by the beauty of his long muscular body. </p><p>Without pausing, he bends down and takes Even into his mouth. He loves giving Even head. He's always so responsive. Like now, his hand flying into Isak's hair, pushing slightly, grabbing the strands as he moans shamelessly. </p><p>"Fuck no... I'm definitely the lucky one." Even groans through gritted teeth. </p><p>Isak chuckles slightly at this, and the vibrations make Even's hips buck. He moans even louder as he hits the back of Isak's throat. Isak stays there, deep throating him, until Even's hand tightens in his hair, pulling his head up. </p><p>"Stop, you have to stop, or I'm not going to be able to hold it." Even pants. </p><p>Isak pulls off slowly, allowing himself a last few sucks at the head, testing Even's restraint. </p><p>When he pulls off completely, he crawls back up Even's body, finding him red and sweaty, panting with his eyes squeezed shut. </p><p>Isak can't help it, he leans in and kisses him. </p><p>"You're going to be the death of me, I swear it." Even whines, finally looking up at him. </p><p>Isak gives him his best evil grin. "I'm just testing you. Congratulations... you passed!" He teases. </p><p>"Barely." Even groans. "Very barely. My balls are so tight, I feel like I'm going to pass out." </p><p>Isak gasps in mock horror. "Well let me help them than!" He begins to reach his hand towards Even's crotch, but Even's hand snaps out and grabs his arm. </p><p>"Don't you dare, you little shit."</p><p>Isak grins, and leans down to kiss him some more. They stay like that for a few minutes, cuddling and kissing, giving Even a moment to regain his composure.</p><p>Isak slides his lips to Even's ear. "Baby, I want to ride you." He whispers, letting his lips drag along the sensitive skin of Even's ear.</p><p>"Yeeeees." Even moans.</p><p>Isak doesn't need much prep, he'd done that part while he'd been waiting for Even to come home.</p><p>Even reaches his hand around Isak's back, grazing between his cheeks, and almost passes out when he discovers this for himself.</p><p>"Baby... did you?" He asks, wide eyed.</p><p>"Yup. Didn't have the patience to wait. Want you inside me."</p><p>Even darts up to connect their lips, shoving his fingers in deeper, and rubbing viciously at Isak's prostate, wanting to wipe the wicked grin off his face. It works.</p><p>"Ahhhh." Isak whines, pulling away from Even's lips, catching Even bottom lip between his teeth, as he goes.</p><p>"Fuck, Even!"</p><p>Isak allows himself to ride the pleasure of Even's fingers for a few more minutes, then uses all his strength to reach back and remove Even's hand.</p><p>"Need you. Now."</p><p>He uses the hand that's already behind him, to find Even's raging hard on, and press it to his own entrance. They both release deep guttural groans at the first feeling of penetration. </p><p>"Yeeeees!" Isak cries. "I've been dying for this all day." He falls forward, burying his face in Even's neck, while he pushes back even father onto Even's cock. </p><p>"God angel, how do you feel this amazing <em>every </em>single time." Even whimpers into his ear. </p><p>Isak doesn't waste any time adjusting to the size of Even. His body is made for this. Made for Even. Besides, he likes the tightness. </p><p>Isak pulls back, then buries Even inside himself again, no preamble. </p><p>Even's eyes squeeze shut again, and now Isak pulls back to watch Even underneath him. He doesn't want to miss a minute of his reactions. </p><p>He rides Even hard. He's been turned on for hours, prepping himself, then waiting for Even to get home... and now he makes sure to give it to Even good, for making him wait. </p><p>Isak pulls out to the tip and slams himself back down, over and over, watching Even's eyes squeeze tighter, and listening to his moans get louder, every time. </p><p>He leans back and uses Even's thighs to balance himself. His six-pack abs and rock hard cock on display for Even, whose eyes pop open, feeling Isak get into this position against his legs. </p><p>Isak continues his powerful thrusts, while Even breaks down into chants about how beautiful he is, how lucky he is to have him. </p><p>Isak loves this, he feels immensenly powerful seeing Even loose it for him like this. </p><p>"Baby... angel... I can't hold out much longer." Even wails.</p><p>"Then don't." Isak let's go of Even's legs, bringing his hand forward and pumping his cock in earnest now. Knowing that this visual, added to the thrusting, will blow Even over the edge.</p><p>Sure enough, within seconds, Even's hands clamp down on Isak's thighs, and he's gone. With a wicked moan, his eyes squeeze shut, the veins in his neck pop, and his hips fly upwards, pressing deep inside of Isak.</p><p>Isak watches him, fascinated as always, while he pumps himself in quick sure strokes, following behind Even in seconds. Letting himself feel the relief he's been dying for, for hours. He paints Even's chest white, before all his strength gives out and he lets himself fall into the nook at Even's side. Even's arm immediately tucking Isak even tighter into his side.</p><p>"Woah. Just woah. I have no other words." Even sighs.</p><p>Isak giggles against his ribs. "Ya that about sums it up."</p><p>They lay there for a long while. Knowing they should get cleaned up, but more interested in making out blissfully, in their post orgasm haze.  </p><p>Eventually, their kisses slow, and their eyes get heavy. </p><p>With a few final whispered "I love you's", they fall asleep curled up into each other. </p><p> </p><p>Isak wakes with a start. A loud ringing making him jump. </p><p>"Fuck off... nooooo." Even grumbles. </p><p>"Babe, what is that?" Isak asks, sitting up looking for the source of the noise. </p><p>"The emergency line for work." Even sighs. Pushing himself out of bed, and fumbling through some drawers, trying to find the source of the noise. "Hello." He says sleepily, into the phone. "Oh god, ok I'll be there as fast as I can. Understood. Thank you, Captain." </p><p>He hangs up, and Isak is wide awake now. Sensing the seriousness of that phone call. </p><p>"Baby, what's going on?" Isak feels himself begin to shake.</p><p>"Really bad apartment fire. Middle of the night, almost all civilians still in the building. They need all available hands on deck." Even informs him, while running around the room trying to find his clothes, and everything he needs to rush out the door.  </p><p>"Right now? You have to leave right now?" Isak feels so scared, and he doesn't know why. The shock he guesses. From the abrupt change in the night. </p><p>Even seems to sense his alarm, and comes over to the bed taking his face between his hands. "Yes now, angel. The fire is happening now. I have to go help." He kisses him gently, but firmly on the forehead. "I'll be back as soon as I can. Try to go back to sleep. I love you, so much." </p><p>"I love you, too. So much." Isak tells him, his voice shaky. </p><p>And then he's gone. </p><p> </p><p>It took hours, but at some point the stress must have finally knocked Isak out. When he wakes next, it's to the sound of his own phone buzzing on the bedside table.</p><p>He wakes up immediately, not having been able to settle into a very deep sleep.</p><p>The first thing he does is look to the other side of the bed. </p><p>No Even. </p><p>Feeling his last little bit of hope slip away, he calls out through the apartment, "Even?" </p><p>No response. </p><p>He looks to his phone, still vibrating away on the table. </p><p>Feeling a sense of dread wash over him, the likes of which he's never felt before... he reaches for the phone. </p><p>"Hello." He croaks. </p><p>"Isak!" He can hear the panic in Jonas' voice, and tears start pouring from his eyes. "Isak? Oh God, Isak, you need to get to Aker Hospital, now! There's been an accident." </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The Greatest Heroes, Fall The Hardest</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I really hate doing summaries... sorry... but it's basically just spoiling what's coming.</p><p>You're just going to have to trust me ;)</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry it's taken me a while to update this fic! I wanted to finish the soulmates AU I started around the same time, because that was a shorter fic, and I knew I could whip it out faster! </p><p>Anyway, I'll be focused on this fic now! I have a lot of ideas I want to write for it! So I hope people stay interested!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u"> <strong>EVEN</strong> </span>
</p><p><span class="u"></span>Even has never seen anything like this. </p><p>He's only been a fire fighter for about four years, but still, the horror of this fire, is beyond anything he could have imagined. </p><p>He'd arrived about twenty minutes ago with his team, immediately, they'd all felt the adrenaline and the fear kicking in. </p><p>The apartment building is 15 stories, and the entire thing is engulfed in red hot flames. People are out on their balconies screaming for help. Firefighters are running every which way, in and out of the building. While others are on the trucks and hoses, trying to control the flames, as best they can. </p><p>Even and his team from the 118, had wasted no time getting orders from their Captain, eager to help in whatever way they can. They'd been sent straight into the building, priority number one being to evacuate as many of the residents, as they can. </p><p>"118 confirm you current locations."</p><p>Even hears the voice of his Captain, shouting to his team through their walkie talkies. Him and Eva are in the south stairwell, trying to get as up as high as they can, to get people out from the higher floors. The heat and the noise from the fire is almost intolerable. He can't imagine how terrified the civilians must be, given how suffocated he is feeling, even with all the proper gear, and his years of training. </p><p>He leans into the walkie talkie on his shoulder and responds, "Bech Naesheim and Mohn, south stairwell, attempting tenth floor rescue." </p><p>They continue to make their way up, waiting for further instructions. "Confirmed. You should be able to access the 10th floor from that stairwell. We have multiple civilians on balconies, and reports of a family trapped inside apartment 1031. We want you to try and access that apartment. We have the air bag set up below, use the harnesses to lower the family as far as you can, and drop them to the airbag." </p><p>Even can feel his pulse racing. "Copy that, Captain." </p><p>They've reached the exit door to the tenth floor. Even looks back at Eva, reaching to give her hand a quick squeeze. "You remember our deal?"</p><p>"We won't need it, Even. This is just another night. We do our job, and then we go home." Eva tries to sound confident. </p><p>Even nods, gravely. "Still, anything happens to me, you make sure Isak knows I love him, and he's the last thing that brought me comfort." </p><p>Eva rushes forward, hugging him. "And you do the same for Noora." </p><p>They pull apart and look straight into each other's eyes. </p><p>"Ready for what's on the other side of this door?" </p><p>"Not in the slightest, big guy. Let's do it." </p><p>Even backs up a few steps, and body slams into the door. Immediately, a searing heat explodes in his face. The hallway ceilings are burning, and smoke is thick in the air. </p><p>"Stay low!" He shouts back to Eva. </p><p>They get down and begin to crawl across the hallway. The floor feels scorching hot, even through his gloves. These poor people, the burns they must be experiencing. He takes a deep breath. He cannot allow himself to focus on that right now. Head down, keep moving forward. Focus on the job. </p><p>"Even, the odd numbers are on the left side!" Eva yells to him. "We just passed 1029, should be the next door." </p><p>Even stops in front of the next door, and sure enough, as he fans away some of the smoke, he can see the number 1031. They both stand up, and Even tries the door knob, knowing already that it will be locked. It's 3am, after all. </p><p>"If anybody can hear me, stand back!" He makes a futile attempt, to be heard over the roaring of the fire. </p><p>He looks to Eva, and they take a few steps back, before running towards the door, and slamming their way through it. With an almighty crash, they land on the floor of the apartment, and quickly push themselves to their feet, assessing the room around them. </p><p>All in all, it could be worse. The apartment is filled with smoke, but Even can't see any actual flames, yet. He takes off his glove, and touches the floor, immediately flinching and drawing his hand back. "Floor is like lava. Fire must be just below us in here. We have to find them and get them out of here, now!" </p><p>"Hello! This is the fire department! Hello?" They start yelling to the family, moving very carefully across the floor, as they start opening doors, trying to check the various rooms. </p><p>"Even!" Eva grabs his arm. "Listen! Do you hear that?" </p><p>Frankly, it's almost impossible to hear anything over the sound of the fire alarms, and the roaring fire. </p><p>"Over here!" Even follows Eva towards a door opposite the kitchen. "Stand back!" She yells in warning. </p><p>As soon as they push open the door, Even sighs in relief. Crouching in the bathtub on the opposite side of the room, is a middle aged woman, with two small children crying under her arms. </p><p>They rush towards the small family, Even crouching by the tub. "We are going to get you out, it's ok now. Is there anyone else in the apartment?" </p><p>The woman shakes her head, tears of pure relief streaming down her cheeks, at the sight of them. </p><p>"Good, that's good." Even thinks fast, needing to figure out their best approach to get the family out to the balcony, to safety. "Ok, listen to me. The hallway is on fire, the floor is too hot, and we can't be sure the stairway is safe, all the way down to the main floor. We're going to get you out using the balcony. We can strap you to a harness, and lower you down to an airbag." </p><p>He can tell the kids aren't hearing a word he's saying, they are crying and hidden in their mom's chest. But at least the woman is nodding along. </p><p>"How do we get out? The floor is too hot! And there is so much smoke!" The mom asks, frantic. </p><p>"We will carry you out. Eva will take the kids, and I will take you." Even looks deep into her panicked eyes. "You need to trust me, ok?"</p><p>Slowly the woman nods. Eva steps forward reaching for the kids. Of course, the children begin to panic, fighting her every step of the way, trying desperately to stay with their mom. </p><p>"Kids, please stop!" Their mom pleads with them, tearfully. "Please, we need to go!" </p><p>Eva gets a good grip around one kid, but can't hold them both, because they are fighting her so hard. </p><p>"Even help!" She screams, as one of them slips down from her arms, immediately screeching in pain, when his little bare feet touch the ground. Even quickly grabs him around the waist, hoisting him up off the floor, and forcing the boy to stay put in his arms. </p><p>"Just go!" The mom starts to scream, absolutely hysterical now, seeing her children freaking out to such a severe degree. "Get them to safety, and come back for me!" </p><p>"Miss, I'm not comfortable with that! The structure of this floor is very unsafe right now! With this level of heat, I'm afraid it could collapse. We need to get you all out of here at once." Even is looking around himself, his own panic starting to creep on up him. He needs to find a solution. </p><p>"Eva, go! Take the first kid. Get them in the harness and I'll be right behind you." Even takes his own harness off his waist, handing it to her. "Set up both harnesses as fast as you can. I'll be right behind you!" </p><p>"Even, no!" Eva admonishes. "We don't separate! You know the rules!" </p><p>"Eva go!" Even snaps. Sounding harsher than he'd meant to. "We need to get moving, we are wasting too much time." </p><p>Just then, they hear a deafening crash from the other side of the wall. Even runs to look, and sees that a chunk of the ceiling above them, has fallen into the living room of the apartment they're currently trying to evacuate. </p><p>"Eva! We have to move now!" He screams. </p><p>He runs back into the bathroom, the little boy still crying hysterically in his arms. "Miss get on my back, now!" </p><p>The woman doesn't question him anymore, looking absolutely petrified, she throws herself out of the tub, and clings to the gear on Even's back.</p><p>"Eva move!" Eva looks shocked, but turns and heads for the door. </p><p>They barely have an escape route through the apartment now, thanks to the debris falling from the hole in the ceiling. Flames are creeping down and burning just above their heads. "Eva get down, we are going to have to crawl! The flames coming through the ceiling are too close!"</p><p>They crouch down, and Even has no idea how he is doing this. It must be true, what they say about an adrenaline rush, making you capable of unbelievable feats of strength. He is managing to crawl one handed across the apartment floor, his other arm keeping the little boy tucked against his chest, while the mother is curled over his back, hanging on for dear life, trying not to let any part of herself, touch the burning hot floor.  </p><p>The next thing he hears, is the sound of shattering glass, making the little boy start screaming again. He looks up, and finds Eva smashing through the glass of the patio door.  </p><p>Once she has knocked away most of the jagged edges, she steps through, reaching back to help Even stand up, and passing him the little girl she'd been carrying. </p><p>Even groans in frustration, when he sees how small this balcony is. There is no way for them all to fit out there, to escape the heat and the smoke, while Eva is setting up the harnesses. </p><p>"Hurry Eva! This heat is becoming unbearable! I'm afraid they're burning! I don't think the little girl can breathe!" Even looks worriedly at the small girl in his arms. She has stopped fighting completely, simply laying there, motionless, her eyes drooping and her little chest heaving. "Eva I need to pass you the girl. She can't stay in here any longer!" </p><p>"Even hold on!" Eva shouts back, looking harassed, trying to set up two harnesses at once. </p><p>Even tries to lean as much of his body out onto the small balcony as he can, forcing the kids heads out at least, into the fresher air. </p><p>"Ok there!" Eva finally exclaims. "Quick give me the first kid!" </p><p>With a huge sigh of relief, Even passes the small girl to Eva, who quickly secures her into the harness, and passes her body over the side of the balcony. </p><p>Even leans over to his walkie talkie. "This is unit 118, need someone on the south corner of the building, small child being sent down to the air bag." </p><p>Within seconds, he hears, "Copy that." </p><p>"Even, can you get out here and hook the second kid up?" Eva inquires, from where she is currently focusing on lowering the little girl down safely. </p><p>"I don't think I can fit! There is barely room for you out there!" Even informs her. </p><p>He looks back over his shoulder, and feels his heart drop. More debris is falling behind them, causing sparks to fly and the smoke to get even worse. </p><p>He needs to think fast. They can't have more than a  minute before the flames reach them, where they're standing. </p><p>He throws a hand back, hoping it lands on the woman's head. "Miss, listen to me now! I'm going to back up so you are out on the balcony, then I need you to lower yourself down. It will be a tight squeeze, but you need to make sure your feet are on the balcony floor, before you let go!"</p><p>He can't hear her response, so he just hopes she understands. He turns around, shielding the little boy in his arms, with his body, and backs himself up, so that the woman's body passes through the broken patio door. He breathes a sigh of relief when he feels the weight leave his back. He quickly turns around, seeing the woman squeezed between the brick wall of the building, and Eva. It's a very tight fit.</p><p>"Here!" He waves his hand to get the woman's attention. "I'm going to pass you your son. Hold him tight, and try to stay as much out of Eva's way, as you can!"  </p><p>The woman reaches gratefully for her son, the transfer happening, not a second too soon. </p><p>For the very moment Even feels the boy's weight leave his arms, he feels another weight land brutally on top of his helmet, causing his knees to buckle. </p><p>"Oh my god!" The woman screams, causing Eva to look back in his direction. </p><p>"Even!" She shouts in horror, seeing him bent double on the floor. </p><p>Even lifts one his hands, trying to indicate that he ok. "Keep going, Eva!" </p><p>He tries to stand, but feels his knees buckle again. He touches his head, where it's throbbing, seeing his glove come away sticky and red. Well <em>fuck. </em> </p><p>He needs to move, more debris could fall on him, at any moment. He starts to crawl away from the worst of the noise and heat. He needs to find a safe place to wait until Eva is done lowering the family, so they can make their escape. </p><p>"Even! Where are you going?" Eva sounds panicked, unsure of what's happening. </p><p>He keeps crawling, he can see a corner of the room ahead, that is untouched by debris or flames. He can wait there, get some oxygen from his tank. </p><p>He is so close, just another couple feet and he'll be... </p><p>**CRACK**</p><p>Even feels the awful sensation of the ground quite literally disappearing from underneath him... that feeling in his stomach, like when you finally crest the peak of a roller coaster, and all your insides fly up into your throat... the feeling that he's flying...</p><p>...</p><p>...</p><p>...</p><p> </p><p>Then everything goes black.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>You know the drill! If you felt anything while reading... please comment to make my day and keep my motivation to write sky high!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. I'm Here for the Ride. Please Don't Let Go.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I just want to take a minute before we get into this chapter to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who took the time to comment on the last one! I'm blown away by the amount of attention this fic has been getting, and I'm so frigin thankful to you guys for pumping me up and taking the time to talk to me!! </p><p>I hope you'll continue to enjoy and read and chat with me after! It makes this experience so worth it :)</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Ok... now grab your tissues! This one is going to be tough! </p><p>But you know me... I love these boys and I'm not a huge angst fan... so I promise to make it worth it ;)</p><p>Hang in there, because there will be a lot of emotional and beautiful moments throughout this as well!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u"> <strong>ISAK</strong> </span>
</p><p>Isak slams through the doors of Aker hospital, barely able to see straight, due to his panic. </p><p>After receiving the call from Jonas, he'd run through his apartment, and jumped into his car, without even realizing he wasn't wearing any pants. </p><p>From the day Even had decided to become a firefighter, Isak had known that receiving a call like this, in the middle of the night, was a very real possibility. But still, nothing could prepare him for the devastation and the panic he's feeling, right now. </p><p>He'd gone back into the apartment, grabbed the first pair of pants he'd found on the floor, and decided he had better call a taxi. His heart was beating so fast, and the tears were coming so hard... there was no way he could safely drive himself to the hospital. </p><p>He rushes up to the first information desk he finds, almost yelling at the nurse. "Even Bech Naesheim. Please, tell me which room he's in!" </p><p>"Sir, please try to calm down. I can barely understand you. I think maybe you should sit for a moment." The nurse looks up at him, concern clear on her face. </p><p>"No! I don't have time for that! Please, just tell me which floor he's on! He would have come in within the last few hours. He's a firefighter. Even Bech Naesheim!" Isak can feel himself starting to cry harder, frustration with this nurse creeping through his veins. </p><p>"Oh, the firefighter!" Isak can see recognition flash across her face, and he breathes a sigh of relief. "He must be the one up on 4th. There is a big group of firefighters up there in the waiting room." </p><p>Isak doesn't bother to thank her, he doesn't have the time. He runs towards the elevator, hits the button repeatedly, growling in frustration when the elevator doesn't show up fast enough. </p><p>"Fuck it." He throws open the doors to the stairwell, and starts running up them, 2 steps at a time. When he pushes through the door at the top, he has to stop for a moment, bending over to catch his breath. He's amazed his heart hasn't given out on him, yet tonight. </p><p>"Isak?" Isak throws his head back, seeing Jonas coming towards him. </p><p>Isak has to swallow back the bile that rushes to his throat. Jonas looks awful. He's still in his fire gear, and there is ash covering most of his visible skin. </p><p>It suddenly all feels just too real. Knowing that Even looks like that too... but <em>worse. </em>Because his baby is not only covered in smoke and ash, he's <em>injured.</em> </p><p>"Jonas, please tell me what's going on?" Isak pushes himself up straight, facing Jonas. "Please god, just tell me he's going to be, ok?" </p><p>Jonas doesn't say anything right away. He just steps forward and pulls Isak into a tight hug. "Breathe buddy, you look like hell. You need to try and calm down, ok? The last thing we need, tonight, is for you to have a panic attack on us." </p><p>Isak wants information. No, he fucking <em>needs </em>it, actually. But he knows Jonas is right. He's breathing too fast, he's heaving with tears, and he can feel his thoughts starting to go fuzzy around the edges. If he doesn't get ahold of himself somehow, he's going to have a full blown panic attack. </p><p>He clings to Jonas, tries to follow the rhythm of his breathing. Lets himself feel the soothing rhythm of Jonas' hand moving up and down his back. </p><p>Thank god for his best friend. This is not the first panic attack Jonas has helped him get through. He knows exactly what Isak needs, and Isak could not be more grateful that Jonas is here with him, right now. </p><p>After a few minutes, Isak gains enough control over himself, that he pulls back, and wipes some of the wetness off his cheeks. "Jonas, please tell me what's going on." He pleads. </p><p>Jonas keeps his hands on Isak's shoulders, steadies him. "He's alive." </p><p>Isak feels such a wave of relief, he sways on the spot. </p><p>"But he's hurt, Isak. We don't know the full story. Captain took Eva away to get her statement, before we could get all the details. She was with Even, tonight. I know he fell through the floor of an apartment building, and some firefighters from another house had to get him out, because he was unconscious after that. The ambulance took him straight to the hospital from there, and we haven't seen him since. He's been in with the doctors getting tests and stuff, ever since." </p><p>Isak is trying to process everything Jonas is saying, but it's hard, when all he can think about, is how badly he needs to see Even. </p><p>He needs to see for himself that Even is truly alive, and breathing. </p><p>"Where is he now? I need to see him." Isak is looking over Jonas' shoulder, into the waiting room full of tired looking firefighters. </p><p>"Hey, Isak. Look at me." Jonas waits until Isak is focused on him again. "You can't see him, right now. Come and sit with us. Even is in with the doctors, and they promised they would come and update us, as soon as they can." </p><p>Isak feels his heart rate picking up again. "What? You expect me to just sit here, while Even is in there somewhere, hurt and alone!" </p><p>Jonas shakes him a little. "Isak! You have no choice! What good is it going to do Even, for you to storm in there and disrupt the doctors who are caring for him, huh?" </p><p>"He needs to know I'm here! Hear my voice!" Isak wails. </p><p>"He will, Isak! When he's ready." Jonas pulls him back into another hug, and Isak collapses into it. </p><p>"I can't do this, Jonas. I love him so much. I just need to be with him. I need to know he's ok." Isak cries. </p><p>There is nothing Jonas can say. No promises he can make. So he just holds him, lets Isak cry himself out. </p><p>Eventually, Jonas gets him to move to the waiting room. All the other firefighters from the 118, take a moment to squeeze his shoulder, rub his knee, offer their silent support. </p><p>Isak sits on a bench with Jonas, leans into his side, tries to hide from the world. </p><p>It's going to be a long night. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>After about an hour of sitting there, feeling numb, and watching the hands ticking away on the clock, the elevator door opens. Isak's head flies around, hoping to see a doctor emerging, who can give them an update. </p><p>Instead, it's Eva and the Captain who step out. </p><p>Isak jumps to his feet, running towards Eva. Jonas said she was with Even! Maybe she can give Isak some information. </p><p>The second he is within arms reach, he pulls Eva into a tight hug. "I'm so happy you're ok." </p><p>Eva hugs him back just as tightly, and Isak hears a little sniff against his neck. </p><p>"Oh Eva, shhhh. Don't cry." Isak tries to comfort her, but her crying has reignited his own emotions, and he finds himself starting to tear up, as well. </p><p>"I'm so sorry, Isak. There was nothing I could do." </p><p>"Oh, Eva!" Isak squeezes her even tighter. </p><p>Isak can feel the eyes of everyone in the waiting room on them, and it makes him uncomfortable. He needs to have this moment with Eva, but they need to find somewhere more private. </p><p>He pulls back and takes Eva's hand, guiding her towards a couple chairs next to a coffee machine. He encourages her to sit, while he grabs them each a cup of awful hospital coffee. </p><p>Once they've sat there for a few minutes, collecting themselves, and sipping their coffees, Isak can't hold himself back any longer. </p><p>"Eva, I know you're exhausted, and you've answered a million questions tonight." Isak does feel a bit guilty. Eva looks awful. She's filthy, there are tear streaks down her face, and she's still shaking slightly. "I need to know what happened. I'm dying here. No one can tell me anything, except that Even is hurt bad... but they don't know how bad! Please, I'm begging you to give me any information you have." </p><p>Eva is quiet for a moment, taking a shaky sip of her coffee. "Isak... I don't even know how to explain it. And it all happened so fast, in retrospect." </p><p>Isak reaches across, squeezing her hand, waiting for her to make eye contact. "Please, Eva. Just try. For me. Anything you can tell me? What were you guys doing? What did you see?" </p><p>Eva swallows. "We were on the tenth floor of the apartment building. We were rescuing this family. A mother and her two kids. Even was amazing." Eva pauses, offering Isak a small smile. "He had the mom on his back, and a kid against his chest. He guided us all to the patio, so we could lower the family to safety." </p><p>Isak wishes he could return her smile. Of course, he feels pride, hearing about Even acting the hero. But all his worst nightmares, centre around stories just like this. His emotions just aren't that straight forward. What he feels the most, whenever he hears about Even's job, is a sickening sense of fear and dread. </p><p>"We had just gotten them all safely onto the patio, when I heard this crashing sound." Eva looks down at her hands again. "When I looked back, Even was on the ground. I think part of the ceiling had fallen on him. I panicked, I wanted to run in and check on him, but I couldn't." </p><p>"Why?" Isak demands, sounding much harsher than he'd meant to. Rationally, he knows none of this is Eva's fault. But the thought of Even getting hurt, and Eva being right there... it's messing with Isak's head. </p><p>Eva sniffs again, tears building in her eyes. "I was working the harness, I'd just started lowering the little boy over the patio. I couldn't just let go and let him drop! Plus, Even was still moving, he tried to stand up, but I think the debris must have hit him on the head, because he seemed dizzy. He fell right back down to his hands and knees. He kept telling me to help the family, that he was fine." </p><p>Eva pauses, and Isak knows the worst is about to come. He can feel himself starting to shake, again. He needs to know... but dreads to hear. </p><p>"Go on, Eva." He whispers. </p><p>"He wasn't right, Isak." Eva slumps down, tears dripping from her chin. "I couldn't get to him, but I knew something was wrong. He started crawling off, back into the living room, which was covered in flames and falling debris. He was completely ignoring protocol, and not responding to me, when I was yelling out to him." </p><p>Isak coughs, choking on his own tears. Picturing Even crawling into a burning room, confused and alone. </p><p>"I had almost lost sight of him, I was screaming at the top of my lungs, for him to turn around and come back... when it happened." </p><p>"What!" Isak almost shouts, he just needs to know! Rip the fucking bandaid already. </p><p>"A piece of the ceiling fell right on top of him, Isak." Eva's eyes meet his, and Isak can see the pain she's reliving behind her eyes. "And he was gone." </p><p>Isak stops breathing. He couldn't move a muscle if he tried. </p><p>"Captain just told me that he landed a floor below. A couple of firefighters from the 116 saw him fall, and were able to rescue him, but he was unconscious." </p><p>Everything goes quiet. </p><p>Isak is trying to piece all this information together in his head. He has never felt pain like this. The uncertainty, the thought of what Even must have been going through, how scared he'd been, how confused, how hurt...</p><p>Eva reaches out to him, tries to take his hand, but Isak yanks it away. "Don't!"</p><p>"Isak, please. I'm so sorry." Eva sobs.</p><p>He doesn't know where he finds the strength, but he manages to look Eva in the eye, and declares, "This is <em>not </em>your fault, Eva. You did nothing wrong. You were doing your job, and Even would have wanted that family to be saved." </p><p>Then he pushes himself up off the chair, in a rush. He needs to be alone. He can't breathe, and he needs a moment to think. To let go.</p><p>He's trying to decide which way to go, when suddenly Eva's hand clamps down hard, on his arm. He looks at her in shock. </p><p>"I promised him." Isak is drawn in, by the intensity of her gaze. "He made me promise I would tell you, if anything ever happened to him... that you are his everything. He loves you so much, and you're what will bring him comfort, until his last breath."</p><p>Isak is frozen. He feels the tears streaming down his cheeks, and there is nothing he can do to stop them. </p><p>He doesn't know how long they stay there like that. A second? Ten minutes? A lifetime? </p><p>The moment is only broken, when Jonas appears around the corner. "Isak, come now! The doctors are here." </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Shaking from head to foot, Isak tucks himself under Jonas' arm, and faces the doctors. </p><p>Every firefighter in the room, has stood up now, and the whole group is staring at the doctors in anticipation. </p><p>"My name is Dr. Hansen, and this is my colleague, Dr. Nilsen." The Doctor who is speaking, pauses to look around the group. "Is anyone here a family member of the patient?" </p><p>Isak doesn't know if he can speak. All the emotions of the night, and the nervousness for what's to come, have him curling in on himself. </p><p>Thankfully, Jonas seems to get it. "This is Even's fiancé, Isak. The rest of us are as good as family, though." </p><p>Dr. Hansen nods, but focuses more on Isak now, making him want to shrink even deeper into Jonas' side. </p><p>"We've been monitoring Even's condition for the last couple hours. Physically speaking, he's in pretty good shape, considering the severity of his accident." </p><p>"We're going to need more detail than that." The Captain of the 118, steps forward, demanding answers. </p><p>"Well, the worst of the damage was done to his left arm, and upper back. We suspect he tried to break his fall with his left arm. His wrist has a hairline fracture, which we've splinted, and he has some torn tendons in his shoulder, which we've surgically repaired, but will need some time to heal, and then some physiotherapy. Other than that, he sustained some minor burns to his neck and back, which we've cleaned and bandaged, and probably will leave very little scaring, if cared for properly." </p><p>Dr. Hansen pauses here. Letting the group absorb the news so far. </p><p>Jonas squeezes Isak tighter, leaning over to whisper in his ear. "See, everything is going to be ok. Even can handle a few minor injuries." </p><p>Isak wants to feel reassured, he really does, but something the doctor said is nagging at him. He clears his throat, and forces himself to speak up. "You said <em>physically </em>speaking. Why did you specify physically? There is something else, isn't there?" </p><p>This time it's Dr. Nilsen that steps forward, focusing on Isak. "Isak, I'm a neurologist. I've done a couple of scans of Even's head, over the course of the night, and there seems to be a fair degree of swelling around his brain."</p><p>Isak reaches for Jonas' hand, trying to cling to something tangible to keep him from feeling faint with panic. "What does that mean?" </p><p>"Well, it could mean a lot of things. The brain is never as straight forward as the body. Even has definitely sustained a pretty severe concussion. No doubt there was trauma to his head throughout his accident, tonight. It was probably only the fact that he was wearing a helmet, that kept him alive." Isak swallows against his dry throat. "But we won't know the true extent of what the swelling to his brain is doing, until we wake him up, and assess his condition." </p><p>"Wake him up?" Isak whispers. "He still hasn't woken up?" </p><p>"Well no. We've had him medically induced to stay asleep. To give us a chance to work on his physical injuries, and get his pain under control." Dr. Hansen tells him. </p><p>"But now we want to wake Even up." Informs Dr. Nilsen. "It's important I know what I'm dealing with. But Isak, it's even more important, for you to understand, that Even may not be himself right now. He has experienced a trauma, and he may be confused, or in pain, or both. This is all quite normal for someone with a severe concussion, and certainly, I expect to see at least some side effects, with the level of swelling I'm seeing on his MRI." </p><p>Isak doesn't know what to say. There are a million questions floating around in his head. His heart is beating a mile a minute. He definitely feels like he's going to be sick. But all he manages to do, is to nod weakly. </p><p>"We also have a psychologist in the room, waiting for us. She will be there to help Even, if he needs it, to deal with everything. But she is also there to help you, Isak, as well as the rest of you." Dr. Nilsen finally addresses the rest of team. "Brain injuries are never straight forward, and can be difficult for not only the patient, but those around him. Feel free to talk to Dr. Olsen, if you have any questions, or are simply in need of support." </p><p>Isak barely hears anything Dr. Nilsen is saying. He is stuck on the <em>brain injury</em> part. He is far enough along in his med school studies, to know that brain injury, is just about the most dreaded thing a family member can hear. </p><p>"Isak? Isak are you listening?" Isak's eyes shoot up to Dr. Nilsen. </p><p>"Sorry. Yes, I'm listening." He chokes out. </p><p>"Ok. Than are you ready to go see Even?" </p><p>Is he ready? Honestly, he feels so traumatized by everything this night has already dropped on him... he's not sure he's ready for anything more.</p><p>But in his heart, he knows his Evy needs him. And above all the fear, is the knowledge that he needs Even in his arms again. He needs to feel him breathing, hear him say his name, see his beautiful eyes awake and aware.</p><p>"I'm ready."</p><p> </p><p>Isak is sitting in the chair next to Even's bed. Even's hand clasped tightly in his own, his lips pressed against the skin of Even's wrist. Feeling Even's pulse, beating steadily against his lips.</p><p>It's the best thing Isak has felt all night. He lets out a huge sigh of relief. Already feeling just slightly better, seeing Even alive in front of him. Being able to hold his hand. </p><p>Behind him, Jonas gives his shoulder an encouraging squeeze.</p><p>Dr. Nilsen had wanted Isak to come in alone, to not overwhelm Even with too many people. But Isak been so upset at the prospect of leaving Jonas' side, that she'd taken pity on him, and allowed Jonas to come in with him.</p><p>"Ok, I'm injecting the medication to wake him up. Remember, he will be bit a bit groggy. The most important thing I need from you two, is to stay calm, and try not to panic. Remember that whatever happens right now, it's more overwhelming for Even, than it is for you. He needs your support, and I am here for you no matter what." Dr. Olsen, the psychologist, informs them.  </p><p>Isak doesn't even bother acknowledging her. All his attention is on Even's face. Watching as one of his eyes slowly starts to twitch, the slight movement of Even's pinky finger, where it's being held in Isak's hand. </p><p><em>Oh my god. </em>It's happening. Isak is sweating, his chest feels so tight, it's physically painful. He knows this is it. The moment it's all been building towards. </p><p>The first sight of Even's beautiful blue eyes, almost sends Isak into a dead faint, he's so damn relieved. He feels his face break into the first smile he's felt all night, and tears of joy, slip from his eyes. </p><p>He can't help himself. He quickly leans over Even, and presses his lips to his forehead. The psychologist had warned him to give Even space, but she can go fuck herself. </p><p>"Welcome back, baby." Isak whispers, into Even's hair. Taking one deep breath of his scent, before sitting back in his chair. </p><p>Even's eyes follow him, squinting and slightly dazed looking. </p><p>"Isssak?" Even slurs. Sleep still heavy in his words. </p><p>Isak swears his heart literally explodes in his chest, hearing Even say his name. "Yes baby, it's me. I'm here." He pulls Even's hand up to his mouth, kissing his knuckles. </p><p>Even just keeps staring at him with that dazed expression. </p><p>Slowly his eyes gain more focus, and Even starts looking around the room. "Where am I?" He asks, slightly more clearly now. </p><p>Dr. Olsen steps forward, into Even's line of sight. "Hello, Even. I'm Dr. Olsen. You don't need to be scared, but you're at Aker hospital."</p><p>"What?" Even asks, eyes pinching in the middle. "Why?" </p><p>Isak looks up when he hears a pen start scratching on paper behind him, and sees Dr. Nilsen start taking notes. </p><p>He doesn't know why, but it makes the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, his nerves starting to perk up again. </p><p>"Even, do you remember where you were earlier tonight? Anything that could have happened to land you in the hospital?" Dr. Olsen questions him. </p><p>Isak wants to interrupt. Tell her to leave him alone. Even is just laying there, looking so innocent, his head turned towards Dr. Olsen, seemingly having forgot that Isak and Jonas are there, sitting on his other side. </p><p>Even is quiet for a long while, and Isak is afraid to move. Doesn't want to interrupt his thoughts. </p><p>"Accident?" Even suddenly mumbles. His eyes looking questioningly at the Doctor. As if checking to see if he got the right answer. "Fire. Heat. I was scared." </p><p>Isak can't resist. He squeezes Even's hand. Wanting so badly to comfort him, but trying to follow the Doctor's instructions, to give him space to answer her questions. </p><p>Even head turns toward Isak. Isak tries to give him his bravest smile. Even doesn't smile in return. Just stares at him. </p><p>"That's very good, Even." Even turns back, at the sound of Dr. Olsen's voice. "Yes, you were in an accident at your job. Do you know what your job is?" </p><p>Again, there is a long pause. Even blinking slowly, considering the question. "Fire." He responds after a while. "Emergencies." </p><p>Isak is watching Dr. Olsen's face. Seeing how pleased she looks, in response to Even's answers. </p><p>A hope so strong, it's completely overwhelming, starts blooming inside of Isak.</p><p>"That's right, Even. You are a firefighter. Very good." Dr. Olsen praises him.</p><p>"Firefighter..." Even whispers, back to her.</p><p>"Even, can you tell me what the date is?" Dr. Olsen continues her questioning.</p><p>But she seems to have lost Even's attention now. He is looking around himself again, face scrunched up in thought. "Where are my parents?"</p><p>This is the most lucid, Even has sounded so far. The drugs seeming to have fully awoken him now.</p><p>"Baby, your parents are in Africa, on a safari. Do you remember that? We've been trying to reach them all night. But they don't have cell phone reception out there." Isak tells him.</p><p>"No!" Isak jumps back a little in shock. "My parents would never just leave me here, and go to Africa! What are you talking about?" Even almost shouts.</p><p>Isak isn't sure how to respond to this. Not having expected such a quick turn in Even's temperament. He looks to Dr. Olsen.</p><p>"Hey, hey, Even, it's ok. Calm down. We are doing our best to get ahold of your parents. But in the meantime, you have a great support team here." Dr. Olsen attempts to comfort him.</p><p>Even doesn't respond, but the stress doesn't disappear from his face.</p><p>Dr. Olsen attempts to continue her evaluation. "So Even, can you tell me what day it is?"</p><p>Even sighs, reaching up with his free hand, and rubbing it across his face. "I don't know. It's 2020, right? Why does that even matter." He grumbles.</p><p>Isak breathes another little breath of relief. So far so good. "Good job, baby." He encourages, Even. </p><p>This time when Even's head snaps toward him, Isak feels like someone punches him in the stomach. Even is <em>glaring </em>at him. It makes him shiver. "Stop calling me that! Why are you calling me that?" </p><p>Isak squeezes his hand again, trying to calm him down. Even's stare falls to where their hands are clasped, and suddenly the weight of Even's hand is gone, as he yanks it out of Isak's hold. </p><p>Isak is starting to shake again. Panic settling over him. </p><p>Then he remembers the Doctor's words. That Even might be confused, overwhelmed, and that Isak needs to be calm for him. </p><p>"I'm sorry Even, I didn't mean to upset you. That's just what I call you, all the time. You're my baby, and I'm yours." Isak forces himself to smile, trying not to be discouraged by the angry scowl on Even's face. </p><p>"What are you talking about? I've never once called you that! Isak, why are you even here?" Isak feels a cold sweat, take over his entire being.</p><p>"What do you mean, ba - I mean, Even? Of course, I'm here. I will always be by your side." Isak is fighting his tears so damn hard. He needs to stay calm for Even. He <em>needs </em>to stay calm for Even. </p><p>"Ya man, calm down. We're all here for you because we love you, buddy." This is the first time Jonas has spoken up, clearly sensing the change in Isak, and feeling the need to protect his best friend. </p><p>Even's eyes flash up to his face. "Jonas?" Even seems even more confused now. </p><p>Dr. Olsen decides it's time to step in, and try to regain control of the situation. "Even, Jonas and the rest of your team have been here all night, waiting to make sure you're ok. Isn't that nice?" </p><p>If she'd hoped this would calm Even, she was wrong. </p><p>"My team? Team of what? Why are you confusing me?" Even is getting agitated now, starting to squirm uncomfortably on the bed. "Can someone just get my parents, please!" </p><p>Out of habit, Isak reaches for his hand again, wanting to comfort Even, but Even immediately pulls it away. </p><p>"Stop touching me! I barely know you! Why are you even here?" Even snaps at Isak. </p><p>Isak is so taken aback, he freezes. All the blood rushing out of his head. If his heart could stop beating... it would have. </p><p>"Woah, Even man! Chill out! That's uncalled for!" Jonas rushes forward, kneeling by Isak's side. </p><p>"Jonas, quiet please!" Demands Dr. Olsen. "Even, hey Even, can you look at me?" </p><p>Begrudgingly, Even turns towards her again. </p><p>"Even, why did you say that you barely know, Isak?" </p><p>"I don't know why either of them are here. I've hung out with them and their friends, a couple of times. That's it. I don't get why my parents aren't here with me? Or my best friends? Where is Mik and Yousef?" Even has gone from angry, to completely dejected, practically begging Dr. Olsen with his eyes. "Please I just want my family!" </p><p>Isak can't hold it in, anymore. With a great big ugly heave, he starts crying. He's trying everything he can to hide it in the arms of his hoodie.</p><p>"Even, how old do you think you are?" </p><p>Even starts scratching at his head, getting even more confused when the motion pains him. "I don't know. Why does that matter? Why does my head hurt?" </p><p>"Even, I really need you to try and tell me how old you are." Dr. Olsen, is not giving up. </p><p>"Twenty-seven! Ok?" Even is becoming agitated again. Losing patience. </p><p>"Ok, than how old do you think Isak is? And Jonas?" </p><p>Even sighs, throwing his head back, and then wincing in pain. "I don't know! They're in high school! I don't know them that well!" </p><p>Isak looks up in shock. His stomach dropping, again. "Did he just say he thinks I'm in high school?" Isak doesn't even know who he's asking. He's too shocked. </p><p>"Even. Even can you look at me?" Dr. Olsen is determined to keep his attention. "That doesn't make any sense right? If you're 27, and the year is 2020, but you met Isak when you were in high school, then Isak must be older now, too?" </p><p>Even is looking at her like she has five heads. "Why are you confusing me? Leave me alone!" </p><p>Isak has had enough. He isn't going to let anyone upset Even like this. </p><p>"That's enough! Leave him alone! Can't you see, you're upsetting him even more!" He cries. </p><p>"Isak!" Snaps Dr. Nilsen, finally stepping away from the wall. "I think you need to leave the room." </p><p>"No you need to leave!" Isak shouts. "This is so fucked up! How can this even be happening! This makes no sense! How can he know me... but not know me! What's happening to him!" </p><p>Suddenly, Jonas has his arms wrapped around Isak's middle. "Come on, buddy. I think you need some air. Come on." </p><p>Jonas is bodily trying to remove Isak, now. </p><p>"No! Jonas, I can't leave him like this!" Isak tries to look through his blurry vision, at his baby, laying confused on his hospital bed. "I love you, Even. Even if you don't remember me. It's all going to be, ok!" </p><p>Isak sees Even trying to sit up, but falling back down when he puts any kind of weight on his broken left arm. </p><p>"Enough! Dr. Olsen, I'm sorry but we're done for tonight. He's too agitated, he's going to hurt himself. I'm putting him under again. Step back from Even's bed, please." </p><p>That's the last thing Isak hears, before Jonas closes the door behind them. </p><p>"Isak you have to breathe." Jonas tries to take Isak's face between his hands, but Isak smacks them away. </p><p>"Don't tell me to fucking breathe!" Isak pants, his chest heaving with the force of his pain. "My fucking life as I know it, is over! Don't you get that!" </p><p>Jonas tries to take him by the shoulders this time, but Isak just growls, pushing him away again. "Your life is not over, Isak." Jonas tries to rationalize with him. "Even is in there, he's confused, he's hurting, and he needs you." </p><p>"Fuck!" Isak moans. Feeling all his strength leaving his body. "That's where you're wrong, Jonas. He doesn't need me. Because he barely fucking knows me. The love of my life, doesn't even know me."</p><p>Isak can feel that he's about 3 seconds from collapsing. He needs to be alone. He needs five minutes to be alone, and just curl up inside his pain.  </p><p>His feet start to move. He doesn't even care where they're taking him, as long as it's away from prying eyes. </p><p>When Jonas tries to follow him, he begs him not to. </p><p>Jonas lets him go. </p><p>He runs.</p><p>He runs until he finds a dark lonely corner... and then he collapses. Falls to his hands and knees, howling in pain. Punching the floor until his hand goes numb. </p><p>
  <em>WHY!?!?</em>
</p><p>Why did this have to happen to Even! Why him! </p><p>Why <em>them... </em></p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm SORRRRRRRRRY!!</p><p>I promise you... this hurt me as much as it's hurting you! It took me longer to write this... because it's so hard for me to write angst!</p><p>I hope you guys will stick with me, because I promise it won't all be this painful!! </p><p>Please leave me a comment if you felt anything and will still read this fic LOL</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Progress for the Pain</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Hey guys!</p><p>Once again a MASSIVE thank you to everyone who took the time to read and chat with me about the last chapter! Your support continues to motivate and amaze me!</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm sorry for not getting updates out quicker! I will make a very valiant effort to get at least 1-2 updates out a week! </p><p>I wrote so many fics a couple weeks ago, and pumped out updates so quick, I think I gave myself a bit of writer's burnout... so I'm going to be a bit more chill with writing this fic, while also keeping the updates coming regularly, so my lovely readers don't disappear! </p><p>I hope you guys understand and will keep reading and commenting!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>ISAK</strong>
  </span>
</p><p><span class="u"></span>Isak isn't sure how long he stays there, curled up on the floor. Long enough for his tears to run out. Long enough for his limbs to go numb. </p><p>The only thing that gets him to move, is Jonas and Dr. Olsen coming over, and physically lifting him off the floor, and into a chair. </p><p>It takes a while for Isak to even register that they're trying to speak to him, but when he does, he understands that they want him to go home, to try and get some rest. </p><p>"Absolutely not!" Isak argues. "I'm not leaving this fucking hospital. I won't leave him here like this!" </p><p>Dr. Olsen touches his arm. "Isak, you are of absolutely no use to Even, like this. You're exhausted. Irrational. Hurting. None of which are going to help Even."</p><p>Isak opens his mouth to keep arguing, but Dr. Olsen interrupts him. </p><p>"Please, Isak. Just listen to me. I'm going to give you something to help you sleep. Go home, rest, take a shower, eat something. I promise, it will make it easier to deal with, when your brain has had a chance to rest and process." </p><p>Isak just stares at her. The rational part of his brain knows she's right. His medical training can confirm that an exhausted over-emotional brain, is of no use to anyone.</p><p>But his heart can't bear to leave Even here. To be apart from him, when they're both hurting so much.</p><p>"She's right, Isak. You need to rest. Even is asleep, anyway. He needs a break, and so do you." Jonas tells him, gently.</p><p>"Exactly. Even will be out for a long time. And when he wakes again, I need to evaluate him on my own. Without all the distractions, and emotions. Then when you come back, I'll be able to give you more information on his condition, and you can see him again. It's really the best plan."</p><p>There is no fight left him. So when Jonas takes his arm, and starts guiding him out of the hospital... Isak goes.</p><p>He's so exhausted and numb, he barely remembers getting into the taxi with Jonas.</p><p>He can't bear being in his apartment, seeing all the parts of his and Even's life, that Even doesn't remember.</p><p>Jonas must sense this, or maybe Isak said it out loud... he doesn't even know. All that matters, is that when the taxi stops, it's in front of Jonas' flat.</p><p>Mechanically, Isak follows Jonas into the apartment, and sits himself on the couch.</p><p>"Here buddy, drink this." Isak startles, looking up to see Jonas handing him a cup of tea.</p><p>"Thanks." He manages to croak.</p><p>They don't talk. Isak just sits there, staring at nothing, and sips his tea. He can feel Jonas watching him, but he doesn't have the energy to tell him to fuck off.</p><p>God he's tired. Exhaustion is creeping over every fibre of his mind. His limbs getting heavier and heavier. Then his eyelids start to droop. </p><p>"Damn, that is one good sleeping pill." Is the last thing Isak hears, before Jonas takes the mug out of his hands, and throws a blanket over Isak's sleeping form.</p><p> </p><p>"Well good morning, sleeping beauty."</p><p>Isak slowly blinks his eyes open, taking in the familiar space of Jonas' living room around him. "Time is it?" He croaks, sleep heavy in his voice.</p><p>"About 6pm. You slept for a good ten hours. I'm relieved, too. You definitely needed it, buddy." Jonas informs him. </p><p>"Fuck!" Isak panics, shooting up into a sitting position. "I slept that long! Oh my god, we need to get back to the hospital!" </p><p>"Hey! Calm down, and sit your ass back down." Jonas says, sternly. "You're not going anywhere until you've had a shower, and something to eat." </p><p>"Jonas..." Isak growls. "Don't start with me!" </p><p>"No, you don't start, Isak! You are a mess, and you know damn well you are no good to Even, if you don't take care of yourself first." Jonas gets up and comes to sit next to him on the couch. "I know last night was emotional, and there was no way you could think straight through all that. But now you need to start thinking like the medical professional you are. You know you need to rest, hydrate, and care for yourself, too." </p><p>Isak hates that Jonas is right. Now that he's had a decent sleep, and his brain is back online, he knows he needs some time to think, and to process everything he knows about Even's condition, from a medical point of view, not just an emotional one. Plus, he really does need some food and water... and he definitely needs a shower, he thinks, as he gets a whiff of his armpits. </p><p>"Have you heard anything from Dr. Olsen?" Isak asks. </p><p>"Ya, actually. She called a few hours ago. They woke Even up again before the end of her shift, and she said she had a really good session with him, this time. She's going to meet with you again before you see him." Jonas tries to give Isak an encouraging smile. </p><p>"Ok, well I guess I'll take a shower. What time did she say I can meet her?" </p><p>"She'll be back at the hospital at 8pm. She said you can come to her office on the 5th floor, anytime after that." Jonas informs him. </p><p>Isak nods. Already feeling a bit queasy at the thought of being back in the hospital. It's such a weird contradiction of feelings... wanting nothing more than to be by Even's side... but also dreading being back in that hospital, feeling all those overwhelmingly painful emotions again. </p><p>Taking a deep breath, Isak stands up and forces himself to head for the bathroom. Time to get himself together, and figure out how to be strong for the love of his life. </p><p> </p><p>Isak knocks on the door to Dr. Olsen's office, just after 8pm. </p><p>He tried to take his time, convince himself he was relaxing a bit, and give the Doctor some time to get herself together... but he just couldn't. He's just too eager to know what's going on. To get himself back by Even's side, with as much knowledge as possible. </p><p>"Hello, Isak." Dr. Olsen invites him in, with a kind smile. </p><p>"Sorry for showing up right at the start of your shift." Isak shrugs, a bit guiltily. "I just couldn't help myself." </p><p>Dr. Olsen chuckles. "I understand. I'd be the same way. Please, sit." She indicates the chair across from her desk, and Isak takes a seat. </p><p>"So, you had a good session with Even today?" Isak starts. </p><p>Dr. Olsen nods. "Yes, I was able to speak with him for a while. He was a bit calmer this time. Still very confused, but instead of being aggressive, he seemed more eager for an explanation, as to why he feels this way, and what he's forgotten." </p><p>Isak takes some time to absorb this. "So you think he realizes now, that he's forgotten stuff? He understands he's experiencing trauma induced memory loss?" </p><p>"Well, yes, to a point. He is still very confused though, Isak. And there is still a lot of swelling around his brain, so I don't want you to expect to walk in to find him totally lucid, and eager for improvement." Dr. Olsen cautions. </p><p>"No, no, I understand." Isak nods, trying to control his hopes. "I know it didn't seem like it last night, but I'm actually in med school. I'm trying really hard to control my emotions, and process everything from a medical perspective, now. I know as soon as I see him, I'll probably fail completely... but at least when I'm with his Doctors, I'll try and do better." </p><p>Dr. Olsen smiles at him, a little sadly. "Isak, you are doing just fine. This is a lot to process for anyone. Medical or not, you won't be able to treat this like any other case. This is your fiancé. You're allowed to be emotional." </p><p>Isak nods again, but forces down the emotions that her words are bringing up in him. He wants to stay focused. He needs information. "Tell me more about your session. What type of stuff did you talk about." </p><p>Dr. Olsen opens a folder with her notes from the session. "I think the most important information we gained, is a certain framework for Even's memory loss. It seems he remembers everything, quite well, up until around age 19. He seemed to be back there, thinking he was that 19 year old boy, when we woke him up last night, and he kept asking for his parents. But the strange part is, that he also seems to realize that time has passed between then, and the age he knows he is now. He realizes he's 27. He is aware that he went to firefighter training, and works as a firefighter, he even has some memories of calls he's been out on. But then there are also these major holes in his knowledge about his recent life, past the age of 19."</p><p>Isak lets out a choked laugh. "Holes? Is that what we're calling it. So I'm just a hole in his knowledge, now?" </p><p>Dr. Olsen doesn't let this get to her. "For the purpose of what we're dealing with, yes. I've never seen memory loss exactly like this. But that's completely expected. As you know, that's the thing about the brain... every injury is different, and every injury is unpredictably unique. Even appears to have perfect memory of his life until about the age of 19, but after that, he has some memories, but the most curious thing about all his recent memories, is that he can't remember any of the people in them."</p><p>"I'm sorry, what?" Isak is completely confused by this last bit of information. </p><p>"Even though he seems to remember some parts of his life from recent years, it's like his mind just erased all the people in those memories." </p><p>Isak shakes his head, as if trying to clear some kind of fog in his brain. "I don't understand." </p><p>"Ok, for example. You saw how Even was panicked last night, asking for his parents, and his close friends, Mik and Yousef?" Isak nods. "Well, I brought Yousef into the session today. It seemed to really calm Even, having Yousef there, because Even remembers him as his best friend, who was always around, and basically family to him through the portion of his life he remembers well, his childhood through to age 19. You're with me so far, Isak?"</p><p>Isak is trying his hardest to listen and process this all from a medical perspective, but he'd be lying if he said it didn't feel like he'd been stabbed in the heart, hearing that having Yousef with him, had calmed and comforted Even... while Isak's presence, had only upset him. </p><p>"Ya, ya. I get it." Isak mutters. </p><p>"So Even remembers Yousef, very well. But here is where it gets strange. He remembers all of his memories with Yousef, up to around age 19, very well. But when Yousef mentioned them being firefighters together, Even had no idea what he was talking about!" Dr. Olsen looks fascinated. </p><p>Seeing her almost appearing to be treating Even's memory loss like a fun puzzle, rather than the tragedy it is, upsets Isak. But he doesn't have the energy for a fight right now, and he needs more information from her, so he puts away the anger he's feeling towards her, and continues with his questioning. </p><p>"So even specific memories that he has from emergency situations he was called to, with Yousef by his side, he can remember what happened at the call, but not that Yousef was there with him?" Isak confirms. </p><p>"Exactly! I've never seen anything like this. It's like the facial recognition part of his brain, just blanks out in his recent memories or something. The emotional epicentre of mind, has been affected in a different way, than the part that processes factual information, like time and place." </p><p>"But he doesn't have all his recent memories, right? You said he only remembers some things from recent years?" Isak tries to stay focused on the facts. </p><p>"Yes, that seems to be true. But interestingly, when prompted with specific memories from those years, he can seem to place them, remember them once you tell him about them... but again, he can't remember <em>who </em>was involved in those memories with him." </p><p>Isak must look confused, because Dr. Olsen continues. </p><p>"For example, Yousef asked him if he could remember taking any vacations in the last year, and after a while, Even seemed to be able to place himself in Marrakech, but he couldn't remember that you were there with him." </p><p>All of sudden, Isak finds himself bent double in his chair. A pain in his chest so sharp, he could swear someone had stabbed him. </p><p>"Isak!" Dr. Olsen comes around the desk, and bends down next to him. "Are you alright?" </p><p>Oh sure... she'd just nonchalantly mentioned that Even could remember the trip where he'd proposed to Isak, but oh you know... he just happens to forget that Isak was ever apart of it... but ya, Isak's feeling <em>fucking dandy! </em></p><p>He reaches out an arm and pushes her away lightly. Not wanting to look at her. "I'm fine. I just need a minute to breathe." </p><p>She seems to get the hint, and returns to her desk chair. </p><p>Once Isak has regained a bit of control, forcing himself to breathe through the pain in his chest, he sits back up in the chair. </p><p>He <em>can </em>do this. For his Evy, he needs to get through this conversation. The more he knows, the more he can help him. </p><p>"Is there anything else you can tell me?" He asks, voice barely a whisper. </p><p>Dr. Olsen clears her throat, looking a bit worried now. "Well, there is something you should know. I had asked Yousef, not to reveal anything too big to Even. To try and follow my line of questioning, as to not overwhelm Even with details his brain may not yet be ready to process." </p><p>Isak feels a shiver go down his spine, not liking where this is going. </p><p>"Ummm, Yousef was doing quite a good job. But then he slipped up..." Dr. Olsen looks at her hands, guilt written across her face. </p><p>"Slipped up how?" Isak demands. </p><p>"Yousef was so shocked, when Even remembered he'd been to Marrakech, that he just blurted out, that Even must remember proposing to you than..." </p><p>"What!" Isak gasps. "Oh my god, poor Even. He must have been so shocked. He can barely remember me, he thinks I'm just some high school kid. Then Yousef drops that bomb on him." Isak's head falls into hands. "Fuck, how he did react?" </p><p>Dr. Olsen doesn't answer right away, so Isak looks up at her again, pleading with his eyes. "He... well he was shocked. Like you said, he can only picture the younger you he barely knows. He had a lot of questions, but Yousef knew he'd screwed up, and deflected most of them, telling Even this is a conversation he needs to have with you." </p><p>Isak is breathless for a moment. Damn, he is in for one hell of a next encounter with Even. He'd been hoping to ease Even into their history together. Maybe win over his affections a bit again, and then drop the "love of my life" bomb. </p><p>After a few moments, he finds himself whispering to Dr. Olsen. "I don't know where I'm supposed to start with all this. What am I supposed to say to him? What am I supposed to do in this situation? All I want is to be there for him, love him, care for him... but how do I do that?" </p><p>Dr. Olsen gets up, and takes the extra chair next to Isak's. "May I take your hand?" Isak nods, slowly, and Dr. Olsen leans forward and clasps his hand between hers. </p><p>"There is no right or wrong answer to that question, Isak. There is no step by step guide for how to handle this. You can only follow your heart, and try to be there for him, as much and as long as he will allow it." She squeezes his hand a little tighter. "This isn't going to be easy. I think you know that. But I need you to promise me one thing. Can you do that?" </p><p>Isak's voice is shaking. "What?" </p><p>"I need you to remember to take care of yourself, as well. It's easy to see Even as the only victim, here. To forget to care for, and acknowledge your own emotions, because you will want to focus all your energy, and care, on Even. But you can't, Isak. You cannot forget that you have suffered a great loss, as well. Maybe even a greater loss, because you remember everything that's been taken from you. So please, promise me that you will talk to someone throughout this time, seek help from friends, family, and a psychologist of your own. You are not alone, Isak." </p><p>Isak has no response. He tries to absorb this. Knows that Dr. Olsen has seen right through him. He is exactly the type that would run himself into the ground, trying to care for those around him... himself be damned. </p><p>"I'm not sure I even know how to do that." He mumbles. "He's my everything. He's the one I turn to. He's the one I would die to protect. What if he's not in there anymore?" The tears he's been fighting, start rolling down his cheeks. </p><p>"But he, Isak." Dr. Olsen, passes him a tissue. "Right now, those parts of him might be buried deep, but they <em>are </em>there. I wish I could promise you, that with time, all his memories will come back, and it will be like this never happened... but we both know, that's not always how these things work. I won't patronize you with false promises, Isak. But on the other hand, people <em>do </em>recover. Maybe when the swelling comes down, parts of his missing mind will come back to him, maybe all of it." Dr. Olsen looks him dead in the eye. "In the meantime though, you <em>are </em>strong enough to deal with this, Isak. I can see how much you love him. I can see the strength in your eyes. <em>You've got this.</em> And I will be here for you both, every step of the way." </p><p>Isak sniffs, trying to believe in the strength Dr. Olsen sees in him. "Thank you." </p><p>Dr. Olsen encourages him to stand, and wraps her arms around him. Isak melts into the hug. "You're welcome, dear." </p><p>When they pull back, Isak takes a moment to wipe his eyes, and compose himself. </p><p>After a few deep breaths, he feels ready, calmer than he's felt since the beginning of all this. </p><p>"I need to see my Even, now." </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>There you have it folks! I was tempted to just jump right into Isak being with Even again... but I also wanted to try and explain a little bit of Even's memory loss... and hopefully that wasn't too confusing lol!!</p><p>Don't worry! They will be together again next update!</p><p>Please comment to make my day! Annnnnnd inspire me to write the next chap faster LOL ;)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. The Little Pieces of You I see Through The Shadows</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Isak and Even have a much needed talk !</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry again for the delay guys! I mean I guess I'm technically still keeping to a weekly update schedule... but I wish I could provide faster updates for you!</p><p>It's been a busy and tiring week... I tried so hard to sit down and write the other night, but I was so tired I was having awful brain fog and just decided to stop.</p><p>I'd rather spread out the updates a bit more and actually write quality content... so I hope you guys will stick with me, even if the updates are only once a week sometimes!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u"> <strong>ISAK</strong> </span>
</p><p><span class="u"></span>Isak isn't quite sure how long he's been standing outside the door. </p><p>He knows at some point he's going to have to actually knock, and go inside, but he wants to have a better hold on the emotions swirling around inside of him first. </p><p>That conversation with Dr. Olsen, while super helpful... was also <em>a lot. </em></p><p>He's trying so hard, to use his logical nature, to control his emotional impulses.</p><p>Deep breaths, facts, and focus. He repeats this motto, several times.</p><p>Even needs him to do better, this time. No emotional outbursts, no putting his own needs and wants before Even's. </p><p>He can do this. </p><p>With one last deep breath, Isak raises his hand, and knocks on Even's door. </p><p>"Hello?" He hears from inside. </p><p>And just like that, Isak feels a tightening in his chest. It's just so good to hear Even's voice. </p><p>Isak walks a little further into the room, until he's standing where Even can see him. "Uh, is it ok if I come sit with you for a bit?" Isak questions, unsure. </p><p>Even immediately starts trying to push himself into more of a seated position, but it's awkward with one of his arms in a splint. It takes every bit if Isak's restraint not to rush over and help Even, but he promised himself, he would give Even more space this time. Not initiate any touching, that isn't directly requested by Even himself. The last thing Isak wants to do is upset Even, again. </p><p>After a few moments of struggling, Even finally leans back against the pillows, and gives Isak a gentle smile. Isak's heart clenches even more. </p><p>"Of course you can, Isak. Please sit!" Even's eyes follow Isak across the room, like he's studying him. </p><p>Once Isak is seated in the chair next to Even's bed, he starts to loose his nerve again. Even is still staring at him, and Isak is staring at his knees. </p><p>Dammit, say something! He chastises himself. But it's like his throat has closed up. He's too afraid to even look at Even. Afraid to see that lack of recognition in his eyes, again. It just hurts too much. </p><p>Thankfully, Even breaks the awkward silence. "Ummm, Isak, I want to apologize for last night. I didn't mean to freak out on you, like that. I was scared and confused, well I mean I'm still confused... but last night was just... unexpected, and I feel bad for yelling at everyone." </p><p>Isak looks up at Even, shocked. "Oh my God, Even. You don't have to apologize! I completely understand. I can't even imagine what must have been going through your head, last night." </p><p>Even looks relieved. "Thanks, Isak." </p><p>Isak nods. "So how are you feeling today?" </p><p>Even smiles at him again. "Much better. Or well, somewhat better. Calmer, at least. I'm still really confused. Dr. Olsen tried to explain to me, a bit of what's going on with my memory, but I couldn't really follow it exactly." </p><p>Isak chuckles, softly. "Ya, I'm in med school, and even I couldn't follow her explanation, exactly. That's the thing about the brain, and memory loss, it's never straight forward. If I can help at all, please just let me know. I mean I'm not a neurologist or anything, but I'm happy to answer any questions you might have about your condition, or you know... your life." </p><p>Isak clears his throat, looking away again, as he adds this last part, worried that he's getting too close to bringing up their relationship history. He promised himself he wouldn't force that conversation on Even. If Even isn't ready to address the major elephant in the room, Isak will respect that. </p><p>"Wait, you're in med school!?" Even asks, surprised. </p><p>Once again, Isak takes a deep breath, forcing his emotions down.</p><p>Does it feel like he's being stabbed in the heart, every time Even is surprised by a mundane fact, about their everyday life? ... yup, sure fucking does. </p><p>Is Isak going to let that show on his face? ... No, he's damn well not. </p><p><em>Be strong for Even. </em>He repeats this mantra to himself, as many times as he needs to.</p><p>"Yes, I'm in med school. I have been for a few years now." Isak tells him. </p><p>"Woah! That's amazing, Isak. I'm so happy for you. You do love those sciences!" Even looks so happy for him, Isak forces himself to smile back. "I remember when I first met you, you and Sana were nerding out over biology, and I remember thinking, you were such a cute little nerd, with your grumpy attitude and your snapback." </p><p>Even is laughing to himself now, reliving one of the few memories he must have, of the Isak he remembers. </p><p>It hits Isak in such a strange way. In a sense, he feels like he is just sitting with Even, laughing over a funny memory of their early days. </p><p>But in reality, that's not what this is at all. And it hurts Isak, in a way he can't quite describe. </p><p>Even's laughter slows, and his expression changes, becoming much more subdued, when he realizes Isak isn't laughing along with him. "Sorry, should I not have brought that up? I guess it was just my way of saying, I'm really happy you got to follow your passion, and you're becoming a doctor." </p><p>Once again, Isak forces his face to relax, realizing Even is picking up on his sombre mood. "Ya thanks. It really is amazing. I love it. It's a lot of hard work, though. Super long hours at school, in the library, and in the hospital when I'm on rotation. That's the hardest part, wanting to be home with..." Isak stops talking abruptly. Fuck. This is so much harder than he'd thought it would be. It's impossible to talk about his life, without it inevitably coming back to Even. </p><p>Isak meets Even's eye, again, hoping Even can't read the panic he's feeling. </p><p>Even is staring at him attentively, like he's trying to absorb every detail Isak gives him. "At home with?" He questions, clearly wanting Isak to finish his thought.</p><p>Isak clears his throat again, wondering how best to handle this situation. He decides on changing the subject. "So I heard that you got to talk to Yousef? That must have been nice." </p><p>Even squints at him a little suspiciously, unsatisfied with Isak's abrupt change of topic, but answers him, anyway. "Ya, it was comforting seeing him. Knowing he's still a part of my life. But it was weird, too. He told me he's also a firefighter, and that we even work on the same shift, yet I can't remember him even being a firefighter." </p><p>"Do you remember anything else from your job?" Isak inquires. Fascinated to finally hear Even's own perspective about his memory loss. </p><p>"I remember the training. Like I remember being in the classroom, and running the obstacles. I feel like I could even recite the entire firefighters manual. I can also remember some of the calls I went out on, but there are bigger chunks missing from those more recent years. And I seem to have forgotten most of the memories of being at the firehouse with the team." This makes Even frown, before he suddenly becomes animated again, and turns to Isak excitedly. "Did you know Jonas is a firefighter, too? I can't believe that little skateboarding hipster, actually became a firefighter!" He laughs. </p><p>Isak can't resist, Even's giddiness is rubbing off on him, so he starts to laugh a little, as well. "I actually did know that. That little hipster, is actually my best friend." </p><p>"Oh shit, that's right! The few times I've met you, you've always been around him, and a couple other boys." </p><p>All of Isak's giddiness, deflates like a popped balloon. Even's words replaying over and over in his head... <em>The few times I've met you. </em></p><p>It takes all of Isak's strength, but after a moment to collect himself, he manages to keep the conversation going. "You're actually the reason Jonas became a firefighter."</p><p>Even sits up a little straighter. "Wait, what?" </p><p>"Jonas was so lost after high school. He wanted to do something meaningful, so badly. He kept trying to pursue these humanitarian missions, stuff for like global warming, feminism, etc. But nothing ever really worked out, and he just felt constantly defeated, like nothing he did was making any difference." Isak remembers Jonas' frustration well. "Anyway, you have always been so empathetic, it's one of your best qualities. You felt Jonas' struggle every time he came around, and you wanted so badly to help him. One day, you asked him to come do a ride along kind of thing with your team, and since he knew you and Yousef so well, he agreed. Of course, he loved it. He always thought the only way he could satisfy his need to help people, was through like big humanitarian projects on a global scale... but this adrenaline rush, kind of intimate glance, at how first responders are out there making a difference every single day... he was sold." </p><p>Even looks totally shocked by this story. Isak can see how moved he is. "Woah." Even whispers. </p><p>This is the first time that Isak is able to see something positive, in Even's memory loss. Realizing that reliving some of these moments from his life, might actually be a beautiful and meaningful experience for Even. </p><p>"You changed his life, Even. Just like you've changed the lives of so many other people around you. You're an amazing person, Even. We're all so lucky to have you, and we're all here for you. I need you to know that. We're going to get through this." Isak promises. </p><p>Even looks incredibly touched by Isak's words. A small smile, blooming on his face. But Isak can't help but notice, it looks more like a sad smile, and there are tears building in Even's eyes.</p><p>All that Isak wants to do is throw himself across the divide between them, and hug his little love.</p><p>But he can't, so instead he tries to comfort Even with the only thing he has... his words. </p><p>"Even, I know this must be so hard for you, feeling helpless to the memories that have escaped you, but try to remain optimistic, ok? Maybe as time passes, and your physical condition improves, your memories will, too." </p><p>There is a moment of silence. Even looks away, eyes downcast, as if he needs a moment to digest Isak's words. </p><p>When he looks back at Isak, Isak is taken aback by the intensity of Even's stare. "Is that what you're doing? Being optimistic?" </p><p>Isak sits back in his chair, a shiver running over his entire body. "What do you mean?" </p><p>Even sighs. His shoulders sagging, as if he all his strength is leaving his body. "I know, Isak. About us." </p><p>Isak freezes in his chair. Dear god, this conversation is definitely going to give him whiplash. He isn't ready to address this, yet, he needs more time. "Oh." </p><p>Even's eyes are pleading with him now. "Isak, I'm so sorry. I honestly don't know what to say, but I just needed you to know... that I know, and I'm so sorry I can't remember it. That I can't remember <em>us</em>. Yousef told me just enough for me know, that I'm forgetting something amazing, and I... I... I can't even imagine how much you're hurting." </p><p>Isak truly doesn't know how to respond to that. Of course he's hurting. He's never known pain like this. </p><p>But the last thing he wants, is for his pain to become yet another burden for Even to carry. </p><p>On the other hand, it's not like he can lie, and pretend he's not hurting at all. What good would that do? Even would never believe that, anyway. Isak knows that somewhere inside his heart, Even must know how special their love is... even if his brain can't recognize that, right now. </p><p>"Even, I need you to stop apologizing." Isak breathes. "This is not your fault. I know you, ok? I know the very soul of you. You would never hurt me, if you had a choice."</p><p>Isak feels the tears building behind his eyes. He tried, he really tried to control himself, but there is no way he is going to get through this, without becoming an emotional mess. "Of course, I'm hurting. Our love, our relationship... it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. You're my everything, and nothing can change that. Not an accident, not memory loss, not anything. I know Yousef told you about our engagement. So as far as I'm concerned, we've already promised each other the whole in sickness and in health thing. So I'm here, ok? I'm here as long as you want me to be. It's the only place I want to be. Any hurt that I feel right now, I will deal with it. You need to promise me, you won't feel bad about me, or my feelings... just please focus on your health, and try and feel better, in whatever ways you can." </p><p>Isak takes a deep inhale. Trying to catch his breath again, after pouring out all the thoughts in his heart. </p><p>After a few moments, Isak hears a whisper, and he opens his eyes, focuses his attention on trying to hear what Even has said. "What?" </p><p>Even clears his throat, still speaking in a whisper. "I can't promise that." </p><p>Isak crumbles, his body just gives in on him, and he finds himself leaning over Even's bed, his forehead resting in the palm of Even's hand. "Even, you have to. I don't want you taking on my pain, when you already have so much going on in your head." </p><p>Even's thumb moves gently, stroking along Isak's wet cheek. "I may not remember everything about our life together, I may not even remember much about you, other than the fact that you were a cute little nerd, who owned a piece of my heart from the first moment I saw you... but knowing that I'm causing you pain, that's never not going to affect me. I don't want to do that."</p><p>Isak peeks up at Even, tilting his neck, so only his chin is resting in Even's palm. "You remember having feelings for me when you were young?"</p><p>This question clearly surprises Even, and he chuckles slightly. "Really? In the middle of this super emotional moment we're having, <em>that's </em>the part that stood out to you?" </p><p>Isak sits up a little, moving to hold Even's hand between his own. "Yes, because that means that there is some part of you that at least remembers feeling affection for me... and I can build on that."</p><p>They sit in silence after that, just holding each other's gaze. Maybe feeling a little bit of hope flowing between them.</p><p>"I would give anything to remember us." Even breathes. "Were we happy?"</p><p>A single tear escapes down Isak's cheek. "The happiest."</p><p>"Please, help me remember, Isak. I don't want to lose that whole part of me." For the first time, Isak can see the fear in Even. His guard is down, and the vulnerability is overwhelming.</p><p>Isak wants to lean in closer, press his forehead against Even's, and reassure him with his touch. But knowing this gesture would feel foreign to Even, Isak stops himself.</p><p>"I will do everything I can to bring your memories back from wherever they are buried, Even. I'll never give up on you." Isak presses a kiss against Even's palm. "And if those memories continue to elude you, then we will make new ones. I'm just so happy, to see you being more like yourself, today. You are doing amazing, baby."</p><p>Even is about to respond, when suddenly a loud noise interrupts the intimate little bubble they'd created.</p><p>They both jump, turning towards the source of the noise, to find Dr. Nilsen standing at the open doorway. </p><p>"Oh! Isak, you're back." She observes, taking in the scene before her. Her eyes lingering on where Isak is still clutching Even's hand. </p><p>Feeling uncomfortable being scrutinized by the Doctor, Isak finds himself standing up, unsure of what he should do next. "Umm, did you need Even?" </p><p>Dr. Nilsen steps deeper into the room. "Yes. I'm sorry to interrupt the moment, but I need to take him for some scans, and then I think it's best if he gets some rest. Visiting hours ended ages ago." </p><p>It's clear that Dr. Nilsen is reprimanding Isak, and he's not really sure how to handle it. He doesn't want to leave. This is the best he's felt, since this whole awful accident had completely thrown his life off course. </p><p>He's sure he'd gotten through to Even. That Even had felt something, even if he can't remember why. </p><p>That only made it harder for Isak to leave him, and go back to their apartment alone. "Isn't there anyway I can stay with him? I'm a med student, I won't be any trouble!" </p><p>They both look at Dr. Nilsen, already anticipating her response. "Isak, Even needs to rest. And we need some time to reevaluate him in the morning. You know this. Please, don't make it harder than it needs to be." </p><p>Isak has to bite his tongue. He can tell Dr. Nilsen is one of <em>those </em>doctors. All brains, and no empathy. </p><p>He sighs, leaning over Even's bed again, squeezing his hand. "If it's ok with you, I'd like to come back tomorrow?"</p><p>Even looks at him with clear desperation. "Yes, please. I really don't like being here alone."</p><p>"Then you won't be. I'll figure something out, and make sure one of us is here with you, as much as possible." Isak can't resist giving Dr. Nilsen a dirty side eye, as he says this.</p><p>Even nods, squeezing Isak's hand in return, before inevitably letting it go, and slouching back into his pillows.</p><p>With a heavy heart, Isak forces his feet to move towards the door. When he turns to take one final look at the love of his life, he finds Even's eyes staring back at him. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope this chapter made you feel things! Some good and some bad... but something!</p><p>If so, please leave a comment and make my day!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Aftershocks</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Isak gets a nice surprise, and then more important conversations happen ... annnnnnd that's all I'm giving you, because summaries = spoilers :P</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you again to everyone who has been reading and commenting! It's honestly so fun reading your comments after every chapter and just keeps me so inspired to continue this fic!</p><p>So a BIG THANK YOU!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u"> <strong>ISAK</strong> </span>
</p><p>Eventually, Isak ends up standing on his front porch, just staring at the front door to their flat. </p><p>After he left the hospital, he wasn't sure what to do next. Somehow, it just didn't feel right going back to their home... without Even. </p><p>But in the end, it was almost midnight, he had nowhere else to go, and he knew he would have to face going, at some point.</p><p>He's not really sure how long he's been just been standing here. Probably long enough for some nosy neighbour, to think there's a random person trying to break into their flat.</p><p>Isak just needs a few more minutes to prepare himself, for the onslaught of emotions he's going to have to deal once he steps inside.</p><p>Walking through hallways filled with pictures of him and Even, memories of the amazing life they've built.</p><p>The bedroom he shares with the love of his life, where they've spent endless nights curled up in each other's arms, or making love into the wee hours.</p><p>The kitchen, where Even had prepared them so many home cooked meals, while Isak sat at the kitchen table cramming for an exam.</p><p>All the little things that make up their life together. A life Isak loves... or loved... he's not even sure anymore. Is it still his life, if it's completely changed? If only one person remembers it? It's certainly not going to be the same anymore, he knows that much.</p><p>With one last deep breath, Isak puts his key in the lock, and turns it.</p><p>Hmmm... that's weird. Why is his door unlocked? He supposes he did leave in quite hurry, the last time he was here. </p><p>He pushes the door open, and that's when he hears it, people talking in the distance. "Ummm, hello? Is someone in there?" </p><p>"Isak!" Someone exclaims. Isak is shocked to see Eva pop out of the kitchen, and start running down the hall towards him. </p><p>"Eva? What are you doing here? Who else is here? I heard people talking." Isak inquires, reciprocating her hug, when she throws herself at him. </p><p>"Welcome home, Is." She breathes into his ear, hanging on for a moment longer than usual. When she finally steps back, she gives him a sympathetic smile. "It's just me, Jonas, and Yousef. We didn't want you to come back to an empty house. It's going to be hard enough, as it is." </p><p>"Wow, that's so nice of you guys, to think of that." Isak is truly touched by his friends thoughtfulness. "It's so late though, and you guys have had a long few days!" </p><p>Eva chuckles at him. "Isak, we're firefighters. Our whole life is long shifts, weird hours, and being woken up every time we try to rest." </p><p>Now it's Isak's turn to laugh. "Ok fair enough. Well I really appreciate it." And he does. Somehow, it doesn't feel as devastating being home, when he's surrounded by loved ones. Their home has always been a safe space for their friends to come hang out, escape their own messy living situations, and of course, for get togethers and game nights. </p><p>"Of course, Isak." Eva squeezes his arm. "We're family. All of us. You included... even though you're just a lame doctor, and not a badass firefighter, like the rest of us." </p><p>Isak pokes his tongue out at her. "Well, someone has to save all the people you guys pull out of burning buildings, right? We can't all be adrenaline junkies." </p><p>Before Eva can smack him, Isak dodges around her, and starts making his way to the kitchen. "Jonas! Come save me, your ex is picking me on again!" </p><p>"I am not!" Eva shouts after him. </p><p>Jonas appears in the doorway to the kitchen, and pulls Isak into a bro-hug. "Come on, Eva! Hasn't this poor baby been through enough?" He teases her, ruffling Isak's curls affectionately. </p><p>Eva just rolls her eyes at their antics. "I should have known you two would gang up on me. Why am I even here? I could be home, all snuggled up with Noora, right now." </p><p>"Awww, you're here because you love me!" Isak coos at her, giving her his best puppy dog eyes. </p><p>Isak can't believe how nice this feels. He honestly wasn't sure he even had a jovial joking side, anymore. These last couple days, it felt like all the positive light-hearted emotions, had been swept out of his body, never to return again.  </p><p>"Ok you three, enough shenanigans." Isak looks over his shoulder, deeper inside the kitchen, to where Yousef is stirring a big pot on the stove. </p><p>"Yousef! It's so good to see you." Isak walks over to him, and gives him a big hug. When he pulls back, he keeps hold of Yousef's arms, staring at him intently. "I wanted to say, thank you. It means a lot to me that you were there for Even today. Not that I'm surprised in any way, I know you're his best friend, but I know it meant a lot to him, to have someone there that he..." Isak has to pause here, feeling himself getting choked up, and trying to push it down. "Well, someone he actually remembers. You brought him a lot of comfort, and I'm really grateful for that." </p><p>Yousef gives him a kind smile. "Of course, Isak. There is nowhere else I would be. Even is like a brother to me, and that makes you my brother in law. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you both." Suddenly, guilt takes over Yousef's features. "By the way, I'm really sorry I dropped the fiancé bomb like that! I felt like such an idea. I just blurted it out before I even had a chance to think. That should have been your conversation to have, I'm really sorry." </p><p>Isak gives Yousef's arm a reassuring squeeze. "It's honestly, ok. I actually think it made things a bit easier, when I saw Even, tonight." </p><p>Jonas appears right next to Isak, looking intense. "So you saw him, again? How did it go? God, I really hope it went better this time!"</p><p>Isak sighs, smiling softly. "Is there any beer? Can we just sit for a bit, and I'll fill you guys in." </p><p>"Oh ya, of course, bro! Sorry, we didn't even give you a minute to settle in." Jonas heads to the fridge, grabbing four beers. " Come on, let's go sit in the living room, and chill." </p><p>"You guys go. I'll be right behind you. The chilli is almost done, and then I'll bring it out." Yousef turns back to the pot he was stirring. "I think we could all use a home cooked meal." </p><p>Isak is immensely touched by this gesture. "You made chilli?" </p><p>"Ya, man. It's no worries, honestly. I know things are going to be a bit hectic for a while, and I wanted to make you something big enough, that you could freeze some, and have it for easy access later. Plus it's Even's favourite, so they'll be plenty for when he gets home." Yousef, looks away, sadness showing behind his eyes. "Who knows, maybe the smell and the taste, could like access some kind of sensory memory of his, bring something back." </p><p>It takes everything in Isak not to cry, at this. At how thoughtful his friends are. At the reminder, that he is not the only one who has lost Even... they all have. </p><p>Isak takes three quick strides, and throws his arms around Yousef one more time. He squeezes him good and tight, then lets go just as quickly. </p><p>He is too emotional to speak, but he knows Yousef understands. </p><p>Isak heads into the living room, and plops heavily down onto the couch, releasing a big pent up breath. </p><p>"Here, bro." Jonas hands him a beer. </p><p>"Thank fuck for beer." Isak takes his first swig, gratefully. </p><p>"Amen to that!" Eva says, clinking their bottles together. </p><p>They sit in silence for a while, just drinking in peace, and waiting for Yousef to join them with the food. </p><p>It's heaven. Isak doesn't even realize how starving he is. He can't even remember, when he last ate anything substantial. The chilli is amazing. Of course it is. Yousef is basically the chef for the entire firehouse. </p><p>"Ok, I'm sorry to interrupt the peaceful moment we're having." Jonas cuts in, eventually. "But I'm really dying to know how it went with Even?" </p><p>Isak sighs, pushing his plate aside, and sitting up a little straighter. "Honestly, it went a lot better this time. But at the same time, it's still just such a mess, you know? It's weird, but it's almost like, I could see so much of <em>my Even </em>in him tonight. Like I could almost convince myself, for a moment, that nothing had changed, and he's still in there... and then all of sudden, he would say something, and it would be like someone slapped me, and I was reminded all over again, that <em>nothing </em>is the same." </p><p>Isak has to look away. He can't bear to see the pity in their eyes. It feels good to talk about this, with people who could somewhat understand, but he also hates being pitied. </p><p>"Isak, I don't mean to contradict you in any way... but not <em>everything </em>has changed." Isak looks up, surprised by Yousef's words. "When you said that at some moments, it felt like <em>your </em><em>Even </em>was still there... well that's because he <em>is</em> still there. I know what you mean, and it's obviously different in a lot of ways now, but his emotions, his personality, his kindness, his empathy, all those things are still there. When I was talking to him earlier, I was actually really relieved, because he's still Even, you know? I could see that, even though there is so much missing from the timeline of our lives together, deep down, he's still the same person." </p><p>Isak isn't able to respond right away. He needs a minute to digest all of that. He finds himself playing back his conversation, and interactions, with Even tonight. </p><p>Yousef is right, isn't he? Even without remembering Isak, Even had shown an incredible amount of empathy tonight. He'd been so worried about hurting Isak, feeling guilty for yelling at him, and causing him pain. </p><p>Yes, Even is still in there. Yousef is right. Even without his memories, Even is still Even. </p><p>"What did you guys talk about, though? Did you talk about how you're basically married?" Leave it to Jonas, to ruin the moment. </p><p>Isak can't help but roll his eyes, at his best friend. "It might have come up." </p><p>"And? Was he happy about it? Surprised? Does he still want to be in a relationship?" Jonas blurts out. </p><p>"Argh! Jonas I don't know, ok?" Isak puts his hands over his face, pulling at his hair. "It's still all really fresh. Like ya, he seems ok with it, at least. Shocked for sure. But he mentioned remembering me as a teenager, and that he liked me back then, so I guess that's a start. And he seemed really upset at having forgotten this whole big important part of his life. I think he really wants to remember it. He really cares." </p><p>Isak is curled in on himself now, tears building in his eyes. He's not sure how much more he can talk about this tonight. He still feels shaken, and unsure about everything. Needs time to process it for himself. </p><p>Jonas is about to start another string of questions, when Yousef reaches over to lay a hand on his arm, stopping him. "I think that's enough, for tonight." </p><p>Thank god, for Yousef. </p><p>"Isak, are you tired? Do you want us to leave, so you can go to bed?" Eva questions.  </p><p>"No!" Isak panics. "Please don't go. I can't go to bed, yet. I just... I can't go in there. That's... I mean it's <em>our </em>bedroom. I'm not ready to face it." </p><p>Sensing his rising panic, Eva grabs a blanket, sitting next to him on the couch. "It's ok, Is. We're not going anywhere." </p><p>Eva encourages him to lay down, his head in her lap, while Yousef collects all their dishes, and Jonas slides Isak's favourite movie into the DVD player. </p><p>Isak breathes. He closes his eyes, forcing himself to focus on the feeling of Eva's fingers moving through his hair. Listens to the sound of dishes clinking in the kitchen sink. Hears the opening credits of the movie playing, a few feet away. </p><p>Right now, he doesn't have to think about the empty bedroom. </p><p>Right now, he doesn't have to think about the hallway of pictures, he's going to have to walk through to go the bathroom. </p><p>Right now, he doesn't have to think about Even laying alone in a cold hospital room. </p><p>For just one moment, he allows himself to think of how lucky he is, to have a family like the one surrounding him. </p><p> </p><p>Isak is back at the hospital by 9am. </p><p>Visiting hours start at nine, and he's determined to keep his promise, that Even won't have to be alone. </p><p>He doesn't hear any noise coming from inside Even's room, so he opens the door very quietly, and pops his head inside. "Oh, good morning, Dr. Nilsen." </p><p>Dr. Nilsen is startled at the unexpected sound of his voice. "Oh, Isak, come in, come in. Even is still sleeping. I was just checking his vitals."</p><p>"How is he doing?" Isak walks deeper into the room, heading for the chair next to Even's bed.</p><p>"Better, I think. Physically speaking, we've done all we can. I took some more scans of his head last night, and there is still a fair degree of swelling, but I do see some slow improvement, so that's also a good sign."</p><p>Isak nods, his eyes never leaving Even's face. He always loved watching Even sleep. As creepy as that sounds, there is just something about how sweet and peaceful Even looks. His face a gentle pink from warmth, no tension around his eyes, he almost looks like a baby cherub.</p><p>The thought makes Isak smile.</p><p>"I should leave you to it." Isak looks up at the Doctor, having almost forgotten she's there. "But Isak, you'll need to wake him up soon. Because of his concussion, we've been waking him up every few hours." Dr. Nilsen informs him. </p><p>"Right, of course. I can do that. I'm just going to let him get a bit more rest though, if that's ok?"</p><p>Dr. Nilsen actually gives him a small understanding smile. "I suppose a few extra minutes won't hurt."</p><p>Isak returns her smile, finally feeling some kind of human connection, with the stern woman in front of him.</p><p>As she's about to leave, Dr. Nilsen suddenly turns towards him again. "Oh, there is one more thing I wanted to talk to you about. Technically, there is no reason Even needs to stay in the hospital, any longer. We've run all the tests we need to run. His physical injuries can be cared for at home. And the rest of his care, can be done with visits to the hospital, for further imaging, and for regular visits with Dr. Olsen, to monitor his memory loss situation."</p><p>Isak doesn't know what to say. Logically, he knew Even would probably be released from the hospital soon, but what happens then? Will he want to come home with Isak, a virtual stranger? Will he want to go stay with Yousef? Or his parents, once they get ahold of them?</p><p>"I know it's a weird situation, Isak. Just talk to him once he wakes up. I'm sure you guys can figure out a situation, that works for you both." Dr. Nilsen gives him one last small smile, and then shuts the door behind herself.</p><p>Isak focuses his attention back on Even's sleeping form. Fuck, it seems like all they do now, is have difficult conversations. Will there ever be time, when things are just easy for them?</p><p>God, he misses just coming home to Even, making small talk about their days, enjoying the easy banter between them. He would give everything he has, just to have that normalcy, again. Mundane everyday life. He can't believe how much he took it all for granted. </p><p>Isak's not quite sure how long he sits there, just watching his baby breathe, hoping Even is having a pleasant dream. Right now, the escapism of sleep, must be such a nice relief for him. </p><p>With a heavy heart, Isak leans over and takes Even's hand in his. He'd promised Dr. Nilsen he would wake Even up, after all. </p><p>He squeezes Even's hand a few times, whispering his name. "Even? Hey there, I'm sorry, but you need to wake up." </p><p>Even wakes up slowly, blinking and grumbling a little. Isak finds it very endearing. </p><p>"Argh, what's going on?" Even mumbles at him. </p><p>"Sorry, Dr. Nilsen said I have to wake you up, because of your concussion." Isak frowns, guiltily. </p><p>"Oh right." Even lets his head fall back onto the pillow. "So annoying. They wake me up every time I start to have a good sleep. I swear, I'm gonna lose it." </p><p>Isak can't help but chuckle at Even's disgruntled expression. "I know, it's pretty awful isn't it. Shouldn't have to keep doing this much longer, though. It's already been almost 48 hours." </p><p>"Oh right, I forgot you're like a mini Doctor now." Even tries to wink at him, but in perfect Even style, it ends up just being an adorable blink. Isak can't help but laugh warmly, at that. It's so perfectly <em>Even. </em>What a huge relief to Isak, to see these normal mannerisms. </p><p>"Mini? I'm not mini! I'm huge. I'm a fully grown human man, now!" Isak teases back. </p><p>"Are you? Is this you fully grown? That's adorable. You're so tiny." Even grins, clearly enjoying messing with Isak. </p><p>Of course, Isak is loving this, too. Seeing Even being so jovial and care free. It really feels like old times. </p><p>"I'll have you know, you are like the only person whose taller than me. To the rest of the world, I'm basically a giant." </p><p>"Awww a tiny giant!" Even bursts out laughing, seeing the look on Isak's face. </p><p>"Oh ya... well you're... you're... like a giraffe wannabe!" As soon as the words leave his mouth, Isak can feel a blush colouring his cheeks. What an awful comeback! Get it together, Valtersen! </p><p>It takes a while for them to calm down, from their fits of laughter. Probably longer than it normally would, because this release from all the tension and pain of the last few days, just feels <em>so damn good. </em></p><p>After a while, they end up just staring quietly at each other, gentle smiles on their faces. </p><p>"Thank you for coming back. It's nice not waking up alone." Even whispers into the comfortable silence between them. </p><p>Isak leans forward in his chair, taking Even's hand into his own, again. "I promised I would, didn't I? We don't break promises to each other, Even." </p><p>Even stares at him intently. "Good. I'm glad." </p><p>There is another silence between them, and Isak knows he needs to be brave, and start a conversation about Even's release from the hospital. </p><p>He pushes down all the nervous butterflies in his stomach, and clears his throat, not quite meeting Even's eye. "So, umm, Even, I had a conversation with Dr. Nilsen this morning, and there is something we need to discuss." </p><p>Even's hand slips out of his own, making Isak look up. Even is using his only good arm, to try and push himself into more of a seating position. Seeing his struggle, Isak rushes to help him adjust his pillows, and lean back more comfortably. </p><p>"Sorry, but I feel like this is going to be more of a sitting conversation. You look so serious." Even's eyebrows scrunch together a bit, and Isak can tell he's making him nervous. </p><p>"Well, yes, I guess this is a serious conversation. But I don't want you to be nervous, or anything! It's not a bad thing. Just something we need to figure out." Isak swallows, roughly. "And I want you to know, you have my support, whatever you decide to do, ok?" </p><p>Even nods tentatively, looking even more confused. </p><p>"Well, it's just that, Dr. Nilsen said you can be discharged from the hospital today." Isak meets Even's eye, hoping to garner his reaction, but Even just sits patiently, waiting for Isak to finish. "You'll still have to return to the hospital for more imaging, and to meet with Dr. Olsen, regularly. Bur you're free to go ho- ... Ummm, I mean... you're free to leave." </p><p>Isak looks down at his hands again, feeling the blush building behind his cheeks. </p><p>It takes Even a moment to answer. "Wow, I'm free from this place, huh." </p><p>Isak has to clear the knot in his throat again, before he can find the strength to answer him. "Uh, ya. You are. It's just that... you'll need to decide where you want to go, Even." </p><p>Even's eyes go wide. "Oh right, I - I didn't even think of that." </p><p>Isak stays quiet, trying to give Even the space to reflect on what this means for him. </p><p>After a while, Isak can't hold his tongue anymore, feeling the need to interject. "I want you to feel safe, and comfortable. That's the most important thing, Even. I'm sorry to tell you, but we still haven't been able to reach your parents. If your family home is where you'd feel the most comfortable, though, I'm sure we can arrange for someone to stay there with you. Whomever you feel you want to stay with you, that is. Or if you want to stay with Yousef and Sana, I know they'd love to have you." Isak pauses, taking a deep breath. "Or well, you could come home... if that's something you'd want. I mean, please don't feel any pressure. I know I'm basically a stranger to you now... and you might not feel safe being in our home with me, all the time. I just want you to know that -" </p><p>"Home..." Isak's eyes snap up, when he's interrupted by Even, softly mumbling to himself. </p><p>"What?" Isak questions him.</p><p>Even turns his head on the pillow, meeting Isak's gaze. "It's just so strange. You keep saying <em>home</em>... and I can't even remember what or where that is." Even looks devastated. "How can a person just forget their own home?" </p><p>"Oh, Even." Isak rushes forward, leaning over Even, and kissing the top of his head, hugging him as best he can, with Even still laying on the bed. "It will come back to you, it has to."</p><p>Isak knows better than to make promises to his patients. But this is <em>Even. </em>The love of his life. How is he supposed to keep himself from saying anything, that might give Even some sense of hope. </p><p>Isak sits back in his chair, keeping hold of Even's hand, but giving him some space to think, and make whatever decision is best for him.</p><p>It takes a long time before Even speaks again. So long, that Isak is almost twitching in his chair with anticipation and nervous energy.</p><p>Finally, Even sits up a little straighter, and looks Isak dead in the eye. "I think I want to go to our house. Do we have a house? I mean I'm assuming if we're engaged, we live together somewhere? Our <em>home.</em>" </p><p>"We have a flat." Isak breathes, barely able to believe this is really happening. Even is going to come home.</p><p>Even nods. "Ok, to our flat, than. I think if I'm going to recover, I need to try and create as much normalcy, as possible. Recreate my everyday steps. See all the pictures and mementos of my life, and try to fit those memories back into my head." </p><p>Even seems so sure of himself, but Isak can't help but need some reassurance. </p><p>"Even, are you sure? I don't want you to feel any pressure to do this, because it's what you think I want. The most important thing to me is that you feel safe and comfortable." </p><p>Even grins at him a little. "I know that, Isak. You've said that about five times now. And while I appreciate your concerns, I feel perfectly safe with you. I do have some memories of you! Enough to know you're not some raging murderer, or creepy stalker whose taking advantage of my amnesia, to make me fall in love with you." </p><p>Isak stares at Even wide eyed, laughter bubbling up in his chest, at this unexpected response. "Oh my God, Even! What the fuck?" </p><p>Now Even is laughing, too. "I'm just saying, maybe it's because my heart knows every part of you, even though my brain has forgotten... but I feel safe, and happy when you're around. Your presence feels calming, and <em>right. </em>I think the only way I'm going to get us back, is to come home, and try my fucking hardest to remember us, Isak." </p><p>"Ok." Isak whispers, trying to contain the emotions exploding inside his chest. </p><p>"I just have one concern, though." Even says, intensity taking over his voice.</p><p>"What's that?"</p><p>"I don't want to come home, if it's going to make things any harder on you, Isak." Isak tries to jump in, but Even stops him. "No, listen me. I mean it. I know your first instinct is to want to fix everything, to take me home, and put yourself second, so you can take care of me. But that's not what I want, Isak. You need to think about this seriously. I don't want to be there, if it's just going to be a constant painful reminder for you, of how much everything has changed. How I'm not the same Even, anymore. You need to consider this. What if my memories don't come back? How long are you going to be able to stay hopeful, and not just die a little bit more inside, everyday, seeing me in your home, and remembering everything you're missing?" </p><p>This does give Isak pause. A shiver runs down his spine, hearing those words. </p><p>Because it's true. He's been so focused on getting Even home, having the love of his life back, and starting to try and help him remember their life together. </p><p>But what is that's not how it works out? </p><p>Isak swallows the bile trying to burn its way up into his throat. </p><p>No. He can't think like that. Neither of them can. </p><p>He knows his Even is still in there. It's in everything Even does, his mannerisms, their banter, his kindness, the way he is already putting Isak's needs before his own... the person sitting in front of him, <em>is </em>his Even. Even if his old memories don't come back, he's still Even. This man lying in front of Isak, is still the love of his life. </p><p>Isak leans forward, over Even, until their faces are only inches apart. "Listen to me, Even Bech Naesheim. I'm not going to pretend it isn't going be hard for me sometimes, because it is. Sometimes I'll be sad, and sometimes it's going to kill me, when I realize you've forgotten something important. But do you know what would be a million times worse? What I absolutely could not live with?... Losing you." </p><p>Even gasps softly, and Isak takes his face between his hands. </p><p>"Whether you have all those memories or not, you are still <em>you. </em>The kind, empathetic, perfect man, that I fell in love with. And there will never be a day, no matter how painful, that I will wish you were somewhere else. That I won't be happy to have you back in our home, with me." </p><p>A single tear falls from Even's eye. And Isak wipes it away with his thumb. </p><p>"That's what I want, Even. For as long as that's what you want, as well." Isak tells him, decisively. </p><p>Even lets out one long breath, like the weight of the universe has been taken off his chest. His good hand reaches up, and finds Isak's, where it's resting on Even's cheek. "Ok."  </p><p>  </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Our Life In Memories</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Even comes home!!</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Finally an Even POV chapter! It feels weird to be writing from Even's POV after so many chapters from Isak's POV lol. I hope I do an ok job! </p><p>Thank you again to everyone who has been commenting on this fic! Reading the comments honestly motivates me so much, and I feel like I'm losing creativity and motivation these days, so I really appreciate it!</p><p>Hopefully there is enough angst in this chap for all you angst lovers out there... and enough soft moments and memories, for the rest of you ;)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u"> <strong>EVEN</strong> </span>
</p><p>Even is sitting in the car, watching Oslo pass him by. </p><p>It feels so strange, to see all the scenery and the buildings, which are somehow familiar to him, but also not exactly how he remembers them. </p><p>The city has changed so much in the years missing from his memory, but also feels somehow the same to him. It's a weird contrast to experience, confusing him, and making his insides twist in a funny way. </p><p>They've both been very quiet on the drive home. Even can feel Isak's unease, his nerves spreading across the middle console, and creeping their way into Even. </p><p>He'd been so excited to leave the hospital, this evening. Almost jumping out of bed, when Isak arrived to pick him up. However, that elation was short lived. It's not that Isak doesn't seem happy to have Even coming home, but still, Even can sense there are things going through Isak's mind, and it's driving Even insane, that he doesn't know what Isak is thinking and feeling. </p><p>If he hadn't lost his memories, would he be able to read what's on Isak's mind? Were they that kind of couple? Who knew each other so well, they could read each other like an open book? </p><p>He hopes they were. </p><p>Even considers breaking the tense silence, again. Commenting on something as they pass it, maybe asking a questions about where they live now... but can't quite seem to do it. Every time he looks over at Isak, the tense look on his face, shatters Even's nerve. </p><p>Suddenly, they turn into a neighbourhood that Even definitely recognizes. He sits up a little straighter, a small smile on his face, as they drive through the neighbourhood where he grew up. His parents house is just a few blocks from them, and Sana's family home is just down the road, ahead of them. He smiles a little wider, remembering the first time he'd met Isak, inside that house. </p><p>"Are you taking me for a ride down memory lane? Did you know this is the neighbourhood I grew up in?" Even finally breaks the silence, he can't help turning his smile on Isak, feeling warm and fuzzy inside, being somewhere so full of happy memories. </p><p>Isak turns to him, a little wide eyed. "Oh, ummm, no. I didn't even think of that, actually." </p><p>Even's joy gets tampered down a little, seeing the shock on Isak's face. "Oh, never mind than, sorry, it was just a thought." He's about to turn to look out his window again, when Isak continues.</p><p>"Even, hey... sorry, I didn't mean to act so surprised. Sometimes you just say something, that catches me off guard, because it's such a sharp reminder of all the things you've forgotten. I know that shouldn't catch me off guard, and I'll get used to it, eventually. But ya, it's just a bit weird for me still, like right now, it just felt like a normal night, where we were driving home together, and then all of a sudden I just get this glaring reminder, that it's not a normal night at all, and it shakes me for a second. I'm sorry, I'll try and do better." Isak stops rambling, and Even notices that a blush has crept onto Isak's cheeks.</p><p>Even wants to comfort him, he <em>needs </em>to comfort him. Even slowly reaches his good hand over the console, and gives Isak's arm a gentle squeeze. "It's ok, Isak. This is an adjustment for both of us. I forget that the things I say are going to affect you in different ways. I'll try to be more conscious of that, too." </p><p>"No! I mean, Even, it's important for you to ask questions, and say what's on your mind. Shit. I didn't mean that you should monitor what you say, incase it's hard for me to hear. That's not good for either of us. You need to ask questions, so that you can remember things about your life. And I need you to ask questions, so that I know what areas you can use reminders in. Does that make any sense?" </p><p>Even takes moment to think that through. It does make sense, and he really wants to start learning about the things he's forgotten. But he's tired of accidentally hurting Isak. </p><p>Fuck, this whole thing is just awful. </p><p>Even nods, slowly, looking at his knees. "Ya, it makes sense." </p><p>Isak lets out a big sigh next to him. "Good. Oh, and uhh, we're home, by the way." </p><p>Even's head shoots up again, taking in their surroundings. He hadn't even realized they'd stopped moving. "Wait, we live here? In this neighbourhood?" </p><p>Finally, Even sees Isak smile. "Ya, you wanted to live near your family. And since your family, is really the only family I have left, I was very keen to live near them, as well. So we found a nice little flat a few blocks away, that we could actually afford, on a firefighter's salary, and my measly student loans. We moved in about 5 years ago." </p><p>Even can't stop smiling. God, he wishes he could remember all of this. But looking up at the cute little apartment complex, in front of them, knowing he has a <em>home </em>in there, and that his parents are only a few blocks away... it's all just weirdly comforting to him, in this time of absolute madness. </p><p>"What do you mean, my family is the only family you have left?" Even questions him. </p><p>Isak's eyes grow sad, and he looks away from Even, out the driver's side window. "My dad left my family when I was a teenager, and my mom passed away a few years ago. She wasn't well." </p><p>Even swallows roughly. Fuck! Why did he have to ask that question. He has some vague memories of hearing about Isak's messed up family, when they were teenagers. But he had no idea about his mom having passed away. Even supposes they were already a couple at that time, and he hopes that he did a better job of comforting Isak then, than he's doing right now. </p><p>"Isak, I'm so sorry." He says, lamely. </p><p>Isak clears his throat, turning back to Even, with what is clearly a forced smile on his face. "Don't worry about it, you didn't know. Should we go inside?" </p><p>Without waiting for a response, Isak jumps out of the car. Clearly, eager to end this awkward conversation.</p><p>Even gets out more slowly, struggling with his fucked up arm. Isak has already grabbed his hospital bag from the trunk, and is walking towards the entrance to the building. Even rushes to catch up. </p><p>Isak unlocks the main door, then turns to Even. "Oh, before I forget, this is your set of keys." Even reaches out his hand, and Isak drops the keys into it. </p><p>Even is taken aback for a moment, starring at the keys in his hand. How surreal is this? He's holding the keys to his home, which he's had for 5 years... and yet he can't remember a thing about the place. </p><p>He feels suddenly so stricken with sadness, he has to choke back the tears he feels building behind his eyes. </p><p>"Umm, Even? Are you coming?" Even's head snaps up, to find Isak holding open the front door for him. </p><p>Even's afraid if he tries to speak, his voice will crack. So instead, he just rushes inside, and waits for Isak to lead him to whichever door is theirs. </p><p>They take a couple flights of stairs, and then head down a long hallway. When Isak finally stops, Even looks at the door to their home, trying so hard to force his mind to remember something about this place. Apartment 2121, their <em>home. </em></p><p>Isak unlocks the door, then turns to face Even, who is glaring at the door, trying to remember <em>anything. </em>"So uhhh, did you want to go in first, and have some privacy to look around? Or do you want to go in together? Just tell me what you need here, Even." </p><p>Even sighs, looking away from the door, giving up, when nothing comes back to him. Isak is looking at him questioningly, clearly not knowing how to handle this situation, any better than Even does. </p><p>He takes a moment to give it some thought. "I suppose it would be better if we went in together, right? I mean, there isn't much point of me just wandering around, if I don't remember anything. At least, this way, I can ask you questions." </p><p>Even tries so hard to read Isak's reaction to this. To see if this is the response Isak was hoping for. But his face is unreadable. It's starting to drive Even mad.</p><p>If they are supposed to be this amazing couple, these soulmates who are connected on a cosmic level, like Yousef had told him... why is he having such a hard time reading anything about the boy in front of him?</p><p>Maybe his memory loss has just completely changed them? What if, without all the stepping stones they'd taken to become the couple they were, when he had his accident, they'll just never be the same? </p><p>Is Even fighting for an unachievable goal? Maybe Yousef is wrong, and him and Isak aren't actually soulmates, anymore? Maybe that isn't the ending to their "magical love story". </p><p>Even is pulled from his dark thoughts, as Isak opens the door to their flat, and steps inside. </p><p>Taking one last steadying breath, Even prepares himself for the onslaught of forgotten memories, he's about to face. </p><p>He follows Isak inside, and is touched, when Isak pauses to help him take off his coat and shoes. Isak is clearly a natural born care taker, and Even can see why this kind soul, went into medicine. Between how caring Isak had been for him at the hospital, and the way he's taken to looking after him, since they left the hospital... yes, Even can tell that he'd chosen a partner with a good heart.</p><p>When Isak stands up again, they sort of just stare at each other, neither one, knowing where to go from here.</p><p>The awkward moment lasts so long, that eventually Even just can't handle the tension anymore, and he bursts out laughing.</p><p>It seems to be the right move, because a moment later, Isak is bent double, laughing along with him.</p><p>It feels amazing. Like a giant release, after hours of building tension.</p><p>"Dear God, this is so weird, right? Like I could really use some kind of manual for how to start your life again, after losing ten years of memories. Why didn't Dr. Olsen make one of those for us!?" Even chuckles.</p><p>"Fuck, right! Maybe we should write her a review, complaining that she sent us out into the wild, without any fucking sense of how to survive out here!" Isak wipes his eyes, tears of laughter being brushed away.</p><p>Even smiles at him, slowly feeling more like himself, as they come down from their fits of laughter. "For real, though. I don't know where to start."</p><p>"Maybe we just take a walk through? Get you oriented in the space, again?" Isak shrugs.   </p><p>Seems like as good an idea, as any. So Even starts walking through the porch, and ends up in the kitchen. It's a small, but light room. The cupboards are painted nice sunny yellow, and Even kind of loves that. He takes a sniff, and notices a delicious spicy smell in the air. "Did you cook something?" </p><p>Isak shakes his head. "No, Yousef, Jonas, and Eva, were here when I came home last night. Yousef made us some chilli." </p><p>Even's eyes light up. "Yousef made chilli! I love Yousef's chilli! He makes it all the time when me and the boys get together for a real intense study session at Elias' place." </p><p>Isak nods, then says in a quiet voice. "That was a long time ago, Even. You probably don't remember this, but he also makes it a lot at the firehouse. He's kind of the chef there. Actually, you are kind of like his sous chef. You guys make a lot of big meals, so that your fire crew gets to eat real food, and not just take out." </p><p>Even stares at Isak wide-eyed. "I cook?" </p><p>Isak gives him a sad kind of smile. "A lot actually. This kitchen is basically yours. I pretty much only come in here, to use to the kitchen table to study, while you cook for us. And maybe to make the occasional cheese toastie. But we both decided it would be better for the safety of the apartment building, and for our overall health, if I let you do most of the cooking." </p><p>The serious look on Isak's face, as he says this, makes Even giggle. "You're actually serious? Are you that bad?" </p><p>Isak nods gravely. "You have no idea. I almost gave you food poisoning, on our third date. And you once came home, to find me so engrossed in my biology textbook, that I didn't even noticed my frozen pizza burning in the oven, six feet away." </p><p>Even is full on belly-laughing again, now. What an adorable little dork. "Holy fuck, that's bad. How did you almost give me food poisoning?" </p><p>Isak blushes bright red. "Well, maybe it wasn't exactly food poisoning, like in the sense that it wouldn't have killed you. But anyway, you were coming over to "study", and I realized it was right around supper time, and you'd probably be hungry. But the only thing I knew how to cook was cheese toasties, and I didn't want them to be super basic, so I thought I would try to jazz them up a bit. Eskild told me to add a bunch of spices to it, and me being a naive little baby-gay, actually trusted him, and added all these awful spices. When you got there, I gave it to you for supper... you were too nice to actually say anything, and had already eaten half of it, by the time I'd taken the first bite of mine, and realized what Eskild had done, and smacked the rest of it, out of your hand. I apologized profusely, and of course you forgave me... but you spent the rest of the night, in and out of the bathroom, because that nastiness just wasn't sitting right." </p><p>Even is dumbfounded hearing this story. It is simultaneously the cutest, and most hilarious thing, he's ever heard. "Holy fuck, you were so gullible back then! And I can't believe I ate it! Well actually, thinking back on how badly I was crushing on you, I can totally see why I ate it." </p><p>If possible, Isak's blush gets even deeper. "Oh my god, stop! If anything, I was the one crushing so hard, on you. I was a newly out and proud gay, crushing on the sweetest and hottest pan guy ever. I really should have found a slightly less intimidating, like average hotness guy to start out with. Started a bit slower, and built my way up to your God level." </p><p>Even loves this, the banter, it's so easy to joke around with Isak like this. "No way! I never would have allowed it. I would have been so jealous, I would have kidnapped and vanished any boy who tried to come before me." </p><p>Isak just rolls his eyes and laughs at this. </p><p>"I'm serious. I don't think you understand how happy I was, when I found out you'd come out. I was scheming how to get you to fall in love with me, right then and there." </p><p>Isak smiles at him so gently, it makes Even's heart weak. "I know." </p><p>"What do you mean, you know." Even looks at him, suspiciously. </p><p>"The stories of how and when, you decided you were going to make me fall in love with you... those are my favourite stories of all time. It's the stories you tell me, whenever I'm going through hard times, when my insomnia gets bad, when I get overwhelmed by school, when I cry about my mama, pretty much just whenever I need comfort, you always know exactly what to do and say. It's one of the reasons, you're my perfect match." </p><p>Even has no idea what to say to that. Apparently, he really isn't the equivalent to his old self, anymore. He's so touched by everything that Isak has just said, he feels like his heart is quite literally, melting in his chest. </p><p>Yet, he has no idea what he's supposed to say back. He is no longer the guy who knows exactly what to say and do... and that hurts more than any physical injury he's ever had. </p><p>Even sees the exact moment, Isak realizes that Even isn't going to come up with the right thing to say, and it crushes them both. </p><p>Isak clears his throat, the smile melting off of his face, as awkwardness envelops them, once more. </p><p>"Should we finish the tour?" Isak asks, looking at the floor. </p><p>"Uhh, ya. Let's do that." Even responds, following Isak into the open concept living room, off the kitchen. </p><p>"So this is the living room." Isak stands off to the side, letting Even head deeper into the room to explore. </p><p>Wow, this room has something really special about it. It feels so perfectly <em>lived </em>in. </p><p>There are little bits of Even and Isak, in every little piece of the room. Even feels warm, as he squats next to their bookshelf, and sees a movie collection, which just screams <em>him. </em>All his favourite movie titles are there, and he gets a little thrill, when he sees new movie titles, by his favourite directors, which must have come out in the years he's forgotten. </p><p>It feels exhilarating to have finally found one single tiny positive thing about his memory loss... there are movies and books on this shelf, which he clearly loves, which he now gets to re-experience, for the very first time! </p><p>As he stands, he sees a collection of medical textbooks on the higher shelves, and a sensation of comforting warmth runs through his chest, seeing his books and movies, intermingled with this piece of Isak's life. It's like the perfect representation of how their lives have blended together over the years. </p><p>How badly, Even wants to remember the process of how their lives got to this point. </p><p>As he moves more throughout the room, he sees a couch that's been well worn out, and he wonders if they bought it used, or if they just spend so much time cuddling on it, that they've worn it down? </p><p>He's impressed by the size of their TV, and the number of gaming systems they have. "We must be doing pretty well for ourselves, to have all this technology." He comments, offhandedly. </p><p>"Actually, the TV was a housewarming present from your parents. They know how much you love watching your cheesy romance, and critically acclaimed movies." Isak teases. "Plus the boys come here a lot for game nights. That's why we have all the gaming systems. They just leave them here, and we get together once a month for game night, and junk food." </p><p>"Who are the boys?" Even wonders if Isak's friend group, is still the same as he remembers. </p><p>"You might remember some of them. Jonas, you know, and then there is Mahdi and Magnus, from the old days. And Yousef and Mik, usually come along. And then sometimes some boys from med school, if they have time." </p><p>Even nods, he finds it comforting that they still have friends, from the times he remembers. </p><p>"Did you want to see the rest of the place?" Isak asks, and Even notes he seems a bit nervous again. </p><p>"Lead the way." </p><p>Isak starts to head down a long hallway, and Even follows him, until he notices all the pictures on the wall, and can't help but stop and look at them. </p><p>Suddenly, he isn't sure if he feels like laughing or crying. There is so much evidence here, of a fulfilling, happy life, being lived. How could he possibly, have forgotten all this? What if it truly never comes back to him? </p><p>His heart starts beating a mile a minute, and he feels panic trying to envelop him. It all suddenly feels more real than it has before. The entire hallway is just one memory, after another, of things that were clearly important enough for them to memorialize them on their wall of pictures... but Even can't remember a single one. </p><p>It's not fair. He wants those memories. </p><p>He wants to know why him and Isak are dressed in cheap looking God and flower crown get-ups. He wants to know what event led them to being all dressed in nice tuxedos, kissing in front of the fire station. He needs to know where they are, on this picture of Isak looking gorgeous and sun kissed, laughing back at Even whose taking a candid photo. </p><p>"Even?" Even is shaken from his thoughts, by a gentle hand on his arm. "Oh Even, are you ok? Please don't cry." </p><p>Even is shocked to hear those words, and lifts a hand to his cheek, realizing he is in fact, crying. "I - I - I just can't believe something could make me forget all this. A lifetime worth of important memories... just <em>gone." </em></p><p>Isak is quiet for a while, but eventually he moves his arms, encircling Even's waist and holding him steady. </p><p>"We were really happy, weren't we?" Even whispers, his hand running gently over a picture where his arms are around Isak's waist, Even smiling and laughing, while Isak is crying tears of joy, his left hand extended towards the camera, clearly trying to show off his engagement ring. </p><p>Isak says nothing, but Even feels his lips gently press against his shoulder, in a soft comforting caress. A gentle nod, to tell Even, indeed, they were very happy. </p><p>"I need these memories back, Isak. I can't stand it. I don't think it's ever felt this real to me. Not in the hospital, not driving here, not walking into our home." Even sniffs, trying to control his emotions. "Seeing all these moments, these happy memories, that have just been... fucking stolen from me! It's not fair, Isak!" </p><p>Even feels himself crumple, the weight of it, too much to bear. But it doesn't matter, because Isak is there to catch him. Isak holds him tight to his chest, stroking his back. </p><p>"They're not stolen, Even. All these precious moments, they're in that head of yours, somewhere. We just have to find them. And we damn well <em>will </em>find them." Isak squeezes him even tighter. "I don't care if we have to go through every picture we've ever taken, or sit and talk through every moment we lived together in the last 7 years, or watch every single one of your horrible movies, until something finally clicks in your head. Whatever the fuck it takes... we will get your memories back, baby." </p><p>They stay like that for awhile. Even just needs the comfort. Hell, Isak probably does, too. He's just holding it together better. </p><p>Once Even's tears have slowed, and he finally pulls back from Isak's embrace, to wipe his eyes and nose, Isak nods his head in the direction of the door, at the end of the hall. </p><p>"Come on, Ev. I think it's time for you to get some rest. It's been a long few days for you. I promise, tomorrow we will start your memory education courses." Isak tries to give Even a confident little wink, to cheer him up, but it falls flat. Neither of them can really find the joy in the moment, when their emotions are running so high. </p><p>Even follows Isak into the bedroom, and finds himself just staring at the room. "So this is our bedroom." He whispers. </p><p>Isak clears his throat. "Uhh, ya. I changed the sheets, and laid out your favourite sleeping boxers and hoodie." </p><p>Even focuses on the clothes laying on the foot of the bed. So that's his favourite outfit, huh? Good to know, he supposes. </p><p>"Thanks, that's nice of you." </p><p>"Sure, no problem." Even can see a slight blush colouring Isak's cheeks, again. It's a reaction he's quickly learning to love. "And I'll just be in the living room if you need anything. Just shout, or text me or whatever, and I'll come straight away." </p><p>Even's eyes widen. "You're going to sleep in the living room?" He hadn't even considered the fact, that their flat only one bed, but now that it has occurred to Even, he's not sure what he expects. He has to admit, he's not sure he's ready to share a bed with Isak. While there is definitely a side of him that would <em>love </em>that, the other side of him feels like it's somehow moving too fast. "That doesn't seem fair, this is your home, you should sleep in the bed. I'll sleep in the living room." Even insists. </p><p>Isak sighs. "Even, it's your home, too. Even if you don't remember it. Trust me, you're not robbing me of anything, I'm not going to sleep much, anyway. My insomnia is awful right now, I'd rather have the TV to watch."</p><p>"All the more reason you should sleep in your own bed! Surely, you'll have a better chance of getting some sleep in a bed, than on the couch!" Even argues. </p><p>Isak looks exhausted, dropping his head into his hands. "Please, Even. Can we just not argue about this?" He looks up at Even, pleading. "You are the one whose hurt, and you are the one who needs to be mentally rested, as much as possible. Your brain and body need their best chance at healing. So please, just do this for me, and let it be." </p><p>Even's eyes drop to the floor. What more can he say? Isak's logic is correct, of course. But Even still feels guilty about it. </p><p>It's getting to the point where he feels guilty for just existing. He's never felt like more of a burden. </p><p>"Ok." He mumbles. </p><p>Isak looks relieved, and starts moving around the room, gathering blankets and clothes. </p><p>Before he leaves, he turns back to Even, whose still just standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. "Goodnight, Even. Please try and get some rest." </p><p>Even nods a little, and Isak turns to go. </p><p>"Wait!" Even suddenly exclaims, and Isak turns back quickly to look at him. "I just - Isak, I'm really sorry about all this. Everything you're going through because of me. Not just the bedroom... but like all of it. You shouldn't have to deal with this." </p><p>Isak looks surprised at Even's declaration. After a moment, he lays the blankets he's carrying, down by the door, and walks back over to Even. </p><p>So softly, Even can barely feel it, Isak lays his hand against his flushed cheek. "I'll say it again, you have <em>nothing </em>to be sorry for, Even. This is <em>not your fault. </em>You are a victim of this cruel fucking fate, as much as I am. You have enough to deal with, without drowning in guilt, as well." Isak leans forward, and gently presses a kiss to Even's cheek, and Even's eyes flutter closed. "Please, try and use all your energy to focus on healing and remembering." He whispers, as he pulls away. </p><p>Even's eyes open slowly, watching Isak collect his things, and go. Leaving Even standing there, shaken, his cheek tingling, and his heart feeling more alone than ever.  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>There you have it!</p><p>If you'd like to make my day, please leave a comment below! </p><p>I noticed I lost some of my regular readers/commenters after the last chap, so if there is something in particular that isn't working, or something that you'd like to see in this fic... you can leave that in the comments too, and I'll see what I can do!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. The New Normal</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The boys learn how life is going to be for awhile... adjusting to the new normal!</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>First of all... WOW! You guys blew me away with your kindness last week! I was feeling so guilty for breaking the update schedule, and then I got sooooo many nice comments from you guys, you're all honestly so sweet! And to the new names I'd never heard before, welcome and/or hope to hear from you again, thanks for being here to everybody!<br/>You all make writing this so much more fun with your comments and support!</p><p>ALT ER LOVE</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong> <span class="u">ISAK</span> </strong>
</p><p>It's a very long night for Isak.</p><p>He grabs his phone, checking the time for the tenth time that night. He sighs when he realizes it's 6am. So he's been lying here awake, tossing and turning, for 7 hours so far. <em>Fucking great. </em></p><p>He's honestly just tired of lying here, being stuck inside his own head at this point, but he's also afraid to get up and start moving around, because he doesn't want to wake Even. </p><p>It's his first night in a decent bed, without doctors constantly checking on him, and he deserves a good night's sleep. So Isak continues to lay there. </p><p>He checks his phone about four more times, before he finally just can't handle it anymore, throwing the blankets off his legs, he gets up off the couch. As quietly as he can manage, he heads for the bathroom. If he is going to somehow make it through this day, on zero sleep, he's going to need to start with a cold shower, to wake himself up. </p><p>He steps in and turns the water on, holding back a squeal, when the icy water hits his chest. But it's actually kind of nice. A good distraction. Thinking about how cold he is, is a nice change from the endless loop of awful, depressing thoughts that have been swirling through his head all night. </p><p>He can't stop wondering if Even regrets coming home with him. The night before had been so many levels of awkward and emotional. Like one minute they'd be doing great, and teasing each other, or comforting each other... and then next minute they could barely look at each other. </p><p>It's just so entirely... <em>not them. </em></p><p>Even when they'd first gotten together, there was never any awkwardness. They were just always somehow... beyond that. Like they knew each other inside and out, from the first time they'd spoken to each other. Even often referred to is as their "cosmic connection". </p><p>Isak can't help but laugh a little to himself, at the thought. His big romantic dork of a boyfriend. </p><p>But now that was gone. And Isak doesn't know if they'll ever get it back. </p><p>They can go down memory lane, as much as they want. They can make new memories for the rest of their lives. But what if without that whole part of their life, the whole first part of their relationship, all the big moments, and the building blocks of discovering <em>them ... </em>they would simply never be the same?</p><p>Can he even handle that? Will he really be able to stick around for the rest of his life, in this pseudo-version of their old relationship... knowing what they once had? Having lived through perfection, would he be able to handle this new normal?</p><p>God, he hates himself for even thinking like that. He's so selfish. As always, Even deserves better than him! It's literally day one of them really dealing with Even's memory loss, and Isak is already wondering if he can do this. Fuck him.</p><p>He needs to do better. That's <em>Even </em>in the next room. The love of his life. Who would literally take a bullet for him. Of course, they can manage this. </p><p>They have to... right?</p><p>Isak quickly shuts off the water, before he can dive any deeper into his spiral of misery. He reaches out and grabs a towel off the rack, and as he wraps it around his body, he gets a distinct whiff of Even's cologne, making his stomach clench, as his eyes squeeze shut. He doesn't know why that hurts so bad, but it does. </p><p>He takes a minute just to stand there, burying his face in the towel, and lets himself pretend, for just a minute, that this is a normal morning. That he is covering himself in Even's scent, then he'll walk out to the kitchen, where his baby is making his famous scrambled eggs, they'll eat together, and talk about their upcoming day, then Even will kiss him out the door, with promises of what they'll do, when they see each other again after Isak's 12 hour shift, at the hospital. </p><p>Isak sighs, a small smile on his face. </p><p>If only...</p><p>Eventually, he forces himself out of his reverie, and back into his cold reality. He stops by Even's door on his way up the hall, listening for any noise, and is surprised to hear some rustling and shuffling on the other side. He hopes he isn't the reason Even is awake this early. </p><p>Isak continues to the kitchen, leaving Even to whatever he's doing in there. Isak really wants to do something nice for Even, like make him breakfast, even though he knows it's a risky gesture, given his cooking skills. </p><p>Oh well, he can make french toast. He's seen Even do it a million times. He starts taking out the pan, and the ingredients, and gets to work. </p><p>A broken egg shell in the batter, a dash too much cinnamon, and some burnt butter in the pan later... and Isak is throwing the first two slices of egg soaked break into the pan. </p><p>With a shrug, he takes in his attempt at making edible food, and thinks he did he pretty decent job, in the end. </p><p>"Morning." </p><p>Isak whips around, startled by Even's sudden appearance in the doorway. </p><p>"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. I just didn't want to disrupt your pretty intense concentration on that breakfast." Even says, with a teasing smile.</p><p>"Oh shut up." Isak rolls his eyes, grinning. "You'll be grateful for that concentration, when you taste this life changing french toast."</p><p>Even raises his neck, looking over Isak's shoulder and into the pan. "Life changing because of how much eggshell I watched you try to pick out of the batter?"</p><p>Isak glares at him, indignant. "I don't know what you're talking about. Besides, you shouldn't have been watching! You weren't meant to come out here until it was ready!"</p><p>Even chuckles again, placing a hand over his heart. "Oh damn, my bad! I didn't realize we scheduled out morning arrivals to the kitchen. Could you please show me where the schedule is? So I can do it right tomorrow?"</p><p>Isak just growls at him, and turns back to the pan to flip the toast.</p><p>Even comes to stand next to Isak, leaning back against the counter, watching him with a small smile on his face. "Did you sleep ok, on the couch?" </p><p>Isak keeps his eyes downcast towards the pan, worried Even will be able to read the lie on face. "Oh, umm ya. Pretty good actually. The couch is really comfortable, we made sure it was, because we love to nap there." At least the second part isn't a lie. </p><p>Even doesn't say anything, but Isak can feel his eyes on him. He wonders if Even is trying to detect his lie. "I don't cook well under pressure. Must you stand there watching me?" Isak tries to sound light and teasing.</p><p>"Sorry, I must. I feel like it's really important for me to really experience each part of our day... you know for the sake of getting my memory back." Even tilts his chin to Isak, looking very serious. "I think it's already working, I distinctly remember you being awful in the kitchen now."</p><p>Isak burst out laughing, swatting Even with the spatula. "Shut up! No you don't! You only know that because I told you about it last night!"</p><p>"Oh believe me, even if you hadn't told me, I definitely would have known after watching you try and make one meal of french toast." Even jumps away, as Isak comes at him again with the spatula. "Hey!" </p><p>"Apologize! Or you're not getting any breakfast!" Isak tries to sound stern, but can't really pull it off, because he's also laughing. </p><p>"Oh, in that case, I am most sorry! Please do not withhold your epic eggshell, and endless cinnamon toasts, from me!" Even puts on his best puppy dog eyes. </p><p>"I hate you." Isak deadpans, turning his back on Even, and walking back over to the stove. </p><p>They are quiet for a bit after that, but Isak feels a sense of relief, deep in his bones, at the lightness of this morning. The teasing and the levity, is such a nice contrast to their somber evening the night before. </p><p>After another minute or so, he takes the first two toasts out of the pan and puts them on a plate, before putting a couple more into the pan. While he waits, he turns to start up a chat with Even, but pauses when he finds Even looking at him, with the strangest look on his face. </p><p>As soon as Even notices him looking, he quickly schools his face, trying to look perfectly innocent. </p><p>"Umm, Even. What was that?" </p><p>"What?" Even plays it cool. </p><p>"The way you were just looking at me... that was very... inquisitive and some might say," Isak pauses, looking for the right word, a blush colouring his cheeks. "Animalistic?" That definitely isn't the right word, but Isak couldn't bring himself to say Even looked almost seductive, and definitely a bit turned on. </p><p>"Animalistic?" Even's eyes go wide, as he grins at this unexpected term. </p><p>"Oh don't play dumb! You know what I mean, and I'm not going to say it!" Isak snaps, feeling embarrassment creeping up on him. </p><p>"Okkkk, well there might be something that happened this morning, that I kind of want to tell you about, because I know your reaction is going to be hilarious... but I also don't want to tell you about, because I don't want you to feel embarrassed." Even says, clearly conflicted about which he wants more. </p><p>Isak's feels his cheeks starts to warm, this can't be good. "Well now you have to tell me, I'm already picturing the worst. Just put me out of my misery, Even!" </p><p>Even pushes up off his chair, and walks closer, until he has to look down to meet Isak's upturned eyes. "So, it was nice of you to clean up the bedroom for me. I can tell that you tried to clean up in there, and left out some photo albums, and books, and stuff, in case I wanted to look." </p><p>Ok... that's not what Isak was expecting. He had in fact cleaned up the room, and discretely laid out some photos, music, and books, in case Even wanted a chance to explore some of his old things, without prying eyes on him. "Umm, you're welcome I guess?" </p><p>"I just think that maybe, you might have forgotten to hide some things away, while you were cleaning?" Even is grinning so wide now, Isak can barely see his eyes.</p><p>"What the fuck are you talking about?" Isak has never been so confused by an interaction, in his entire life. </p><p>Even can barely hold back his cheekiness at this point. "Did you maybe forget to clean things out from the under the bed?" </p><p>Isak is utterly lost for all of the next 3 seconds... before it hits him. "NOOOOOOOOOO!" He jumps away from Even, like he's been burned, burying his face his hands. </p><p>Beyond the ringing in his ears, from his blood pressure suddenly shooting through the roof, all he can hear is manic laughter, coming from Even.</p><p>"I mean Isak, I knew you were good looking, that's why I had a crush on you from day one, but damn! You really grew up well!"</p><p>When Isak dares to peak through his fingers, Even is bent double, absolutely dying of mirth. </p><p>"Oh my god... I have to leave. I have to go. I can't be here." Isak tries to make a run for it, but Even snaps out an arm, stopping him from making his escape. "No! Let me go! I need to go die in shame, in peace! It was nice knowing you, Even... but you will never see me again!" Isak's feet are still trying to run, even with Even holding him in place with both arms. </p><p>"Isak, Isak please don't go! I'm sorry... I couldn't resist!" Even's laughter is slowing, and at this point he's basically holding Isak against his chest, where Isak is burying his face, hoping the ground will open up and swallow him whole. </p><p>"I really need you to let me go. I need to run away, and never come back. The shame is too great." Isak groans into Even's hoodie. </p><p>"Isak, trust me, you have nothing to be ashamed about." Even sighs, finally coming down from his high. </p><p>Isak pushes on Even's chest, stepping back out of his arms, so he can glare at him. "Oh no! I should be absolutely ecstatic that you found a box full of sex toys, and embarrassing naked pictures of me!" </p><p>Isak can see Even using every bit of his willpower to hold back another outburst of the giggles. His cheeks literally twitching from the effort. "There was nothing embarrassing about those pictures. If anything, they were artsy and beautiful. Clearly taken in special intimate moments, in order to capture your beauty and softness."</p><p>"Oh fuck off! Don't try to make me feel better, with words like intimate and beauty! This is no different than being walked in on when you're in the shower or something! It's humiliating!" Isak lets his head fall back and moans. </p><p>Even steps closer to him again, and Isak's eyes snap back to his, when he feels Even's hands land gently on his hips. "Isak, I mean it when I say you have nothing to be embarrassed about. I know I don't feel like the same person to you right now. But based on everything I've heard about how great our relationship was, I'm guessing I'm the one who took those pictures... it certainly seems like the kind of artsy romantic thing I would do." Even pauses to wink-blink at him. "And if anything, seeing that, it made me feel really moved by not only how beautiful you were in those moments, but also at the trust you must have had in me, to allow me to take and keep those memories of you. How in love we must of been when we created those moments." Isak is officially blushing for a whole different reason now. "Seeing that, it made me feel the closest to you I've felt since this whole mess started."</p><p>Isak wants to say something equally meaningful back to him. Tries to think of anything he can respond to that, and then wants to die of shame all over again, when what comes out of his mouth is, "I can't believe you saw my sex toys, on your first morning back in our flat."</p><p>Even's hands fall off of Isak's hips as he once again, bends double and bursts into laughter.</p><p>"This is so not funny." Isak whines. "You don't remember this, but we both work very long hours, and sometimes don't get to spend much time together, for days at a time! That's how you convinced me to let you take those pictures, in the first place! Because you wanted something to get you through the lonely nights! And also because I'm an absolute sucker when you give me those big, beautiful, baby blue, puppy dog eyes." Isak growls out this last bit. </p><p>Even stands up, hand over his chest, trying to catch his breath.</p><p>They stand there, Isak glaring, and Even chuckling, until Isak notices something behind Even's back.</p><p>"Oh fuck! My toasts!" He runs around Even to the stove, only to find his fresh toasts burning black smoke in the pan. "No! Dammit!"</p><p>Isak turns around with a death glare at Even. "This is your fault, Mr. Chuckles!"</p><p>And of course, this whole thing only makes Even laugh harder.</p><p>"That's it! I'm out of here! You can make your own breakfast than!" Isak storms past Even, but not before a small grin slips onto his face. Dammit, he just can't help himself, Even's happiness had always been completely infectious to Isak. And as awful as this whole morning has been... it's also been the lightest times they've had together in the last 3 days.</p><p>"You promise?" Even shouts after him, as he heads down the hall to their bedroom.</p><p>"Screw you!" He shouts back, closing the door, a huge smile on his face.</p><p>The first thing Isak does, is go straight for the box under the bed. With a deep blush colouring his face again, Isak snatches the box out, and tryies not to look at any of it's contents. Barely able to live with the embarrassment, he stuffs the whole box into the bottom of one of his drawers, and covers it with his mess of clothes. </p><p>With that awful task complete, Isak starts to get dressed for the day. </p><p>He knows he has to go face Even again, and he's weirdly excited, and also dreading that.</p><p>For one thing, even though Even tells him he shouldn't be embarrassed about the pictures, he totally <em>is. </em>But more than that, he doesn't know how to tell Even that he has to leave for a few hours. He needs to meet with the Dean of his school, and come up with a plan for how he is going to make up the time he's missing in his residency, as he needs to be home to focus on Even, and his recovery right now. </p><p>Rationally, he knows Even is an adult, and will be fine on his own. Yet, it still feels wrong leaving him, right now. </p><p>Dragging his feet, Isak makes his way back to the kitchen, finding Even sitting at the table, eating scrambled eggs. </p><p>Isak leans in the doorway, smiling softly at this very normal morning scene. "I should have known you would make your famous scrambled eggs." </p><p>Even looks a bit surprised. "Famous?" </p><p>Isak nods. "The first time we spent the night together, you made me your dad's "famous" scrambled eggs, with one tablespoon of sour cream." </p><p>Even blushes softly, and it's so beautiful it makes Isak's heart hurt. "Wow, I must have really liked you, to tell you our family's big secret, after only one night together." </p><p>Isak makes a mental note to remember this moment. The softness between them, sharing a special memory from their past. This right here, moments like <em>this</em>, are how they are going to get through the hard times to come. Sharing beautiful memories like it's the first time. Feeling this deep connection starting to build between them, again. </p><p>In this moment, Isak feels like they can actually get through this. And he knows he needs to hold onto that feeling. </p><p>"Even, I have to leave for a few hours." Isak tells him, wistfully. </p><p>Even tries to hide his surprise, but fails. "Oh?" </p><p>"I need to go to school for a bit, just to work some stuff out. But Jonas is going to come over, and hang out with you." </p><p>Even looks down at his lap. "I didn't even think about how this must be affecting your schooling. Shit. Isak I'm sorry. I don't want you to miss anymore classes for me. You should stick to your normal life, I'm already a big enough burden as it is." </p><p>"Hey!" Isak walks over, sitting in the chair next to Even. "Look at me." Even slowly looks up at him, looking regretful. "You are <em>not </em>a burden. You never have been. You've supported me through every rough patch I've ever had. You support me through med school. You support me when I'm having anxiety attacks and insomnia before a big test." Isak reaches out and squeezes Even's shoulder. "Now it's my turn to support you. And that part is not a hardship for me. There is nowhere else I would ever be during a time like this. I will figure something out for my residency, and I don't want you to spend a single second stressing about that." </p><p>Even's face drops, again. "You know I will, anyway. I can't help feeling guilty. I just do." </p><p>Isak sighs. "Of course you do, because you're an amazing person." </p><p>There is a knock on the door, and Isak's eyes snap towards the clock on the wall. "Shit! I didn't realize the time. I'm sorry, Even, I really have to go." </p><p>Even looks up, gives him a forced smile, and a nod. </p><p>Isak hates this. That sad guilty look on Even's face, is going to be sitting in the front of his mind, the whole time he has to he away from him. Fuck. </p><p>With one last sigh, Isak leans forward and presses his lips to Even's forehead. "I'll be back as soon as I can." Then makes a run for the door.</p><p>He throws it open, and before he can stop himself, his got his arms wrapped around Jonas. "It's really good to see you." And it is. Seeing Jonas always makes him feel better. He just wishes he had time to spend with him. </p><p>"You too, buddy." Jonas gives him a comforting squeeze. </p><p>Isak pulls back, and tells Jonas in a soft voice. "He's in the kitchen. He's in pretty good spirits this morning. Just hang out with him, don't overwhelm him with too much information or anything, ok? I'll be back as soon as I can." </p><p>Jonas gives Isak's arm a reassuring squeeze. "Isak, I got this. You seem to forget I spend <em>a lot </em>of time with your boy these days. I know him a bit better than you might think, ya? I'm actually really happy to be spending some time with him. I miss him like crazy." </p><p>This makes Isak panic a bit, wondering if Jonas fully understands that the Even sitting in the kitchen, isn't quite the same Even, he misses like crazy. </p><p>But he doesn't have time to get into a deep discussion about this right now, so he just has to hope for the best. "Ok, thanks again for being here. I really have to run now, I'm already late!" </p><p>"Go on, then! Good luck! It will all work out, Is!" </p><p>And with a smack on the butt from his best friend, Isak is off, making a mad dash for the tram. </p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u"> <strong>EVEN</strong> </span>
</p><p><span class="u"></span>"Fuck man! What the hell? How are you so good at this, when you just learned how to play again? And you don't even like video games!" Jonas grumbles, throwing his controller down on the couch. </p><p>"I don't?" Even is surprised to hear this, given the number of gaming systems they have lying on the shelf, around their Tv. </p><p>Jonas sighs, kicking up his feet and grabbing his beer. "Nah man, but Isak and us boys do, so you put up with it." </p><p>"Isak told me the boys come here pretty often for gaming nights. That's nice. I like that he still has some old friends, that I can remember. That we both do, I guess." Even sits back, as well, relaxing. It's surprisingly chill hanging out with Jonas. He'd been a bit nervous, when Isak had initially mentioned he'd be alone with Jonas for the afternoon, since he didn't really know the guy. Always thought of him more as Isak's hipster best friend. </p><p>But as Jonas had reminded him, that's not how things were anymore. Not only were they more of just one big amalgamation of friends now, but Jonas is apparently on his firehouse crew, so they spend endless hours together every week. </p><p>This information had thrown Even for a bit of a loop. Another one of those moments that really slapped in the face, with just how much he's forgotten. How can he have this whole new life as a firefighter, with this whole new family at his firehouse... and not remember anything about being there with them. </p><p>Yet he remembers the firehouse. He remembers exactly what it looks like, he even remembers being there for years... so why can't he remember the other people that have been there with him, all this time?</p><p>It's the most frustrating thing, Even has ever experienced. </p><p>"You ok there, bud?" Even snaps out of his thoughts, at the sound of Jonas' voice, finding the boy staring at him, looking a little concerned. </p><p>Even makes a conscious effort to relax his face, knowing his frustration is probably showing. "Ya, ya, I'm fine. Just endlessly frustrated by all the things I want to remember, but can't." </p><p>"What were you thinking about just then? Maybe I can help." Jonas offers. </p><p>Even sighs. "Just this whole career I have. This like whole new life. I mean, I remember being a firefighter, I remember going through training, and I can even picture the firehouse, and some of the calls I've been out on. But there is also all the missing pieces, that keep nagging at me. And I don't understand why I can remember the job, but not the second family, I've spent all these years building my career with." </p><p>Jonas takes a moment to absorb all this. "Hmmm, ya, I can see how that would be a lot to try and process. Obviously, I can't tell you <em>why </em>you can't remember certain things, but can remember others... that's way out of my wheel house. But what I can try to tell you, is some info about the team? Maybe try to jog your memory a bit that way? But only if you think you're ready for that? I don't want to overwhelm you, either." </p><p>Even sits up, turning his whole body towards Jonas. "No please! I want to know."</p><p>Jonas sits up a bit more, too, trying to decide where to start. "Well, you already know that Yousef is part of the 118. You two joined together, a couple years after high school. You did a year of college for some artsy film degree or something, I don't know as much about that, so better to ask Isak, but you ended up dropping out. Yousef had been travelling, and had just gotten back, and wasn't sure what to do with his life. From what you've told me, you knew you needed a job where you could help people, and make a difference, and one day you and Yousef saw a fire crew helping evacuate a construction site after an accident, and felt inspired to give it a shot. You both just kind aced it in training, and loved it. It also worked great for you, because you wanted to find something where you could get through the schooling/training fast, because you needed to start working, in order for Isak to be able to pursue his dream of going to med school. He was trying to work long hours to pay his own way, with the help of government loans, but he was so over stressed and over worked, you put an end to it."</p><p>Something about the way Jonas says this, makes Even's face wrinkle in an unhappy grimace. "What do you mean I "put an end to it"? I forced Isak to quit his job?" </p><p>Jonas quickly shakes his head. "Sorry, that came out wrong. It's nothing like that. Believe me, you would never force Isak to do anything. You are a totally sucker for that kid. Plus he's such a stubborn little asshole, I doubt you could, anyway." Jonas chuckles to himself lightly, at this thought. Even is quite surprised to hear this, he hadn't gotten the impression that Isak is stubborn. "Anyway, I just meant that you couldn't stand to see how burnt out Isak was, trying to balance all that, so you started working full time, and overtime when necessary, so that Isak could take on a more manageable work load, and focus on school. It's just the kind of couple you guys are. Always putting the other first. It's adorable... and also infuriating for the rest of us to be around, because we know we will never live up to the standards of the mighty Evak." </p><p>Jonas rolls his eyes lovingly, while Even just kind of busts out laughing. "I'm sorry, Evak?" </p><p>"It's what the rest of us call you behind your back, when you're being disgustingly in love." Jonas shrugs. "Anyway, do you want to hear more about the fire crew, or what?" </p><p>Even actually kind of wants to hear more about him and Isak now, loving these little tidbits Jonas is giving him. But he also feels like he should be hearing this stuff from Isak, himself. It seems wrong somehow to fish for information about him, from his best friend. "Ya, ok. Please tell me everything." </p><p>Jonas snorts a little. "Well I'm not sure we can cover everything in one day, but I'll definitely give you the basics. Ok where were we? Oh, right, so you and Yousef passed your training with flying colours, and both ended up at the 118. About a year after that, I got back from travelling the world and trying to make a global difference, and was feeling really useless here, not being able to do much, besides pick up odd jobs that were super unfulfilling. You picked up on that, and asked me if I wanted to do a day shadowing your crew, and a few months later, I joined the team. I ended up convincing Eva to join us, shortly after that. She actually wanted to go into medicine like Isak, but she didn't have the grades or the focus, to make it through her first year of university, in good enough standing for med school. Ended up working out though, because she's one of the best paramedics in the entire firefighter system. She actually inspired Yousef to become a paramedic shortly after she joined the crew."</p><p>"So you and your girlfriend work together? That must be tough in a job like this." Even inquires. </p><p>Jonas chokes a little on his beer. "Oh fuck. That's a major flashback moment for me. I totally forgot, that in the part of your life you remember, me and Eva were a thing." </p><p>Even blushes a little. "Oh, sorry. I didn't realize you guys had broken up." </p><p>Jonas gives him a little pat on the shoulder. "It's all good man. It's been years. And we've managed to stay really good friends. She's much happier with Noora, than she ever was with me." </p><p>Even's eyes go wide. "Noora? That pretty blonde, that used to live with Isak?" </p><p>Jonas winks at him. "Ya, that one. Hot couple huh? Nah, but in all seriousness, they're great together. Almost as great as you and Isak." </p><p>Even takes a minute to try and fit all this new information, into the story he's trying to build in his head. "Ok, so who else is on our team?" </p><p>"Other than that, it's just Cap. We all call him Cap, but his actual name is Anders. He's definitely the most mature member of the group. Some days I'm sure he feels like he's wrangling a bunch of children, but deep down, we all know he loves us, and would totally die for any one of us." </p><p>Even is trying so hard to picture this man in his mind. He knows the memory is there, but no matter how hard he concentrates, he just can't picture the face. "Do you have any pictures of the crew? I can't put a face to Cap. And I only know Eva as a 17 year old girl. It's all just so weird." </p><p>Jonas nods, fishing out his phone. He takes a minute scrolling through his pictures until he finds what he's looking for. "This is the crew and their partners, last year at Christmas. We had to work on Christmas day, so Isak, Sana, and Noora, came with cooked dinner to surprise us." </p><p>Even is stunned. He takes the phone, and starts zooming in on peoples faces. He immediately recognizes himself and Isak, his arms around Isak's shoulders, and Isak's face tucked into his neck, smiling. Then he sees Yousef and Sana, and that makes him smile with his whole face. About damn time those two got their shit together, they'd been flirting since they were kids. Next he notices, two beautiful, more mature versions, of the girls he knows to be Noora and Eva, from his vague recollections of them as teenagers. Ah! There is an older gentleman he doesn't recognize at all, who must be Anders, cutting the turkey in the background. Even stares at his face, concentrating as hard as he can, trying to force at least one memory of this man, back into his consciousness. When it doesn't work, he grumbles to himself, and moves on to where he sees Jonas, sitting off to the side, staring grumpily back at all the happy couples. </p><p>"Sooooo... no girlfriend for you, than?" Even asks, with a little chuckle. </p><p>"Oh shut it." Jonas snaps, grabbing the phone back from Even. "It's been a tough couple years, being surrounded by all you loved up jerks." </p><p>This should be a funny moment, but all that Even really feels is sadness. Is he really a loved up jerk, if he can't even remember being in love? </p><p>Jonas seems to pick up on the change in his mood. "You ok, man?" </p><p>Is he ok? Well no, frankly he's not ok at all. He's just not sure that Jonas is really the right person to dump all his emotional baggage on. Sure, in this new world, they are apparently close friends... but that's not the way Even remembers him, which makes it a tricky situation for him. </p><p>"I don't know, honestly." Even breathes. "Physically, I'm fine, and I know that's a lot to be grateful for. But I also just feel like the world is playing some cruel joke on me, and I'm just waiting to wake up, and realize it's all been some crazy dream." </p><p>Jonas nods, but doesn't really know how to respond to that. </p><p>"I just wish I could see into the future, and had some timeline telling me that like, ya it sucks right now, but in a month everything will be back to normal. You know?" Even is just kind of rambling now, but it feels good to just get this off his chest, so he continues. "I just wish I knew if things were ever going to be the same, or if this is it for me, now. If this is my new normal, and I just need to give up on the past and move on. Try to focus on building a future as whoever I am now, and stop spending most of my energy, trying to make the past come back to me." </p><p>Jonas looks at him intensely. "I actually think I get that. I'm like that, too. I just want to know what I'm dealing with, and then focus on that 100%. But you can't really do that, because you're torn between wanting to remember the past, and live that life, while also knowing it would be easier if you could just move on, and try to focus on what's coming next." </p><p>Even nods, that's about as good of an explanation as any, he supposes. "And then there is the guilt. I feel so much guilt all the time. Guilt for not remembering people. Guilt for forgetting important moments I've shared with people. Guilt for disrupting peoples lives, so they can take care of my ass. Guilt for all the pain I know I'm causing Isak, just by existing." Even looks down at his lap. "And most of all, guilt because there is in fact a part of me that is already tired of living in a past I don't remember, and wants to just focus on the future... but that basically means, giving up on remembering the life I built with Isak. How awful of a person does that make me?"</p><p>There is a long silence here. Even appreciates how much thought Jonas puts into answering his questions. </p><p>"I don't think it makes you awful. I know it would be hard for people to hear, that you just want to move on from remembering the past, but that's not the same as wanting to move on from the people in it. It's more about being able to make new memories, and not always have to focus on everything you've lost." </p><p>Even breathes a little sigh of relief. It feels good to be understood. "And I'm not saying I'm like committed to that. I only really think that like when I'm feeling really hopeless, or the pain of the memories gets to be too much. The vast majority of my heart and soul, wants the memories back. Wants my old life back, because everyone keeps selling it to me, like it was a pretty damn good life." </p><p>Jonas gives him an encouraging smile. "I mean I know I'm just a third party here, but I really think it was Even. You seemed really happy. You have a great family, great friends, you love your job, you're genuinely one of the best and most caring people I've ever met. And lucky you are, because I'd never let anyone I didn't trust completely, have Isak. Yes I'm <em>that </em>kind of best friend, but he needs me to be this way. I've been through so much with him in his younger years, and that's why I am the way I am." </p><p>Even's eyes have gone wide in shock, at this sudden outburst in Jonas' rambling. "I'm sorry what? What do you mean everything he's been through? What am I missing here?" </p><p>Jonas looks at him contemplatively, and Even can tell there is so much Jonas wants to say, but in the end, he holds his tongue. "As important as it might be for you to know this stuff, about Isak's past. It's not my place to fill you in on it. Isak will do it once he gets more comfortable with you, again. I'm sure of it." </p><p>Even wants to growl in frustration. This is one of those moments, where his lack of memory, is absolutely infuriating. </p><p>"Anyway." Jonas continues, trying to change the subject. "I really do think it's worth it for you to focus on getting your memories back, and keep going on that track as long as you can handle it. I would honestly kill for your life, Even. To be gaining grounds in my career, have such a great circle of friends and family, and most importantly, be spending my life with my actual soulmate. You have no idea how lucky you are... and I don't say that to be cruel, because I know it's not your fault you don't know. I'm just saying, your life is definitely worth fighting for." </p><p>The conviction is Jonas' voice, does something to Even. It's exactly what he needed to hear. Somehow, hearing an outsider's perspective, telling him he needs to keep fighting, provides him with a strength he's been lacking. </p><p>Even pushes himself across the couch, wrapping Jonas in his arms. "Thank you, Jonas. I'm really glad Isak has you." Then he pulls back, smiling at Jonas, as a thought occurs to him. "Or I guess I should say, that <em>we </em>have you." </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ok there you have it! Please comment and come chat with me if you enjoyed the chap! It makes me so happy o hear your thoughts!</p><p>Hopefully this slightly longer chap, makes up for missing last week! And don't worry, next chap will be full of trips down memory lane ;)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. This is why it's Worth Remembering</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Isak and Even take a walk down memory lane... and maybe a little bit more ;)</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you guys again so much for your love and support on the last chapter! It means so much to me! I really love reading all your comments, so I really can't thank you enough! </p><p>Author's note: I wrote a big section of this chapter while listening to the song "River Flows in You" by a pianist called Yiruma.  highly advise listening to this on repeat when you get to the part where they start sharing old memories... it just feels right you guys haha</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u"> <strong>ISAK</strong> </span>
</p><p><span class="u"></span>The next few days are much the same. </p><p>Moments of happiness, a lot of easy banter... interspersed with a lot of awkwardness, and uncomfortable silences. </p><p>Isak knew it wasn't going to be easy sailing, but at the same time, he just really wants things to feel normal, or at least easier than this. </p><p>He just doesn't know how to act, half the time. Part of him feels like he should be acting as normal as possible, to try and help Even remember, and maybe see what their daily life is like. But the other part of him, realizes that he can't quite do that, because Even isn't his Even, right now. He can't act 100% himself around this Even, because now there are new boundaries between them, that never used to exist. </p><p>Instead, he finds himself second guessing things, before he says them. Wondering about his actions, after he's performed them. Wanting to bombard Even with stories and memories, to force them back into his head, but not wanting to overwhelm him. </p><p>The whole thing is like this huge balancing act, that Isak is unsure how to navigate. </p><p>He wishes there were some kind of guide book out there, "The Handbook For Loved Ones Who've Forgotten Who They Are", would be really helpful, right about now. </p><p>He'd even tried looking online, for anyone's story, that might be similar to his. He'd found a couple blogs about amnesia, and some of it is mildly helpful, but the majority of it, just feels like cold hard facts and science, rather than the emotional guidance he's seeking. </p><p>So for now, he's just trying to let Even take the lead. Answer his questions, when he asks them. Share stories, when Even hints at them. And to keep his distance, when he feels that Even needs some space. </p><p>He truly can't wait for the day when all this is over. When he doesn't have to think twice about his every thought and action... when they can just be <em>them </em>again. </p><p>"What are you thinking about?" Isak's head snaps up to meet Even's eyes, across the dinner table. </p><p>"Huh?" </p><p>"You looked like you were really deep in an unsatisfying thought." Even observes. "Is my chicken masala, that bad?" </p><p>Isak quickly shakes his head. "No! Of course not! You know your cooking is amazing!"</p><p>And it really is. Even has been spending a lot of time in the kitchen, the past few days. Isak isn't sure if it's because it's a nice way for Even to get some alone time, and focus on something other than the tragedy weighing on him. Or if it's his way of sharing something nice with Isak, and making sure that they sit and east a nice meal together, every night.</p><p>Either way, everyday Even goes on a little walk through their neighbourhood, past his parents house, and his old school, to get his groceries, then comes home to start cooking. Once they've finished their supper, Even will settle in the living room, and pick one of the movies from his shelf. Sometimes, Isak will join him, though he usually spends most of the movie, observing Even, and the sheer joy emanating from him, as he gets to rediscover one of his favourite films. However, sometimes Isak feels he should just leave Even to it, and uses the time to work on all the school work he needs to catch up on. </p><p>Isak supposes the routine is helpful. Gives Even a chance to feel he is in control of at least something in his life, with everything that's been taken from him.  </p><p>"Ok, well is there something on your mind, than? Maybe something you want to talk about?" Even inquires. </p><p>Isak blushes lightly. It would actually be nice to get some of his feelings out there. Maybe Even feels the same way, and they could talk about it, and move past it. At least, that's what they would have done in their old life.</p><p>But in the end, Isak just can't bring himself to be that open. To risk hurting Even, with his somber thoughts. To be so vulnerable, with this veritable stranger. </p><p>"Ummm, no not really. Sorry, I was just thinking of this make up assignment I need to work on, in place of the weeks of residency I'm missing. It's a bit stressful, that's all." Isak mumbles. </p><p>Even's eyes drop to his plate, and Isak can swear he sees sadness behind them. Shit. Can Even tell he's lying? Does that bother him?</p><p>"Oh, well I'm sorry about that. I know it's my fault, you have to do a make up assignment." </p><p>Fuck. He hadn't meant to make Even feel worse. Ugh. When will Isak get something right around him! "No fuck, Even. It's not like that! It's not your fault! Besides, doing an assignment is nothing compared to three weeks of 12-hour shifts at the hospital. If anything, you're doing me a favour." Isak tries to give him a teasing grin. But he can tell Even isn't buying it, and the whole thing falls flat. </p><p>They end up falling into an awkward silence, after that. Isak sighs. Here we go again, he thinks. </p><p>He continues picking at his food, feeling his appetite having slipped away, but not wanting to insult Even, by not eating his meal. </p><p>After a while, Even breaks the silence. "Umm, Isak?" </p><p>Isak looks up, eagerly, relieved to break the awkward silence. "Ya, Even?" </p><p>"I was wondering if maybe tonight, we could go through that photo album you left by the bed? I mean, I've obviously creeped through it more than a few times, on my own. But it would be nice to get some context for all those moments. Would that be alright?" Even asks, flushing shyly. </p><p>Isak feels butterflies explode in his stomach. Finally! He'd assumed that once they got home, they would be spending most of their days, diving deep down into memory lane, trying anything and everything to jog Even's memory. But to Isak's surprise, Even has seemed almost reluctant to start reliving the old days. He rarely asked Isak questions about their past, never once asking him to sit down and go through their photo albums, or home movies.</p><p>It breaks Isak's heart a little bit. And he's too afraid to ask Even, why? Why is he avoiding their past? Why does he only seem to want old the memories, when Isak is the one to initiate the offering of information?</p><p>It seems especially strange, considering Even always seems so moved, and like he really enjoys hearing stories from their life, when Isak decides to share little anecdotes.</p><p>So why hasn't Even asked for more?</p><p>Honestly, Isak is terrified that Even has just given up. Decided it's too hard and too sad, trying to remember a past, that's gone to him.</p><p>The thought has been keeping Isak awake at night. Leaves him shivering and shaking through tears, long into the night. Imagining a world where Even just wants to move on, forget the past, and maybe even... just forget him.</p><p>"I mean, we don't have to." Isak is shaken from his reverie, noticing that Even's blush is getting deeper, and he's starting to break eye contact, again.</p><p>"No!" Isak is quick to correct him. He is utterly ecstatic that Even is showing interest in their past, and doesn't want to miss this opportunity. "I would love that!"</p><p>Even smiles, gently. "Ok, let me just clean up a bit, and I'll meet you in the living room?"</p><p>Isak nods quickly, jumping up from the table, and heading to gather the photo album Even mentioned. It is full of particular photos that Isak had selected, and put together, the day he found out Even was coming home. Special pictures of special moments. Happy moments. The kinds of days, he hoped would inspire Even, and show him how good their life together is.</p><p>He grabs the album, and then grabs their favourite blankets from the hall closet. Isak's a red plaid flannel, and Even's a blue fleecy number, with white snowflakes.</p><p>He sets up the living room, to be as cozy as possible. Puts one of Even's favourite records on the record player, letting the music whisper soothingly in the background. Turning the lighting down, enough to feel cozy. Throwing his blanket over his legs, with Even's ready to go, next to him.  </p><p>Even joins him shortly after, and Isak watches as Even takes in the scene he has set for them, with a soft smile. "Very nice." He comments, approvingly. </p><p>"Why thank you." Isak takes a little bow, grinning. </p><p>Even approaches the couch. "I take it this one is mine?" He indicates the blue blanket. </p><p>Isak nods. "Your favourite." </p><p>Evens sighs appreciatively, as he crawls into the blanket's warmth. "I'm always cold. This blanket is a god send." </p><p>Isak gives him a wistful smile. "That's exactly what you said, the first time you ever wrapped yourself up in that blanket." </p><p>Even grins. "Good to know old me had exceptional taste." </p><p>Isak feels a little stab in his gut. He hates when Even refers to <em>his </em>Even... as <em>old </em>Even. It makes it feel like Even doesn't consider himself to be the same person, anymore. Like he's separated himself completely, from the Even that Isak loves with his whole heart. </p><p>It fucking hurts. </p><p>Trying to move things along, before he becomes morose again, Isak quickly grabs the photo album. "Shall we?" </p><p>Even nods, sliding a little closer to Isak on the couch. </p><p>Isak flips to the first photo, and immediately feels a giggle rising in his chest. "Ahhh yes, Halloween a couple years ago. You were determined to reuse the big white beard you'd gotten a couple of halloweens earlier, and the only thing you could come up with, was to dress up as Dumbledore!"</p><p>Even chuckles, appreciatively. "I make a surprisingly good Dumbledore. And that must make you Harry Potter?"</p><p>Isak nods with a grin. "What do you think of me with brown hair?"</p><p>"Surprisingly attractive. Though I'd have to say I prefer the blonde curls. Makes you look more sweet, and innocent." Even concludes.</p><p>Isak feels his heart soar a little, hearing this. "See, the old you is definitely still in there. You couldn't stand how long it was taking for the brown dye to come out of my hair. I swear, me not having my soft blonde curls, was like a traumatic event for you." </p><p>Even's eyes go wide. "Damn, I am one dramatic mother fucker, huh?" </p><p>Isak puts a hand over his heart, to empathize his point. "When it comes to my curls, definitely!" </p><p>Even turns back to the photo. "Ok, I just have to say it... there is something inherently creepy about seeing Harry Potter straddling Dumbledore's lap like that. Even though I know it's not really them, it's fucking with my head a little."</p><p>This time Isak straight up bursts out laughing. "That's exactly why Mik wanted us to pose like that, for the photo! Not gonna lie, your bestie has a fucked up sense of humour!"</p><p>Even's eyes light up. "It makes so much sense now. Of course, that was Mik's idea."</p><p>Isak flips to the next page. "Oh! This photo is so sweet. This is the first time I met your family!"</p><p>Isak watches as Even leans over the album, assessing the picture more closely. It's one of Isak's favourites. The first time he met his new family. Even's mama is standing next to him, with an arm over his shoulders, and Even and his dad are looking at each other, laughing over some inside joke, that neither Isak, or Even's mama understood.</p><p>"My mama seems rather fond of you." Even notes.</p><p>"Oh she's rather fond of <em>us, </em>for sure." Isak says, with a wink. </p><p>"What does that mean?" Even asks, a little scandalized.</p><p>"The whole day, she could not stop commenting on how cute we are together. I swear, that one might have a little bit of a gay fetish. Or maybe it was just her way of making us feel accepted. But let's just say, after you told her you were dating a guy, she probably read and watched, every piece of gay literature out there! And she did not stop at the stuff rated PG."</p><p>Even's head falls into his hands, with mock shame. "I actually remember some of that. It didn't start when I brought home my first boy. It actually started when I first came out to her as queer. It's sweet really. But also, that woman has no boundaries or filter!"</p><p>They both share another round of giggles, thinking of the woman they both love so much.</p><p>Even quickly reaches over, flipping to the next picture, clearly encouraging Isak to move on from his mama's embarrassing antics.</p><p>"Oh wow, we look very dapper!" </p><p>Isak claps his hands together, excitedly. "Oh, I love this one! This was at your medal ceremony, after you completed your year of probation, and officially became a full fledge firefighter, with the 118. I could not have been more proud!" </p><p>"I can tell." Even looks fondly at the picture. Seeing the way Isak is beaming at him, holding his new badge. </p><p>"That was such a fun night, too. We had a big party at the firehouse. Your whole family, and all our friends came for the ceremony, of course. But the after party, was where it really got crazy!" Isak thinks back on that night. "Once all the responsible adults went home, us and our close friends went to the pub, and man we got so drunk! We sang karaoke, took more shots than I can count... I think Jonas tried to kiss you at one point, and when I freaked out him, his drunk ass starting crying, and said he just wanted what we had!" </p><p>Even is shocked by this, and highly amused. "He tried to kiss me?" </p><p>"Oh, it was nothing serious. Jonas tries to become a throuple with us, at least twice a year, when he's wasted. Take it as flattery. Although, it honestly has nothing to do with us as people. It's really only about wanting what we have." Isak suddenly catches himself, and looks away uncomfortably. "Or <em>had</em>, I guess." </p><p>Trying to cover up the awkward moment he's created, he continues quickly. "I'm pretty sure he's also tried to get in on Noora and Eva's thing, too. Poor fucker, we really need to find that boy some love." </p><p>Isak risks a glance at Even, and finds him staring at him, completely bemused. </p><p>Isak decides it's better to move on from this one, he's probably shared enough about their crazy little friend group. </p><p>"Oh, look!" Isak slides closer to Even, pushing the album under his nose. "This is the time we fostered a puppy! Damn, I miss that little girlie." </p><p>"We had a dog?" Isak looks over, seeing the shock on Even's face. </p><p>"Well, we really wanted a dog, but you had reservations, because of our busy schedules, and crazy shifts." Isak rolls his eyes, teasingly. "You were right, of course. But you've never been able to say no to me, outright." Isak flushes a little, hiding his pleased grin. "So you insisted we foster a puppy first, and see if we could actually make it work. Needless to say, it did not. But we had a really fun month, fostering this little angel. Her name is Bunny. Does anything about that seem familiar to you, at all?" </p><p>Isak looks at Even eagerly, hoping that maybe somewhere in that head of his, he might have a memory or an emotion, in regards to their puppy. </p><p>"Uhhh, I'm sorry Isak... but no." They both look, down at their laps, sadly. "What happened to her, though?" </p><p>Isak is grateful for Even's question. Anything to break the momentary tension. "Oh, well actually, Noora and Eva adopted her. We were absolutely devastated that we couldn't keep her ourselves, because of course, we had become insanely attached to her. Luckily though, Noora works from home most of the time, and she had also fallen in love with Bunny, so they adopted her. It worked out great, because she found a lovely home, and we still get to see her all the time!" </p><p>Even absorbs all this. "Wow, we are lucky to have such great friends. I can't wait to meet Bunny, one day." </p><p>Isak feels a weird shiver crawl down his spine. Once again, it just catches him completely off guard, hearing Even speak like that. Saying he can't wait to meet a dog, he's met a million times. </p><p>Quickly trying to distract himself, before he can get any deeper into his dark thoughts, he flips to the next photo. </p><p>This time, Isak finds himself completely incapable of describing anything about the photo, to Even. He'd forgotten he even included this photo. Seeing it again, so unexpectedly, feels like someone has grabbed his heart in their fist, and is trying to squeeze it until it explodes.</p><p>For a second, it's like all the wind is knocked out of him.</p><p>"Isak?" Even whispers, sensing the sudden change in the atmosphere.</p><p>Isak clears his throat a couple of times, before he can force himself to speak. "Sorry. This picture just hits particularly hard. I'm sure you can guess the context of this one." He manages to breathe.</p><p>Even doesn't respond right away, but Isak can feel his eyes on the side of his face. "I'm so sorry, Isak. This is one of those moments, I'd give anything to remember. But more than that, I wish I could remember how much love and joy, we must have felt towards each other, leading up to, and during this moment."</p><p>Isak gently runs his fingers over the photo. It's the same one Even saw in the hallway, his first night back in the house. The one from their trip to Marrakesh, right after Even had proposed. Even has his arms around Isak's neck, smiling and laughing against his cheek, and Isak is looking at the camera with a tear soaked smile, holding his engagement ring, out towards the camera.   </p><p>"Hey, Isak, come here." Isak is surprised when he feels Even's arms wrap around his shoulders, encouraging him to lean into his side. "Shhh, please don't cry." </p><p>Only then, does Isak become aware of the wetness on his cheeks. Dammit. This is supposed to be a fun walk down memory lane. A way to encourage Even, to want to do more of this, to force his memories back into his head. </p><p>"No, no! I'm fine. Honestly. Let's keep going. This is important." Isak tries to sit back up, but Even tightens his arm, keeping Isak tucked away against his side. </p><p>Slowly, Even reaches for the album, and closes it. Sliding it onto the coffee table. </p><p>Isak doesn't say anything. He knows he's lost the battle for tonight... and a part of him is grateful for it. </p><p>As much as he loves reliving all these memories, it is at least equal parts, painful as it is pleasant. And this last one... really feels like it destroyed him. </p><p>Even seems to understand this, wrapping more of his body around Isak, until Isak is pressed up against his warm chest, and they are sharing both blankets. </p><p>Isak breathes in the smell of him. Rubs his face into Even's chest. He knows it's weird, and it's wrong... but he just can't help himself. He needs the comfort so badly. Just for one second, he wants to hold onto Even, and pretend, that nothing has changed. That this is <em>his </em>Even, he's clinging to. </p><p>"Isak?" Even whispers, breaking the silence. </p><p>Isak only hums in response, not willing to open his eyes, or pull away from Even's chest. </p><p>"Can I be honest with you?" Isak nods, lightly. "I can tell you've been wondering why I haven't been more invested in looking at pictures, and asking more about our past. And I'm sorry for that. I need you to know, it's not because I don't care, or that I don't want the memories back... it's just really fucking hard on me, in a lot of different ways. And I can tell it's hard on you, too. And I hate that." Even speaks so softly, trying not break the quiet of this moment. </p><p>"It is hard. But I want to share the memories with you, anyway. I need to know that you want them back. That you haven't given up." Isak squeezes Even in his arms, just a little tighter. </p><p>Even sighs, deep and heavy. "I'm not going to lie to you, Isak. There are times when I have questioned, if it would all be easier, lower the weight of people's expectations, if I could just focus on the future, and try to live with what I have now... to build new memories, instead of expending so much of my energy trying to live in the past." </p><p>Isak feels himself start to shake, and more tears stream from his eyes, soaking into Even's shirt. This is everything he's been afraid of. </p><p>Sensing Isak's distress, Even tucks Isak even deeper into the curve of his neck, hugging him closer. "But... I can see now, that that's not an option. For one thing, I refuse to give up on <em>us</em>. And I know those moments, and memories, are important to who we are. And for another, I don't want to keep hurting you. But mainly, because I can see even from these little photos, and moments you and Jonas have shared with me... that my life is one that's damn well <em>worth </em>remembering." Even's voice is firm now, sure. "I want to be that person again. The one everyone seems to love and admire. I want to be happy. And I want the life we've built together. I want the relationship everyone seems so envious of. We deserve that. I know we do, Isak." </p><p>Isak has no words. He couldn't speak now, even if he wanted to. He is completely choked up with so many emotions, he feels like he might implode. </p><p>Even isn't seeking a response, though. He seems to be simply reflecting. Breathing quietly, while his hand strokes, absentmindedly, up and down Isak's back. </p><p>It's the most soothing sensation Isak has felt in days. It's like a drug. </p><p>His face buried in Even's chest, engulfed in his scent. His head rising and falling, in time to Even's measured breaths. The dim lighting, and the heat from the blankets. </p><p>Isak's tears start to dry up, and a heaviness settles over him. </p><p>And it's good... it's so so good. </p><p>"Hold me..." He mumbles, as sleep finally takes over. </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>There you have it! A little trip down memory lane... with many more to come!! I hope this chapter made you feel happy, sad, laugh, and maybe even cry!</p><p>Many of you wanted to see them cuddle... so you're welcome ;)</p><p>The next chapter is going to have a little more insight, specifically into Isak's past. And then... A BIG MOMENT for them, and once that I think you'll all love... is coming your way!!</p><p>Please leave a comment if you felt anything... or just want to make my day!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Turning Point</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Late night talks, Isak opens up about his past, Even asks personal questions... and then something big happens ;)</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey guys! Sorry for the late update. I'm having such a hard time getting motivated these days. I know that's a pretty common feeling thanks to this shitty ass year, but ya, it's been a very long few weeks of headaches from masks and face shields, sweating in gowns, working overtime, and then being lonely as fuck anytime I'm not at work... </p><p>And like most creators in this fandom, I've been having some negative experiences lately. I want to be able to keep my positive memories and experiences from skam, without all the shadowing negativity. </p><p>I am going to finish this story either way, because I really enjoy this theme, and it's been a really good escape for me in these tough times. Plus all the people who have been kind enough to comment, and talk to me, have really made a difference during these hard and lonely times.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u"> <strong>ISAK</strong> </span>
</p><p>Isak wakes up slowly, feeling the strangest sense of peace and warmth. Sensations he's lost familiarity with, over the last week. </p><p>He yawns, hoping with all his might, that he will fall back asleep. That he can just continue to exist in this world, where things feel ok, for just a little bit longer. </p><p>"Are you awake?" </p><p>Isak's eyes blink open, as Even's whispered words, pulls him from the last remnants of sleep. </p><p>"Unfortunately." Isak whispers back, not wanting to break the silent peacefulness of the night. "That was the best sleep I've had in days." </p><p>Even's arms wrap a little tighter around him. "What? A two hour nap on the couch, is the best sleep you've had in days? Isak, why didn't you tell me you aren't sleeping?" </p><p>Even's voice has risen a couple octaves, and Isak kicks himself internally, for letting that slip. </p><p>"I'm only kidding. It just felt nice to feel this sense of warmth, and normalcy, for a bit." Isak tries to cover up his little slip. </p><p>"Good try." Even deadpans. "But I kind of figured you weren't sleeping very well. You look exhausted, and are always up before the crack of dawn." </p><p>Isak doesn't have a good response to this, so he just squishes his face into Even's chest, and stays quiet. He may as well enjoy as much of Even's comfort as he can. Once the moment is broken, who knows how long it will be, before they have this kind of connection between them again. </p><p>Even starts to push himself more into a sitting position, and Isak can't help the little whine that escapes him, clinging tighter to Even's torso. </p><p>"Isak, come on. It's past midnight. Let's move to the bed, ok? Or if you're not comfortable with that, I'll sleep on the couch tonight." Isak opens his mouth to argue, but Even cuts him off. "I'm not taking no for an answer. You're clearly exhausted. You need to sleep somewhere more comfortable than the couch. At least for tonight." </p><p>"Sleeping in the bed, isn't going to fix my insomnia, Even." Isak tries to reason. </p><p>"Well you just slept soundly for two hours, so you can at least try." </p><p>Isak tucks him face so deep into Even's shirt, he's not even sure Even can hear him anymore. "I didn't sleep soundly because of the bed or the couch. The furniture isn't what makes the difference." </p><p>Even is very still for a moment. </p><p>"Then let's go to bed together. If that's what it takes for you to finally get some sleep, cuddling with you, isn't exactly a hardship for me, Isak." Even breathes, face buried in Isak's soft curls. </p><p>Isak wants to give in, he really does. But he just can't. He's afraid to say anything more, though, worried that if he continues to refuse him, Even will become frustrated, and pull away from him, all together. </p><p>But when Isak just clings on tighter, and makes no attempt to move form their spot, Even catches. "Isak, what is it? Why does it matter if we're cuddling on the couch, or on the bed?" </p><p>"I just can't go back in there. Not yet." Isak hesitates, before his voice gets even quieter. "It's just... the last time I was in that bed, I woke up to a phone call, that took my life away from me. The last time I was in that bed... I was with <em>my </em>Even. It's <em>our </em>bed." Isak feels tears of guilt slipping down his cheek. "I know how awful thats sounds. How cruel it is to say that to you. How unfair. But I just can't... it just doesn't feel right." </p><p>And how fucked up is that? Even to himself, Isak can't quite wrap his head around what he just said, or what he's feeling. He is literally holding Even... and rationally he knows there is only one fucking Even. So how can it feel wrong, getting into their "marital" bed with him, when he's lying here, literally clinging to the guy, terrified he's going to let him go? </p><p>Isak is frozen, afraid to even breathe, after what he just admitted. Waiting for Even's reaction. Hiding his face against Even's chest, too embarrassed to risk glancing up at him. </p><p>To his surprise though, after a few more moments of dead silence, he starts to feel himself being pulled back into a reclining position, between Even's legs. </p><p>Isak needs this so bad, he doesn't question it. He squirms a little, finding his spot again, curled up on his side, cheek pressed against Even's chest, his legs curled up, resting underneath one of Even's strong thighs. </p><p>Even pulls the blankets back up over them, tucking them in around Isak's neck. Isak feels a shiver go down his spine, as warmth envelops him. </p><p>They lay there for a while, Even's good arm, stroking up and down Isak's back, until Isak's eyes start to feel heavy again. </p><p>"Isak?" </p><p>Isak forces his eyes back open. "Huh?" He responds groggily. </p><p>"Can I ask you something personal? You don't have to answer. But I think that if I don't ask this stuff now, in the darkness, while our barriers are down... I won't find the nerve to do it later." Even confesses. </p><p>Isak suddenly feels wide awake. Nervousness prickling at him. "Ummm, ok." </p><p>Even doesn't start right away, Isak gets the sense he's building up his courage. "Well, it's just... ever since I found out we were in a serious relationship, I guess I've been trying to like, picture it." Even stops and shakes his head. "No, no wait! Let me rephrase that. That sounds so creepy! I don't mean like "picture it", but more that... fuck I don't know how to phrase this." </p><p>Isak is tense now, eyebrows squeezed together, trying to piece together what Even is mumbling about. </p><p>Even clears his throat, and starts again. "Look, I have never been with a guy." A surprised squeak escapes Isak's tensed up body. "Or well, obviously I <em>have." </em>Even amends, awkwardly. "But not that I can remember. So I guess I'm just curious... about that side of our relationship. How did we get <em>there? </em>Is it good? Like healthy, I mean? I don't know if any of that even makes sense." Even's hand disappears from Isak's back, and he can tell Even is using it to hide his face. "Forget I said anything. I'm an idiot. That's so weird to ask you. I shouldn't be letting my curiosity put you in this awkward position."</p><p>Even continues to moan in his embarrassment, while Isak contemplates what he could possibly say to that?</p><p>In their old life, they no longer had any boundaries around sex and intimacy. It was one of the best things about their relationship, the endless trust and comfort they'd established.</p><p>In a weird way, Isak wants to try and build that with this Even, because he's tired of always feeling like he's on edge around him. The truth is, he has no idea when or if, Even will get his memories back. So maybe, it's not the worst idea, to try and work past some of the break down some of the barriers that have been built up between them, since Even's accident. </p><p>But that doesn't make it any less strange... talking about their sex life... with one of the participants... who simply doesn't remember being there. </p><p>Where should Isak even start? </p><p>He supposes if they're going there, he may as well go deep, and start way at the beginning. Use this opportunity, this connection they've created in the dark of the night, to reveal the secrets of his past. Because like Even had said before, if he doesn't find the guts to do it now, he may not find the nerve to do it later." </p><p>With a huge inhale, Isak closes his eyes, tightens his grip around Even, and tries to pretend this is just a normal night, with the love of his life, where they are cuddling in bed, and sharing stories of their pasts. He can do this. </p><p>"It might seem like I'm not answering your question, right away. But just bear with me, here." Isak begins. </p><p>Even's body stills beneath him. The rise and fall of his chest disappearing. If Isak had to guess, he would say Even's shocked that Isak is actually answering him. </p><p>"I didn't have a childhood like yours. Or parents like yours." Isak finds himself whispering, his voice the only break in the silence. "My family was religious. Especially in the early days. We went to church all the time, my mama read the bible to me, my papa believed all the things the catholic church would preach. And for my mama, that never changed. I'm not really sure if my papa ever went back to church, but anyway, he eventually stopped going so much, but he never stopped believing in those ideals. All the stuff you'd expect, but in terms of this story, obviously the most relevant belief I'm referring to, is that a man marries a woman, and all that homophobic bullshit." </p><p>Isak pauses, not wanting to get into the more traumatic parts of his childhood, but knowing it's information Even deserves to know. "Anyway, as I got older, my mama got sicker. Not physically, but mentally. Do you remember any of this stuff? This would have been happening around the time you remember teenage me."</p><p>"Uhh, I mean not the details, or the stuff about your mama. I remember you lived in the Kollectivet, from a pretty young age, because things were bad at home." Even responds, in an equally quiet tone. </p><p>Isak nods against his chest. "So the really bad fighting between my parents, started when I was a bit younger, like maybe ten or something. My mama would be having an episode, and my papa didn't understand what was happening, and so they would have these huge fights, and when I would get upset and start crying, and screaming for it to stop, my papa would drag me upstairs and lock me in my bedroom closet." </p><p>Even gasps, but Isak doesn't give him a chance to respond. He just wants to gets this out there, and over with. </p><p>"This went on for a while, and I'm sure you haven't missed the irony. The father whose terrified of having a gay son, keeping him locked in the closet." Isak's hands draw into fists, clenching in Even's shirt. "I became so scared of being locked away and forgotten about. One time he forgot to let me out for hours, and I was too afraid to scream for help, until I heard the door slam shut, and knew he'd stormed out." </p><p>"Dear god." Even moans, arms tightened even more, around Isak's frame. </p><p>"As I got older, however, I didn't take his shit anymore, and the fights would get worse, because now I got involved in them, too. Trying to defend mama. And my dad started to drink, more and more, over the years, so that didn't help anything. At some point, he must have figured out, or at least, started to have a sense, that I wasn't the straight son he wanted, because that started coming up in the fights. He would use hurtful slurs, and homophobic taunts, to upset me, and to try and turn mama against me, because as she became more mentally ill, she became even more of a Bible thumper. Until finally, one day he just up and left." </p><p>Isak pauses, gives Even the space to digest all this. </p><p>"Him leaving, was both the best and worst thing, that could have happened. I tried to stay and look after mama, but I was 15, and I couldn't do it. I couldn't handle her schizophrenia, on my own. So I left, moved in with Eskild, and eventually papa agreed to pay for mama to go into a home."</p><p>"Fuuuuuuck." Even breathes. "I had no idea, Isak. That's just... I don't even have the words. I'm so sorry." </p><p>Isak isn't sure how to respond to that, because of course, Even does know all of this already. It's just one more important thing about their past, that he's forgotten. </p><p>"As you can imagine, after growing up like that for my entire life, it wasn't easy for me to come out, and even after I slowly started peaking my way out of the closet... I was still filled with all kinds of internalized homophobia, basically just waiting to rear its ugly head, at all the worst times." Isak sighs, some of these awful memories flashing quickly through his minds eye. </p><p>Even squeezes his side, comfortingly. "It's not your fault. How could you not have had issues, with a father like that." </p><p>Isak shakes his head. "That's not an excuse, though. I knew better. And I knew how much words could hurt." Isak tries to shake off the old guilt, and continue with his story. "Anyway, the whole reason this is actually relevant to what you're wondering about, is because in the early days of our relationship, I had to get past a lot of my own barriers, and internalized homophobia, to get to where we are today. And I wasn't always great at it. Some of it was just small stuff, like not being able to handle PDA, or not wanting to go on public dates, but you always handled that stuff like a champ. You were nothing but kind and patient, letting me work my way up to being comfortable, and finally, getting to the point, where I couldn't wait to show you off to the world." </p><p>Finally, Isak feels a smile spreading across his face. It feels good, to relive these nicer memories, of the man he loves. </p><p>"I'm glad I was able to provide you with that comfort and understanding. It's nice to hear I managed to be a force of good in your life, after everything you've been through." Even smiles softly, too. </p><p>"Even." Isak finally lifts his chin, enough to meet Even's eye. "You were," He pauses, swallows, and corrects himself. "You <em>are </em>the best thing this life, or fate, or whatever, has <em>ever </em>given to me. Don't ever forget that." </p><p>They share an intimate moment, both staring at each other, with a mutual understanding, a sense of love flooding between them, for the first time in a long time. </p><p>Isak leans his neck out just a little, enough to plant a tiny kiss on the bottom of Even's chin... the only part of him he can reach without moving, and then rests his cheek back down on Even's chest. There is no way he can look him in the eye, for the rest of the story. </p><p>"My past affected other parts of our life, too. Things that are harder to relive. Like our first big fight." Isak squeezes his eyes shut, remembering. "It wasn't your fault at all, you had no way of knowing, at the time. But at one point, you started yelling at me in earnest, and I just lost it, tried to make a run for it, and when I realized the door was locked, I just went into a full panic attack."</p><p>"Oh my God!" Even gasped. "I was yelling at you, and locked you in the room!" </p><p>"No!" Isak quickly corrects him. "The door was just locked from the inside. I easily could have opened it, but I was panicking. The yelling, it just triggered something in me, reminded me of all the fights with my papa, and being locked in a dark closet. Honestly, it sounds awful to tell the story now, but in the end, it was just another building block for our relationship. You were amazing, you calmed me down, we sat on the floor for hours, with you just cradling me in your arms, I told you all the awful stories of my past that night, and we've never had a fight like that since."</p><p>"Seriously?" Even questions, surprised. </p><p>"I mean, we still fight sometimes. Of course we do, we're only human. But you've never yelled at me, since then. That's just the kind of person you are. You would never do something that would risk hurting me, or anyone else, if you could prevent it. That's why I've always trusted you with everything. All my deepest darkest secrets, and stories. You take them on, and find a way to make them ok." Isak informs him. </p><p>"This is stupid a stupid thing to say... but it feels so weird to hear these stories, which rationally I know are actually about me... but I still find myself, wishing and aspiring to be <em>that </em>guy... who is actually me. It's just so strange." Even muses. "To be jealous of a person who doesn't exist separately from myself, but feels like he does."</p><p>Isak chuckles. "Believe me, I get it. I've had more than a few of those moments lately, too. Trying to come to terms with now you... and then you... who are both just, <em>you." </em></p><p>They both laugh at this, and it feels good. A nice break in the tension, before Isak has to sink into the intimate part of his story. </p><p>"Ok, ok!" Isak, regains Even's attention. "So this is where the story, finally answers your question. We'd been together for a few months, and we were both eager to finally... you know." Isak flushes, feeling like an idiot, for not being able to just be an adult and say the word. "You had this whole romantic date night set for us, ending back your place, your parents were gone for the weekend, and everything was perfect. Candles, music, you went all out, of course, you big romantic sod." </p><p>Even chuckles, Isak can tell he's quite pleased with himself. </p><p>"We were madly in love, even then, so the build up and foreplay, was epic, as always." Isak blushes even more, burying his face a little deeper into the blankets. "But then I couldn't go through with it." </p><p>Even's head snaps up, trying to look down at Isak's hidden face. "What do you mean?" </p><p>"I know it sounds weird. We'd already done all the other stuff, no problem. I was madly in love with you... but when it came to the actual act of anal sex... I froze up, and I just couldn't get past this fucking voice, all the internalized homophobia, shouting in my head, telling me what I was doing was wrong. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get my body to relax enough for you to... well you know. And the more I failed, the more I stressed I got, and it only made everything worse."</p><p>"Fuck Isak, I'm sorry. That sounds awful." Even's response, actually makes Isak smile.</p><p>"You know, with any other guy, it probably would have been awful. Maybe even a little bit scary. But you made it totally ok, as you always did. You didn't make me feel ashamed, or guilty. You were just patient." Isak grins, as a particular memory from that night, flashes into his head. "You actually just said, "want me to be the bottom?", because you thought it would be easier for me." </p><p>"And was it?" Even's eyes have gone wide, clearly finally getting the information he was looking for. "Or did we not try that?" </p><p>Isak rubs his flushed face into Even's neck, feeling weirdly brave, enjoying being in control of the story. "Oh, no. We definitely did." He whispers, lips just below Even's ear, making him shiver. "It was easier for me, in the beginning, to not be on the receiving end. But I wasn't fully satisfied with that. I knew I wanted the experience, and I knew I wanted it with you." </p><p>Even's eyes have closed now, and Isak has no doubt, he's drawing himself one hell of a mental image. "And did you get it?" </p><p>"It took us a couple more tries, but eventually, I was able to get past the shit in my head, and finally experience... Complete. Fucking. Euphoria." Now Isak's lips are a mere inch from the sensitive skin of Even's ear. </p><p>"Ya?" Even's question, sounds more like a moan. </p><p>"Oh ya." Isak confirms. "I was meant to be a bottom. <em>Your </em>bottom. Believe me, it took us very little time, to understand that our bodies are meant for each other." </p><p>Isak has no idea what's come over him. Where this bravery, or need for intimacy, had come from. But he doesn't regret it. And goddamn it, he has <em>missed </em>it. </p><p>"Issssak. Fuck. That's really hot." Isak lifts his head enough to see that Even's eyes are still closed, a small satisfied smile on his beautiful lips. </p><p>"Ya?" Isak whispers, adjusting his position on top of Even, just little by little. "Should I tell you more stor..."</p><p>Suddenly, a loud ring makes them both jump out of their skin. Even flailing so hard, Isak is almost knocked off the couch, all together. </p><p>"What the fuck is that!" He shouts. The silence of the night completely shot. </p><p>Isak is breathing hard, shocked. "Uh - your - your phone." He points to the coffee table, where a lit up screen is vibrating. </p><p>"Fuck!" Even shouts, again. Snatching it up. "Oh my God, it's my mama!" </p><p>Even is so surprised to see his mother's contact, he just continues staring at his phone. </p><p>"Well!" Isak growls, exasperated by the whole situation. "Are you going to answer it, then!?" </p><p>Even seems to shake out of his stupor, and turns guilty eyes on Isak. "I'm sorry, I can't ignore her." </p><p>Isak shakes his head, and looks down at his lap, flushing. "Don't be." He mutters, quietly. </p><p>Even leaps from the couch, taking the call in the kitchen. Leaving Isak to curl in on himself, shaking a little, from how quickly their intimate moment had just... disappeared. </p><p>Fuck! Can't he have just <em>one </em>good fucking experience!! </p><p>"Mama! Mama! Calm down!" Isak listens to Even's side of the conversation. "I know. Of course, I know you would be here in heartbeat, if you'd heard what happened." Even pauses. "Mama, I get it. You were out in the middle of the jungle, no reception. I'm not mad!" Another pause. "Yes, I'm back home with Isak. I'm mostly fine. Physically I'm almost back to normal. Minor injuries." Pause. "Well ya... that's still happening. We're working on it. But nothing yet." Pause. "No, no. Mama, honestly, don't ruin your trip for me. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity. I'm fine." Pause. "Of course, I want you home. And I know you'll be home soon. I'm just saying, me and Isak are figuring this out. I don't want you to be terrified, and rushing off trying to get back here, and waste half your trip." Pause. "I'm not just trying to be some perfect selfless son! I'm just being honest." Pause. "Fine, well you're going to do whatever you want, anyway. And I'll be happy to see you." Pause. "Love you, too. So much. Ok, bye." </p><p>Isak is surprised that Even doesn't come back to the living room, right away. He must need some alone time to process everything with his parents. </p><p>Isak feels a bit guilty. He'd been so distracted by his own life with Even, since they'd returned from the hospital, that he'd completely forgotten about Even's parents. </p><p>God, he should have been checking on Even, seeing if he wanted to keep trying to get ahold of them, if he was missing them, and wishing he was with them instead. </p><p>Isak's head drops into his hands. He can't help feeling empty, now that the progress, or at least the intimacy of their night... has just disappeared. Is Isak naive for thinking they were getting somewhere? Reconnecting? </p><p>He really fucking wants that. If he can't force Even's brain to remember him, maybe his body will.  </p><p>Maybe Isak should try focusing more on that angle? He's not sure he feels ready to actually be physically intimate with this new Even, though. Would it be weird? Too hard to handle, having to start from scratch with the man he loves... whose not the man he loves. </p><p>Isak shivers. These thoughts make him strangely excited, and uncomfortable at the same time. </p><p>Ok, so maybe he needs to start smaller. </p><p>Suddenly, he has an idea. It's perfect! A great way to test the intimacy waters, while also seeing if he can recreate an experience, that could maybe trigger some memories for Even. </p><p>He jumps off the sofa, and leans in the kitchen doorway, finding Even sitting in a kitchen chair, staring sadly at the phone cradled in his palm. </p><p>"You ok?" </p><p>Even's head snaps up. "Oh hey. Ya I'm fine. Just a little in shock, I guess. I feel a bit guilty for saying it, but with everything going on, I had kind of forgotten I was waiting to hear from my parents." </p><p>Isak shakes his head a little. "Don't feel guilty. Like you said, you've had a lot on your mind." </p><p>Even doesn't respond right away, so Isak slowly makes his way to the chair across from him. "Even?" </p><p>"Hmm?"</p><p>"Can I take you somewhere tonight?" Isak feels himself flush a little, but forces himself to keep eye contact. </p><p>"Take me somewhere?" Even's eyes go a little wide. "Like a date?" </p><p>More blushing. "Not exactly, but kind of?" </p><p>Even chuckles. "Thanks for clearing that up." </p><p>Isak rolls his eyes at him. "Just trust me, ok?" </p><p>"Ok." Even gives him a fond smile. </p><p>Isak pushes himself up from his chair, excitement coursing through his veins. "It's a deal, than. We leave here at 7pm." </p><p>"Deal." </p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u"> <strong>EVEN</strong> </span>
</p><p>"Uhhh Isak?" Even leans over Isak's shoulder, trying to be heard over the chilly wind. "Is there a reason we couldn't just take the car?" </p><p>When Isak had asked to take him on a "date" tonight, Even had not expected to find himself on the back of a bicycle, clinging to Isak's waist for dear life, while Isak does a very poor job of steering them along the road. </p><p>As the bike does another very sharp swerve, and lean, Even clings on even tighter, dropping his foot to the ground, to keep them from falling side ways onto the pavement. </p><p>"Isak!" Even leans over his shoulder again, shouting against his ear. "Maybe I should drive the bike?" </p><p>The bike comes to abrupt halt, and Even can't help but laugh at how hard Isak is panting from the work out. </p><p>"I think that might be a good idea. You are definitely better at this, than me." Isak huffs. </p><p>"Oh? So we've done this before?" Even enjoys the mental image of them as little teenagers, riding their bikes around Oslo. </p><p>"Just shut up and take the front seat." Isak rolls his eyes, with a smile, as they switch spots. </p><p>"Ok, so where are we going?" </p><p>"Just keep going up this road until I tell you to turn." Isak points straight ahead. </p><p>"Yes, sir!" Even teases, before he pushes off the ground, steering the bike, far more successfully than Isak. </p><p>And it's actually kind of nice. Though a bit chilly, the city lights look pretty, and it feels nice to have Isak's warmth along his back. </p><p>They don't go too much further, before Isak is indicating for him to pull into a driveway, and park the bike around back. </p><p>As soon as he stops, Isak is jumping off the bike, with a very self satisfied smile. "Tada!" He announces, arms indicating the house behind him. </p><p>Even just stares at him, mighty confused. "A house? Do you know who lives here or something? Should I know who lives here?" </p><p>Even sees a momentary flash of disappointed on Isak's face, before he quickly covers it up. "No. It's my Aunt's house. And it has a little surprise for us. Come on." </p><p>Even watches, as Isak approaches a window, just above the ground, and starts poking at it with a stick. </p><p>He quickly jumps down off the bike, approaching him. "Isak! What the hell are you doing! Are you breaking into this house? What if they have alarms!?" He hisses. </p><p>Isak just chuckles, and cheers himself on, as the window pops open. "See no alarms! I told you, it's my aunt's house. She's fine with us being here." </p><p>Even starts to panic, as Isak starts to lower himself through the window. What the fuck!! Someone could have warned him, his fiancé is a fucking criminal! "Isak stop! Get out of there!" Even tries to reach for Isak's arm, to try and pull him back out the window, but Isak switches his grip, and uses the leverage to start pulling Even in through the window, instead. "Hey! No, stop! I am not interested in taking part in your criminal activities!" </p><p>By the time Even's feet hit the ground, Isak is almost bent double in laughter. "Oh my god, you should see your face. Even, calm down. I'm not a criminal. I just wanted to take you for a nice little evening swim, in a private pool. Look isn't it nice!" </p><p>Even takes a cursory glance at the pool, sitting next to them, before glaring back at Isak. "If you're not a criminal, why couldn't we just use the front door?" </p><p>"Because my Aunt's not home, and I don't have a key." </p><p>"Maybe that's because she doesn't want you here uninvited!" Even hisses at him, again. </p><p>Isak takes one step closer to Even, then another... and then another, until he's standing only a breath away, looking up at him. "You're overthinking this." He whispers. </p><p>"I am not - " Even's sentence gets cut off, as suddenly, the little bastard grabs onto his shirt, and yanks him into the pool with him. "Hey!" Even sputters, resurfacing. "What the hell, Isak!" </p><p>But Isak is too busy laughing at his expense to feel guilty. "Come on, Even! We are alone, in a heated underground pool! Just have some fun would you?" </p><p>Even has no idea what to say. How does Isak even know they're alone in the house? Had he cased the place earlier that day? </p><p>Before he has a chance to say anything more, Isak swims over to him and dunks him below the water, again. </p><p>Argh! Well two can play at this game! He reaches out and grabs Isak around the waist, before pushing him unceremoniously towards the bottom of the pool, and then swims back to the surface to catch his breath. What a little bugger! </p><p>Even is just swimming gently at the surface for a while, when he realizes Isak still hasn't resurfaced. He looks down and sees him just kind of floating near the bottom. What the fuck? </p><p>Just as Even is about to start panicking, he sees Isak's form start floating upward. </p><p>Isak breaks through the water just a couple inches from Even's face, with a big teasing smile. "Did you think I'd died?" </p><p>Even giggles a little, he can't help it, Isak's childishness, is contagious. "Oh ya, I was so worried!" </p><p>"Aww that's so sweet." Isak grins. "I bet I can hold my breath longer than you, though. I am the master of holding my breath." </p><p>Even smiles even wider. What is this nonsense? Are they seriously about to have a breath holding contest? "Oh ya, you sure?" </p><p>Isak looks extremely confident. "Very. Let's go on three. Ready? One. Two. Three." </p><p>They both dive under the water, facing each other. Even almost loses right away, because he's so tempted to laugh at how ridiculous this situation is. Two grown ass men, having a breath holding competition, in the basement of a stranger's house.</p><p>Isak has very strange ideas about how to do date night... </p><p>As Even calms himself, trying to focus on holding his breath. He looks over, and notices that Isak is staring at him very intently. Even raises one eyebrow at him, trying to wordlessly ask, what's up with the intense stare? </p><p>Then all of a sudden Isak is moving towards him, and Even's eyes go wide. He feels Isak's lips touch his, before he can react. Isak's arms wrap around his shoulders, and his eyes droop closed, leaving Even floating there in shock. Out of instinct, his arms find their way around Isak's waist, and his lips start to move to the rhythm Isak is setting for the kiss. </p><p>It's shockingly nice. Definitely the most romantic moment Even has ever had. Or at least that he can remember having. He pulls Isak a little closer, and he can swear if they weren't under water, he would have just heard Isak moan. </p><p>The weirdest thought occurs to Even, as he realizes this is just like the under water kiss scene from his favourite movie, Romeo and Juliet. This is so something his romantic ass would do. </p><p>All of a sudden, Even feels his whole body freeze, and it feels like an elastic band just snapped inside his brain. All these images come rushing back to him. He tries to take a deep breath... and inhales a throat full of chlorine water. </p><p>Kicking like a maniac, he swims to the surface, and makes his way to the side of the pool, coughing and sputtering. </p><p>Oh my god. Oh my god!!! Images are still flying through his head. But he can't speak because he's choking. </p><p>"Even!" Isak appears next to him, smacking his back, trying to help him cough up the water. "Oh fuck! Are you ok? Shit!" </p><p>"I - Isak - I..." Even is determined to speak, but can't stop coughing. </p><p>Finally, Isak jumps out of the pool, and grabs Even under the arms, dragging him out, too. Even feels his back hit the cold floor, and he coughs and coughs, until he finally manages to take a deep breath. </p><p>"Holy fuck! Don't ever do that again!" Isak's hand lands on Even's forehead. "You scared the shit out of me!" </p><p>Even looks up at him. Catching his breath, and a huge smile breaks over his face. "Isak, shut up! Listen to me!" He pants. "I remember!" </p><p>Isak's face goes ghostly white, and he quickly pulls Even into a seated position, so he can look him in the eye. "What do you remember!?" </p><p>"Our first kiss." Even is smiling so wide, his eyes are crinkling. "This kiss. All of it. Halloween, the bike ride, the God costume, your hideous attempt at a Ceaser costume, the fake Aunt's house... the Romeo and Juliet underwater kiss. Wow, I really am one romantic ass cheesy mother fucker." </p><p>Isak's lip is shaking, and there are tears in his eyes. "You remember?"</p><p>Even nods, reaching his hand out to stroke Isak's cheek. "I remember, baby." </p><p>Isak rushes forward, pressing their lips together in a firm kiss full of promise. </p><p>He pulls back, just a couple inches. "Wait! Do you remember everything? Anything else?" </p><p>Even tries to force his mind to go wider, to look beyond the events of that night. He tries with all his might to think of what happened after they were caught, and he had to pull Isak back out of the window. </p><p>It feels like someone punched him in the stomach, when he realizes he still can't see past this one specific memory. He slowly looks up to meet Isak's beautiful eyes, lets his thumb stroke along his cheek. "I'm sorry... no. That's all I've got." </p><p>Isak squeezes his eyes shut, just for a moment. Before he's looking at Even, once more, with a gentle smile. "Well it's a start. It means the memories are there. We just have to find them." He reaches up and squeezes Even's hand. "It's hope, Even." </p><p>It hits him like a ton of bricks. In that moment. Even realizes how much he loves the man in front of him. Maybe the feelings were always there, and he just needed to allow them to be felt. Or maybe it's the memory of the start of their life together. Or maybe it's just Isak, and his goodness, and innocence, and hope. </p><p>But Even loves him. And he is going to get every single damn memory of their life back. </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Please continue to tell me what you like and dislike in the chaps, as it really helps guide me in the right direction! </p><p>If you want to make my day, please leave a comment below, and as always thanks for your support!</p><p>I can't promise I'm going to meet my weekly deadline this week, as I'm going to be heading home for xmas. I will still try to update when I can. xoxo</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>